Scary Shorties: Tales from the Crypt – The Third Pig

Happy Birthday to one of the creepiest, awesome-est spookshows in the history of Terrorvision, Tales from the Crypt! 🙂

In ho-nor of the birth of Tales from the Crypt, we’re bringing you its death…

Knowing that it would soon be time to head back to the crypt forever, The Cryptkeeper decided to go out with a scream in the form of a batshit insane work of animated carnage known as The Third Pig.
That’s F-right, boils and ghouls! Tales from the Crypt’s last tale was a scary tale of cartoon carnage and hammy horror!
Directed by Bill Kopp and Patrick A. Ventura, The Third Pig is a cracked retelling of—you guessed it—The Three Little Pigs! The tit-ular Third Pig (Cam Clarke of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame) stands trial for the murder of his two brothers who were actually killed by the Big Bad Wolf (Bobcat Goldthwait). Unfortunately for the poor pig, the jury is made up completely of wolves and they find him guilty. Out for revenge, the Third Pig creates a hideous Franken-pig to avenge his brothers. Looks like The Wolf’s in for a rude a-bacon-ing! 🙂
While that description may sound relatively straightforward, the actual episode is anything but. It’s the kind of wackadoo, Ren & Stimpy-like madness that could only spawn from the naughty ’90s! Sure, it ain’t your typical Tale from the Crypt, but it’s an outrageously weird bit o’ cartoon craziness and a wonderfully ballsy way to end a cl-ass-ic series. 🙂

Go back to the Crypt by clicking on the boXXX below:

 

#FBF: The “Frankenstein Resurrectus” Edition

Happy The Mummy Release Day, Monster Mashers! 🙂
The film marks the beginning of Universal’s Dark Universe, a series of interconnecting monster movies featuring our favorite ghouls of the past. While we wish they had stuck to pure Gothic Ho-rror, anything that brings attention to Cinema’s Greatest Monsters is worth supporting. And it only makes sense that the Universal Monsters would join in on “shared universe” craze. After all, they created the cinematic sci-fi crossover with 1943’s Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman.

Ho-wever, while The Mummy is the first attempt to start a franchise to under the Dark Universe banner, it wasn’t the first attempt to eXXXhume the great monsters…
Back in the late ’90s, Universal had planned a straight Black-and-White throwback to the classic Frankenstein films, done entirely in CGI! In October 1998, The Hollywood Reporter announced that Universal head (;)) Casey Silver had green-lit the film for release in 2000. The film was set to be the first full-length animated feature by Industrial Light & Magic and was budgeted at 80 million dollars. If all of that wasn’t enough, The Wolfman was also supposed to be in the picture!

Alas, this beautiful nightmare was not meant to be. The project died, but Universal did resurrect the creeps in 2004’s Van Helsing. Oy.
Only 16 seconds of test footage exists for the film, but it’s pretty fang-tastic! The tower is perfect and Frankie’s got those Karloff-ish good looks we all love so very much.  How magical would it have been to have a modern monster film like this?! Hopefully, if the Dark Universe goes on, we may get some installments that have that classic Universal Monsters flavor.

For 16 seconds of pure Monster Magic, check out the video below:

#FuckFreddy: Five Rad Robert Englund Roles (in Ho-nor of Our Birthday! :)

Happy Birthday to the Man of our Nightmares, Mr. Robert Englund!! (I hear a lot of folks born on June 6 are pretty badass… ;))

Good Ol’ Robby E…. we all know him as Freddy Krueger, the pizza-faced freak who gives good glove. I mean, there’s no denyin’ that ghoul’s place in ho-rror history. At this point, he’s (arguably) on the same level as Dracula and Frankenstein. As Heather Langenkamp said in New Nightmare, “Every kid knows who Freddy is. He’s like Santa Claus, or King Kong.”

However, as eXXXcellent as Mr. Englund is in that role, we feel that some of his other work goes underappreciated. In ho-nor of birthday, we’re shining a light on some Robert Englund characters that don’t get nearly the same amount of love as Fred Krueger! They may not be as dreamy as The Springwood Slasher, but these performances are a cut above the rest! Without any further a-BOO (I kill myself! ;)), here are five kickass Krueger-free Robert Englund performances! 🙂

1.) The Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Let’s start off with a Fright at the Opera! Yes, my Dark-lings… Mr. Englund took a stab at one of the all-time great monsters of cinema and showed that he really has an ear for music… but I’m not sure whose ear it is! 🙂

This film is an awesomely bizarre (and bizarrely awesome) fusion of Gothic Ho-rror and Slasher Terror, loaded with both gruesome gore and chilling atmosphere. Englund is simply amazing here, juggling hammy monster awesomeness and real emotion with ghoulish grace. Take a bow, Mr. Englund!

