#TalesfromtheCryptThursday: The Man Who Was Death

Ho-wdy, Kinky Kreeps!

Wel-cum to #TalesformtheCryptThursday, a new feature in which we eXXXhume some cl-Ass-Sick fright fare from fear favorite Tales from the Crypt! What better episode to start with than the one that jump-started? Yes, kreepies, this one’s galvanizing! From 1989, it’s The Man Who Was Death!

The Man who Was Death tells the shocking story of a state executioner who loves his job a little too much. When the state abolishes the Death Penalty, he decides to dispense some vigilante justice…  2,000 volts worth of it!
The episode stars the badass William Sadler as the mad eXXXecutioner. Sadler would go on to make frequent visits to the Crypt, starring in the film Demon Knight, appearing in ho-sting segments in both a Season 6 episode and Bordello of Blood, and serving as the host in the failed spin-off, Two-Fisted Tales. (Sooooooo much more on that later! ;))Two years after The Man Who Was Death, Sadler went on to play The Grim Reaper in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, which means Sadler could truly be described as The Man Who Was Death.
Mr. Sadler would also portray that same Reaper in the aforementioned Season 6 episode, entitled The Assassin. All roads lead back to the Crypt. 🙂
For a shocking good time, we presenteth thee with… The Man Who Was Death:

As a boo-nus, here’s the comic that inspired the episode:

Carnivorous Cartoon Cavalcade: Tales from the Cryptkeeper – Fare Tonight

Ho-wdy, Fright Fiends! SDCC got in the way of my usual #SplatterdayMourning posting, but there’s no way I’d leave you without a creepy cartoon for your wicked weekend viewing pleasure. So without further ado, I presenteth thee with KH’s very first Carnivorous Cartoon Calvacade. (#GoWithIt… ;))

We’ve got another animated atrocity to thrill you, chill you, and fulfill you! This time, we’re takin’ a scenic walk through the crypt with our favorite Master of Scar-emonies… The Cryptkeeper!

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Ghoul-d Ol’ Crypty has done just about everything a creep can SCREAM of… he started with some of the influential fright comics of all SLIME, appeared in movies, had a hit Terrorvision show, made appearances at amusement parks, has had his seXXXy mug plastered on everything known to monsterkind, and even had two records! Of CORPSE, all of that isn’t enough for big shot like Ol’ Crypty. Having scared the pants off of every adult in A-SCARE-ica, The Cryptkeeper intended to do the same to all the little boils and ghouls. Yes, fright friend, Crypty had his own Splatterday Mourning Cartoon… Tales from the Cryptkeeper!
Tales from the Cryptkeeper was essentially a friendly, cleaner version of the HBO show. Howl-ever, that just doesn’t mean this show doesn’t have its fare share of ghouls, ghosts, and goons. For a KILL-dren’s show. there’s still plenty o’ ho-rror to be had!
Our tale from the crypt is bloodsucker entitled Fare Tonight. It’s a twisted tale of two girls who dare ask this biting question: Will the Real Vampire Please Stand Up?
For all you night “people” out there, here’s Fare Tonight:

Pleasant Nightmares!

Scary Shorties: Tales from the Crypt – The Third Pig

Happy Birthday to one of the creepiest, awesome-est spookshows in the history of Terrorvision, Tales from the Crypt! 🙂