2.) Doc Halloran in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see that much of this “Ahab” (the heroic nemesis of the slasher) in this awesome horror-comedy mockumentary, but what we do see is freakin’ magic! Essentially, Doc Halloran (named after Dick Hallorann from The Shining) is Robert Englund playing Dr. Loomis from Halloween,,, and that’s as cool as it gets! He may not be in it for long, but it’s great to see Robert Englund play a hero for once.

3.) The Riddler in The Batman (2004)

Riddle me this: what happens when Freddy Krueger and Marilyn Manson have a son together? This version of The Riddler from The Batman, of corpse! While this animated series was nowhere near The Animated Series, it still had its fair share Bat-Awesome, including Mr. Englund’s creepy take on The Riddler. Talk about a Questionable character!

4.) Bill Gartley in The Mangler (1995)

The Mangler is perhaps the finest film about a demonic industry laundry press that folds people to death. Stephen King, Tobe Hooper, and our boy Robert join forces to create a pretty bonkers movie about the evils of Capitalism! Caked in old-age make-up, Mr. Englund is deliciously evil, but I suppose that a man who owns a machine called “The Mangler” has to be.  You gotta know when to fold ’em!

5.) Prof. William Wexler in Urban Legend (1998)

Last but not BEAST is the mysterious Prof. WeXXXler, my personal favorite! Okay, so it’s not a flashy part, but I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE me some Urban Legend! Robert Englund may just be a red herring (or is he…? ;))  but he rocks every bit of it! Props, Prof!

Happy Birthday, Birthday Twin!! 😉 xoxo

PS- It’s also Danny Strong’s birthday. Yay! 🙂

Scary Shorties Double Feature: Wot a Night (1931) and Magic Mummy (1933)

Ho-wdy, Kartoon Kreeps! It’s another supernatural Saturday Mourning.. um, morning here in Karloffornia. You know what that means…

YES!!! Is there anything in this crazy ol’ world of ours better than a cartoon? Yes… TWO CARTOONS!!

We’ve got a doozy of a double feature of shorts starring Tom and Jerry, but not the ‘toons you’re thinking of…
Before the Cat and Mouse played their game of cat-and-mouse, these two were in shorts and they did… everything! These kartoon kats were lawyers, hunters, plumbers, hobos, and every other job with potential for shenanigans! Oh, the shenanigans! 🙂

Our first Fright-Toon is a decidedly un-smutty submission by the eXXXtraordinary Smutmaster Eric! Thank you, you morbid master of media! xoxo 🙂

This is the first film in Van Beuren’s Tom and Jerry series, later re-issued as Dick and Larry.

The Van Beuren Studios was an American animation studio which produced theatrical cartoons from 1928 to 1937.

Our second film is Magic Mummy, in which T&J run afoul of a Phantom of the Opera-like spook and a musical mummy. With Universal’s The Mummy coming out next week, I figured this was one worth unearthing. Heck, this ‘toon beat Universal to the punch with its lady mummy, although I’d bet the new one doesn’t sing like Betty Boop. 🙂

Speaking of Betty Boop, this cartoon does have that kind of surreal, Fleischer-like vibe that we love here at Kinky Horror. It’s got rubbery limbs, skeletoons, and all the spooky-cool cartoon craziness you need for a kickass Saturday Morning! 🙂


If you’re looking to unwrap some more cartoon madness, check out the short below:

Splatterday Matinee Virtual Drive-In: The “Titans of Terror” Edition

Salutations, Students of the Macabre! Today is an eXXXtra special day for us Kinky Krees! We’re skull-ebrating the birthdays (and pure amazingness) of a peerless Triple Threat of Classic Ho-rror Greatness: the abominable Vincent Price, the vampiric Christopher Lee, and the madly scientific Peter Cushing!
Yessiree, Blob! Vinnie P. and Chris Lee were born on this day and Peter C. was born yesterday!  We’ve ho-nored the un-ho-ly heck out of these Princes of Darkness many times before, but they deserve it! These three gentle-monsters represent the very best that ho-rror cinema has to offer. Even in the goofiest, ho-kiest picture, these gentleman brought a supernatural grace and dignity. They made our collective nightmares pleasant ones and gave the Creatures of the Night a cool elegance. If there were a Mount Rushmore of Ho-rror (Mount Blood-Gushmore? Mount Rushgore?), you better believe these ghoulish gents would be on it!
For their Birthdays, we’ve put together the very first Kinky Horror Virtual Drive-In! We’re giving you a spooky-cool drive-in eXXXperience from the (dis)comfort of your tomb! There’s just no better way to ho-nor our Birthday Boils than to show off the ghoulish performances that stole our hearts and turned our hair white!.
First, a cartoon starring Mr. Price! After all, it is Saturday morning (somewhere ;)), so let us do it up right! The cartoon is an episode of 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo and it features Vincent Price as… well, Dr. Strange! A legally safe knock-off, that is. Since Vinnie P. inspired Dr. Strange, I suppose we can’t get TOO mad. 🙂 Besides, anything that features Vincent Price fighting ghosts and demons with black magic (and the Scooby Gang! :)) is spooky-cool by me!