In ho-nor of the birth of Tales from the Crypt, we’re bringing you its death…

Knowing that it would soon be time to head back to the crypt forever, The Cryptkeeper decided to go out with a scream in the form of a batshit insane work of animated carnage known as The Third Pig.
That’s F-right, boils and ghouls! Tales from the Crypt’s last tale was a scary tale of cartoon carnage and hammy horror!
Directed by Bill Kopp and Patrick A. Ventura, The Third Pig is a cracked retelling of—you guessed it—The Three Little Pigs! The tit-ular Third Pig (Cam Clarke of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame) stands trial for the murder of his two brothers who were actually killed by the Big Bad Wolf (Bobcat Goldthwait). Unfortunately for the poor pig, the jury is made up completely of wolves and they find him guilty. Out for revenge, the Third Pig creates a hideous Franken-pig to avenge his brothers. Looks like The Wolf’s in for a rude a-bacon-ing! 🙂
While that description may sound relatively straightforward, the actual episode is anything but. It’s the kind of wackadoo, Ren & Stimpy-like madness that could only spawn from the naughty ’90s! Sure, it ain’t your typical Tale from the Crypt, but it’s an outrageously weird bit o’ cartoon craziness and a wonderfully ballsy way to end a cl-ass-ic series. 🙂

Go back to the Crypt by clicking on the boXXX below:

 

Creepy Comic Carnival: The “Mummy and Deady” Edition

(Presenting a brand spanking new feature, submitted by a newcummer here who chooses only to be known as “The Talker”…Thanks and welcum, you wonderfully weirdwordsmith, you! 😉 xoxo)

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“Ladies and gentlemen, attention please!
Come in close, so everyone can see!
I got a tale to tell.
A listen don’t cost a dime..
..And if you believe that, we’re gonna get along just fine!”

Step right up, my freakish friends! Don’t be shy! Ready your barf bags and prepare to have your gray matter scrambled like eggs! Have I got a classic creeper to plague and mystify you! I’m your humble host, the Talker, with a Still Show stocked with the most hopelessly corrupt comic carnage your mama doesn’t want you to read!   This fearsome fairground fare is a comic origin of a “hero” I can really sink my teeth into! You are about to witness the origin of a “man” so wicked and vile, they gave him his own television show! From the pages of Tales from the Crypt #33, it’s the horror of Lower BerthI If you have a heart condition, please be warned!

LowerBerth9Our featured exhibition comes from the wilds of pre-code EC Comics all the way back in 1953! This fright fest deals with that most noble of attractions, the sideshow! What we have is a beautiful love story that reveals what happens when a two-headed sideshow freak and a mummy get together and do the horizontal Monster Mash! Romance is undead and well! The man behind the atrociously awe-inspiring art is Mr. Jack Davis, the legendary lunatic who would go on to work for the usual gang of idiots at MAD Magazine. What makes this particular tale so darn memorable is that it reveals to us the origin of that original Master of Scaremonies, The Crypt Keeper! For your amusement and education, I present to you Lower Berth!

 

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Doesn’t it just do your heart good to read a really beautiful love story, folks? That baby Crypt Keeper sure was a cutie! Being the classic that was, Ol’ Hollyweird just couldn’t keep their fleshy fingers off of it, resulting in this 1990 episode of HBO’s Tales from the Crypt! Directed by the same Kevin Yagher that gave Freddy and Chucky their good looks and written by Fred “Monster Squad” Dekker, this retelling keeps things real freaky-deaky, just the way we like it here! Give the man your grimy little dime, if you haven’t done so already! This is a 2-in-1 show like no other! Ladies and Gentleman, HBO’s Lower Berth!

Sorry, Folks! The Carnival is closed. All Out and Over, All Out, All Over!

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New Year’s Eve with The Cryptkeeper!

On a happier note…

2016 is about to buy the farm, fright fiends! It’s been a bizarre year for a lot of us, but that doesn’t mean we should greet 2017 with pitchforks and torches! Let’s bring in the New FEAR with that eternal Master of Scarimonies, The Crypt Keeper!

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We start off our celebration with a clas-sick ho-rrorday tune…

Back in 2013, FEARnet exhumed our dear Cryptkeeper to host a marathon of cl-ass-ic tales for the first time in 15 years! John Kassir himself resurrected his cool ghoul to ho-st 24 fan favorite episodes of Tales from the Crypt and the world instantly became a better place. This marathon alone proves that there is still a market for our beloved Keeper, so let’s hope for a proper return for the Keeper in the future! 🙂

To get you in proper party mode, here are the ho-st segments from that marvelous marathon. Enjoy, my Freaky Fiends!! 🙂

As an added Ho-rrorday treat, here is New Year’s Evil in all its glorious, cheesy-slasher glory!

Goodbye 2016 and Hello 2017!! Happy New Fear, Kinky Kreeps! xoxo 🙂

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#FBF: The Evil-lution of “And All Through The House…”

(It’s just not Cryptmas without a look back at this Ho-rrorday Cl-ass-ic…Submitted by Anton Phibes. Thanks, you festive fella, you!! 😉 xoxo)

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December… That it was time to begin our Ghoultide Celebration! To most fright fans, the festival of Christmas is as sacred as Halloween. After all, this is the time of Grinches, Krampus, and other mythical creatures. We tend to celebrate this time of year in our own inimitable way. ‘Tis the season to be scary, after all! We’ll kick off this slayride by discussing a classic Holiday tale, “…And All Through The House!”

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“…And All Through the House” first appeared in “Vault of Horror #35,” and it may just be the single most famous terror tale those GhouLunatics at EC every devised. illustrated by legendary artist Johnny Craig, it is the story of an adulterous murderess and a mental asylum escapee dressed as St. Nick. As always with EC, this putrid shocker ends with a wonderfully morbid punchline. What makes it great is that it builds tension in only a few pages, and ends with a terrific black-as-coal final panel. Not only is it a wonderful chiller, it may also be one of the first horror stories in media to depict a murderous Santa, now a trope in horror fiction. For those who haven’t read this classic, you can read that poisoned chestnut below:

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So popular was the story that when Milton Subotsky and Freddie Francis made their adaptation of Tales from the Crypt in 1972, And All Through the House was the first segment. Joan Collins stars as the adulteress who learns that Santa ain’t as jolly as one might think. I have a soft spot for this one. The maniac in this one has almost a melancholic quality and the blood is a wonderfully bright mix that makes me think of my beloved Hammer Horror films. Not bad, but the next version is so good, it’s become a classic to people who have never even read an EC comic…

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In 1989, producers Richard Donner, David Giler, Walter Hill, Joel Silver, David Geffen and Robert Zemeckis lauched the horror anthology series Tales From the Crypt for HBO, featuring the beloved Cryptkeeper, a creature far removed in appearance to his comic counterpart, but alike in his corn-on-the-macabre attitude. (HA!! Good one!! -D.P.)

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The first episode produced was a new version of”…And All Through the House” written by Fred Dekker (The Monster Squad) and directed by Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit).In this take, the great Larry Drake of Darkman and Dr. Giggles fame stars as the Kreep Kringle from the asylum. Unlike the 1972 version, this one feels very much like an EC story, with over-the-top gruesomeness, Hitchcockian suspense, and a gleeful blak humor to it. As it stands, I don’t think anyone could top this small-screen classic.

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Any of these takes are just the ticket for the horror fan to start the season with. Merry Christmas, and don’t let anyone in, no matter how rosy his cheeks are.

Spreading Yuletide Fear with the Cryptkeeper

(submitted by Anton Phibes, and fully endorsed by moi, as this is THE XXX-mas album of all XXX-mas albums…Thanks, Ho-liday Ho-rror Ho-mie!! 🙂 xoxo)

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Earlier this month, we talked about the EC Comics classic, “And All Through The House.” Not contented by merely hosting one of the all-time great Creepmas stories, the Cryptkeeper blessed us, the unworthy, with a Christmas album. The result was “Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas,” a compendium of Yuletide carols mangled by the Cryptkeeper himself. “Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas” was released in 1994 by The Right Stuff, a subsidiary of Capitol Records. Being a Tales from the Crypt release, you can bet that there are puns galore, all delivered perfectly by John Kassir AKA the fleshier CK. Being long out of print, the CD is sometimes listed at a somewhat high price. As a treat to you fiends, we have posted the entire album below! Personally, I’m particularly fond of T’was the Fright Before Christmas, a parody poem that brings to mind memories of the Nightmare Before Christmas. Merry Creepmas, Boils and Ghouls!