Next, a friendly word from our sponsor and Mr. Cushing. (#GushingForCushing :)) You’ll have to pardon Peter… he’s having a guest DROP in! 🙂

Now, an important educational short from Mr. Lee. If you’re going to stay in this crazy game called Life, you’re gonna have to do The Time Warp! You may even need to The Time Warp… again! Mr. Lee is here to show you how it’s done! 🙂

And now…

Hammer Films gave history the (severed) finger with Rasputin – The Mad Monk! Christopher Lee gives one of his best performances as the maniacal mystic. If you ever wanted to see the story of Rasputin done as a Dracula film, this one’s for you!

The Doctor is In… Sane! Vincent Price slays again in this Art Deco nightmare! (Not to be confused with the Kinky Ho-rror writer of the same name…That’s totally a coincidence! ;)0


And for the last of the trailers, Peter Cushing is one of eight potential werewolves in The Beast Must Die, a ho-wlin’ whodunit from the folks at Amicus. The only film with the WEREWOLF BREAK, an inserted 30-second break that asks YOU to guess the werewolf’s identity! (So. Freaking. Rad!!! :))

And now it’s time for our…

Our first film is The Satanic Rites of Dracula, the last of the Hammer Dracula films. It’s nowhere near the quality of the earlier films, but it’s an interesting mix of spy thriller and Gothic ho-rror. Dracula really thinks big in this one. Instead of biting the necks a few buXXXom maidens, he plans on destroying the world! No, Drac! It’s best place to find awesome ho-rror films!

Horror of Dracula (1958)

While it’s not their best film, Satanic Rites of Dracula features Christopher Lee’s Dracula and Peter Cushing’s Van Helsing together again for the last time. Heck, Chris Lee’s Drac even gets some decent lines in this one! It ain’t perfect, but it does showcase two greats doing their freaky thing!

For a bit o’ Lee and Cushing, check out the film below:

INTERMISSION

We’re back! Our last attraction is The Last Man on Earth with, you guessed it, Vincent Price! The film is the first adaptation of Richard Matheson and the closest to the source material. Vinnie P. goes a full-blown stake-out here, eXXXisting as the only human in a world of vampires. What’s great about this film is that it’s one of the few times Vincent Price got to be the hero in a fright film. In this film, he’s not the monster… or is he!?!!? 😉

To see that the Price is Fright, check out the film below:


Here’s to you, gents! Thanks for making the world a creepier place! 🙂

News Bleed: The “THE GREAT WAR IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Edition

Finally…YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MSN

Another reason to shoot your load… 😉 Hollywood Reporter

Get your first taste of Netflix’s Castlevania! 🙂 i09

Check into Hotel Transylvania: The Series this June! 🙂 Cartoon Brew

Sneak a peek at the Alien 6 Film Collection and the Alien: Covenant Steelbook! IGN

The Resident Evil film franchise is set to rise from the grave with a reboot. (It’s been so long since the Final Chapter came out…IN DECEMBER!!! ;))  Variety

Tom “Spider-Man Not Child’s Play” Holland swings into an Uncharted prequel film. 🙂 Deadline

Cujo will leave his paw print on The Dark Tower. 🙂 Dread Central

The Tales from the Crypt Complete Series Set screams its way onto DVD on Robert Englund’s and my birthday…BEST PRESENT EVER!! :)) Bloody Disgusting

In #NotHorrorButSuckIt news, Tom Cruise confirms that Top Gun II is happening. That Maverick! 🙂 Screen Rant


To a new world of Gods and Monsters… Universal gets serious with their new monster series, now known as the Dark Universe! 🙂 Nerdist

And, sadly, we had to say goodbye to the great Roger Moore this week R.I.P., Mr. Bond. 🙁 xoxo Movie Web

 

Scary Shorties: Swamp Thing – The Un-Men Unleashed

Ho-wdy, ho-rror ho-mies! It’s another Supernatural Saturday morning here in Horrorwood, so we got cartoon chiller to make your heart sing! See that figure lurching about the bog? The tall gentleman with the green thumb and the mossy hair? No, my freaky friend… that ain’t swamp gas. It’s…
That’s right, Kinky Kreeps! Ol’ Tall, Green, and Gruesome got his very scare-toon that aired from 1990 to 1991. Sure, it didn’t last long, but each episode is a slice of aged cheese that’s rich with all the radical ’90s flavor you krave.