Track 1 and 2: Intro to album and Deck The Halls With Parts of Charlie

Track 3: Juggle Bills

Track 4: We Wish You’d Bury the Missus

Track 5: Moe Teitlebaum

Track 6: A Christmas Card For The Cryptkeeper

Track 7: Christmas Rap

Track 8: Intro To Cryptkeeper Family Xmas + Cryptkeeper`s Family Xmas

Track 9: Twas The Fright Before Christmas

Track 10: 12 Days Of Cryptmas

Track 11: Intro To Revenge Of The Cryptkeeper + Revenge Of The Cryptkeeper

Track 12: Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas

Track 13 Should Old Cadavers Be Forgot


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News Bleed: The Justin Bieber’s Peen Edition. :)

How-dy, Ho-s!! I had to skip yesterday’s Halloween post (dammit!!), but I’m back on track with daily posts starting…NOW!! 😉 First up, a luscious new News Bleed to help catch you up on the latest Ho-rror Happenings. 🙂

Why I love living in LA, reason 5,987.  LA Times

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Your move, Cryptkeeper!!!  Nerdist

Watch Jack Black’s GOOSEBUMPS Rap, ‘‘The Bumps Gonna Goose Ya”

This time it’s really, really personal… AV Club

The Rocky Horror reunion just reminds me that I still wanna bone Tim Curry SO. HARD.  Hollywood Life

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Pretty sure I stayed in Handjob Cabin at least once… 😉  Movie Pilot 

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Doctor Who radness…In Lego form! 🙂  Radio Times

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Having seen at least three folks in this season’s AHS boning and/or high outta their gourds IRL, I couldn’t help cracking up at the “serious” stuffs during the premiere ep. Despite, that, I’m still stoked for this season, and it seems a lot of other folks concur. 🙂 TV Line

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I’m ho-nestly not sure which is more Ho-rrific: Justin Bieber’s adequate-sized clit, or his Dad’s tweet about it. 😉 Here and Here

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(WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY, Beiber’s Dad????? #TheHorror!!!!)

And now to cleanse the palate a bit, here are the two October Challenge Ho-rror films I watched since my last post, both of which I love the crap outta!! 🙂

Keep it kreepy and have an awesomely wicked weekend, Hallowieners!! 😉 xoxo

Ho-rror Ho-st Hall of Infamy: The Cryptkeeper Edition.

(Submitted by the ever-so-mysterious Mr. Anton Phibes…Thank you, Sinister Sir! 😉 xoxo)

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On June 10, 1989, the world was introduced to a rotting corpse puppet
that stole the hearts of all horror fans. That beautiful fiend was the
Cryptkeeper, voiced by the great John Kassir. The Cryptkeeper was the master of
“scaremonies” of HBO’s Tales from the Crypt. Though the CK originated in comics
(he will likely be the subject of his own Hall of Infamy post), it was the T.V.
series that made that old creep a full-fledged pop culture phenomenon.crypt 10

When the show exploded like a vampire in sunlight, the Keeper was just about
everywhere. From children’s cartoons to Budweiser ad campaign, it seemed that
there was no stopping this monstrous gent. Crypty got a taste of movie stardom
in 1995 when he hosted the film Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight and had a
cameo in the live-action adaptation of Casper.

In addition to an already-impressive resume for a corpse, he was also the
first unofficial icon of Universal Halloween Horror Nights. Our boy also hosted
a Double-Dare-style competition show. For many of the next generation of Monster
Kids, he was both their Rod Serling and their Zacherley. Despite his lack of
non-foam rubber flesh, the Cryptkeeper is a worthy inductee for the Hall of
Infamy. Dig it!

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