Like Troma’s Toxic Crusaders, the Swamp Thing cartoon took a classic creature and Captain Planet-ed him up in a big, bad way! I  LOOOOOOVVVE super important environmental messages in cartoons, and this one certainly had one! Sure, like all programs of this nature (Ha!), Swamp Thing’s message probably wasn’t all that sincere… but these ‘toons always worked on me as a kid!  If Swamp Thing gives a hoot, than so do, muthafuckasI! 🙂

Despite only lasting 5 episodes, there was a plethora of glorious Swamp Thing mechandise swamping the shelves. This included a paint-by-number kit, a board game, T-shirts, children’s slippers, a bop bag, pencil sharpeners, and…wait for it… chalk! The line also had some kickass playsets that let you spread Swamp Thing’s message of environmental preservation… with violence! Check out these sweetazz commercials:

For your Saturday morning pleasure, we have the first episode of this swamp-tastic show! It’s exactly the kind of thing you should be watching with a bowl of Boo Berry and some monster pajamas. So, sit back and get swamped with Swamp Thing!

Like your wackily wonderful Wild Thing parody opening theme states, Swamp Thing… you are AMAZING! 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day to all you morbidly majestic mummies out there! Today’s your day, so relax and don’t lose your head!

Here’s to mothers everywhere, whether they be artistic…
…Fashionable…

…A tad over-protective…

…Old-fashioned…
…Dramatic…

…Rational…

…Cheery…
…Irritable…

…A real witch…
…Or Just plain weird.
A toast to mothers….
...Stepmothers…
…Mother figures…

…And Other Mothers.
From of us here at Kinky Horror…



 



 

Scary Shorties: Mickey’s Mechanical Man (1933)

Before Richard Matheson brought a robot into the ring and Toho had one rough up an ape, Disney gave us both of those wonderful things in 1933’s Mickey’s Mechanical Man, a knockabout cartoon caper that pits machine against beast. The short is about Mickey Mouse training a robot to fight an ape in a boxing match and… do I need to say anything else!? I mean, that’s pure monster movie magic as it is! Disney has produced more sophisticated shorts, but who needs sophistication when you have beastly brutes monster-mashing each other in glorious black-and-white?!

Mickey’s Mechanical Man is a fairly one-note short, but it plays that note so magnificently! There are gags aplenty and enough machine-on-monster action to satisfy  all you creature-craving crazies out there. Mickey and Minnie are always welcome, and the ape is as perfectly monstrous as one could hope for. As for the animation, it’s fluid, lively, and… well, Disney!
While there’s much to love about this ‘toon, the highlight is the tit-ular Mechanical Man. I’m a sucker for vintage/retro robots, and this affable automaton certainly fits the bill. Every bit of animation for the ro-boxer is brilliantly herky-jerky. The spasmodic, robotic pugilist moves like a wind-up toy with very little use for physics. It’s this kind of character and animation that make these cartoons such a blast to watch! Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!

Check out the Battle of the Century below:


#SuperheroSaturday Cartoon Time: Captain America, Episode 1

Happy Free Comic Book Day, true believers! Question: who’s strong and brave, here to save the American Way?

That’s right, comic creeps! It’s Captain America, the Star-Spangled Man with a plan! I just love a man in uniform, especially one who knows how to work a (flag)pole! 😉

We all know Cap is a Hitler-punchin’, swear-hatin’ butt-kicker with a heart of gold, but how did he get to be that darn awesome? Captain America: The First Avenger gave us an origin story, but it wasn’t the first. Oh no, sir! That ho-nor belongs to first episode of Captain America from 1966!

Airing as part of  The Marvel Super Heroesthe first episode of Captain America was actually three chapters that made up a whole story. These chapters were The Origin of Captain America, Wreckers Among Us, and Enter Red Skull.

What makes this cartoon eXXXtra special for today is that, like all The Marvel Super Hero shorts, this superheroic adventure was taken straight out of the comics in every conceivable way! The animation consisted of photocopied images taken directly from the comic art and manipulated to created “motion.” These Marvel toons certainly didn’t move much, but what they did do is showcase the art of Marvel’s best and brightest. In this Cap Cartoon, you’ll see some art work from the legendary Jack Kirby come to life, and what could be more appropriate for Free Comic Book Day than that? Excelsior!

Check out Cap and his Mighty Shield below: