News Bleed: The “Lara Croft vs. Ghostface” Edition

The original Ghostface mask returns in Scream Season 3!!! 🙂 SyFy

Lara Croft raids again in the new Tomb Raider trailer! 🙂Variety

The new TMNT figures are… MONSTROUS! Bleeding Cool

Target unleashes exclusive Universal Monsters goodies! 🙂 Bloody Disgusting

Cult of Chucky will slash its way to Netflix this October! IGN

Linda Hamilton will be back in the new Terminator picture! 🙂 Hollywood Reporter

#TimeTravelThursday (it’s a thing ;) Comic Book Review: Back to the Future #1

(Submitted by Mr. Prince Adam…Thanks, Superfiend! 🙂 xoxo)

“Untold Tales and Alternate Timelines, part 1: BttF creator/screenwriter Bob Gale returns with all-new tales from the twisting and turning timeline that made Back to the Future a, well… TIMELESS pop-culture phenomenon! Take a trip back to 1985 and be there when Doc Brown and Marty McFly first meet, and then jump even farther back, to 1945, to witness Doc’s involvement in the super-secret Manhattan Project.”


Rather than pick up after the third film, I like that this film goes back to the past to tell two stories about our two main protagonists. The first story starts in the early 1900’s and features Doc Brown telling his young son, the story of how he and Marty McFly met. While it’s never stated, given the time period this story starts in, I’m assuming the Doc Brown featured here, is the one who experienced the events of all three films. With that premise in play, this issue delivers on the films title and takes us Back to the Future. We then see Marty McFly being bullied by “Needles”, who wants to take Marty’s interoctpr tube and use it for his guitar. When Marty struggles to get it back, it breaks. At this point. “Needles warns Marty that if he doesn’t get one for him, before he and his band need to perform, Marty’s going to get a beating. As Marty tries to track down a interocito tube, he realizes that they’ve all been sold to reclusive scientist Doc Brown. Marty locates his residence, but is turned away at the intercom. He’s even electro shocked for his troubles. Ever persistent, Marty finds a way to sneak in, only to encounter more booby traps, He finally meets Doc Brown, who applauds him for following the clues he laid to his residence and finding a way into his house, despite all the safeguards. When Marty tells Doc Brown why he’s there, Doc gives him a interceptor tube and offers him a job as his assistant, so long as all the work they do in the lab is kept a secret. Marty agrees and the iconic friendship is born. Having co creator and screenwriter Bob Gale co-write this comic is great, because he thrusts the reader right back into a familiar world. It was fun seeing the reclusive/conspiracy theorist reputation of Doc Brown again. This coupled with a Marty who is shy, meek and being threatened by a bully, made me feel like I was watching the iconic first film again. The classic lines of “Think McFly Think” and “Great Scott” appear in this book but, never feel like they’re there just for the hell of it. They’re used in appropriate instances. The second story takes us to 1943 and the California Institute of Technology, where a younger Doc Brown is furious at his boss, for not recommending him to the committee in charge of selecting the Manhattan Project. His boss said he though of him but, ultimately felt that his chaotic unorganized personality, would prevent him from getting a spot on that committee. Doc brown insists on a meeting anyways. To present a more structured, organized version of himself, he sets up the interview at a neighbor’s house. Despite his deceptive efforts, the government official and General conducting the interview, unearth his lie, thanks to a piece of his neighbor’s wayward mail. Figuring he blew the interview, Emmett heads home, only to find J. Robert Oppenheimer in his basement lab, welcoming him to the Manhattan Project. While the first part of the story is more exciting, I like that this part of the story gives us the more unhinged, unorganized, and chaotic Doc Brown we are used to for the bulk of the films, even though he is younger. His deceptive ways to get what he wants, gives him something else in common with Marty, who snuck his way into Emmett’s house in our main story. I liked the connectivity and similar traits of our to main characters. They were destined to team up.


Art for the first story is by Brent Schoonover. His depiction of Doc Brown in the late 1800’s/early 1900’s looked exactly how we left him and his family in the third film. Likewise, the 1985 initial meeting between Doc Brown and Marty McFly was very much like their first encounter in the original film, at least a nod to it. The look of Marty and Doc Brown is spot on to the appearance of actors Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd, as their characters. It’s so good, you’d be forgiven for confusing this issue to be a cut scene on the Blu-Ray extras. I loved that whenever a date and time was given in this book, it was depicted in the style of the date/time dashboard of the DeLorean. Even though the iconic car is absent from the book, it’s presence is still felt. The back story is drawn by Dan Shoening of Ghostbusters fame. Even though we get a younger Doc Brown here, we get the crazy over the top mannerisms, more so in this story, than the first one. It makes for a funny page. Doc Brown looks like a young Christopher Lloyd, but with an Egon esque hair style. I don’t know if Mr. Shoening did this on purpose, or as a force of habit. Either way, it works. I loved the splash page of Doc Brown’s early lab. It is eclectic, chaotic and cramped, very much like its owner.

I loved being back in this world. I can’t believe I’m just discovering this book now. I like that instead of resting on the laurels of making this book a sequel to the film, the first arc is exploring untold prequel cannon. In addition to that, I can’t wait until this book explores altered timelines too! If you’re a fan of this film series, this is a MUST OWN book! If you’re not a fan of this film series, sorry, I can’t help you!

#TBT TV Review: Batman: The Animated Series – Season 1 Episode 1: On Leather Wings

(Submitted by Prince Adam, aka Batman’s Bitch Boy… 😉 Thanks, Super Friend. Love ya lots! 🙂 xoxo)

“Batman finds himself tangling with a Jekyll-and-Hyde bat creature after it attacks a night watchman and the police wage a war on the Dark Knight. “

Batman: The Animated Series is a classic show and piece of Batman history. Every classic show needs to start somewhere, and for Batman : TAS, it’s On Leather Wings. I give a lot of credit to Bruce Timm and Paul Dini for having faith in their show to kick it off with a secondary villain like Kirk Langstrom aka Man-Bat. While more obscure, it’s actually a perfect fit. Man-Bat is the literal physical representation of a bat-man, and is the perfect antithesis to our costumed caped crusader. He’s also an allegory of the Jekyll and Hyde character, and when you watch the episode, you realize, so too is Batman in a way. Both Kirk Langstrom and Bruce Wayne embody the spirit of that story. Both men struggle with duality. Both maintain a good well adjusted persona, and both hide a dark persona that unleashes more of an animalistic violent nature.  The difference being, Bruce Wayne is able to rein his in and uses that darkness as a force for good. The episode does a great job of briefly introducing the other core characters in the show, namely Detective Bullock and Commissioner Gordon. They establish that Gordon doesn’t see Batman as a menace, while Bullock definitely sees him as a dangerous vigilante. The show sets up Batman as a pre-existing figure in Gotham City, that the mayor wants the police to apprehend. The episode spends much of it’s time in showcasing Batman’s detective skill. He spends 3 quarters of the episode discovering and piecing together clues about Man-Bat. This was fantastic, because most non comics adaptations gloss over the detective aspect of the character. My only slight negative is that, the actual Batman Vs. Man Bat confrontation seemed a little too rushed for my liking. That and the fact that Batman was able to get the Man-Bat formula out of Doctor Langstrom off screen and rather quickly.  But hey, given the episode is only 22 minutes, and did just about everything right, I can let it slide.

The animation is fantastic. I love the dark blue/black and grey colour scheme with yellow oval symbol for Batman’s costume. I always viewed it as the animators making a nod to the Adam West costume in a way, but with darker shades. The Bat-Computer was a definite nod to Batman 66, sounds and all.  The Batmobile took it’s nods from Tim Burton’s iteration, but was it’s own beast, being longer and sleeker.  That opening credits montage, is possibly the most beautiful thing, I’ve ever seen lead off any  TV show. Batman cloaked in the shadows taking down bank robbers, the Batmobile roaring through the streets, and it all culminates with a bolt of lightening, illuminating Batman on the rooftop of a Gotham skyscraper! I’ve got chills just describing it! Speaking of Gotham City, I love the look of it. It’s the 1939 Worlds Fair meshed with early 1990’s modern day, and putting those two together, gives the city and the series a sense of timelessness This was definitely not the best episode of the series. This show is filled with episodes deserving of that crown. However, it set the tone for what was to come. It had me speechless when I first watched it 25 years ago, and I was just as excited when I watched it again the other day.  Happy 25th Anniversary to Batman: The Animated Series.  This series had as much influence, if not more on my Batman and superhero fandom. as Batman 66 and Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman film.  This anniversary gave me just the excuse I was looking for to start reviewing this animated masterpiece.   If you want to follow along, my reviews will go according to how episodes appear on my copies of the DVD!


In another Batman related note, Happy (belated) 66th Birthday to Michael Keaton, the man who took my love of Batman to new heights and I’ve loved the character ever since! Now that he’s 66 and now that Warner Brothers is creating an Elseworld’s division of DC Films, let’s bring things full circle and have Michael Keaton play the older Bruce Wayne in a Batman Beyond film shall we WB!

#SexOnSunday: The Sci-Fi Parodies Edition

(Submitted for your scientific approval by one Mr. Smutmaser Eric…Thanks so much, Kinky Ho-miebot, and Happy Sunday Funday to all my lil’ Kinky Ho-s! 🙂 xoxo)

Ass Effect: A XXX Parody (2017)

Runtime: 22 min

Commander Shepard (Eric Everhard) visits non-human researcher Dr. Liara T’Soni (Rachel Starr) to discuss an attack by Cerberus, a human-survivalist paramilitary group led by the enigmatic Illusive Man. He suggests she should’ve known what Cerberus was planning. She says he’s not really here to discuss that, then switches the topic to a woman named Miranda he’s been with. He admits he has, then they start fucking soon after

Guardians of the Gonads: A DP XXX Parody (2017)

Runtime: 24 min

The galaxy has a new enemy: The Universal Church of Truth.

The mysterious Magus is their one God – the beautiful Matriarch, their figurehead.

They have one aim…convert the universe by any means possible! The galaxy must respond.

Star-Lord (Michael Vegas) & Gamora (Cassidy Klein) take on this mission without the others.

Kinky Komic Book Review: Riverdale #2

(Submitted by Mr. Prince Adam…Thank you, Super Friend! 🙂 xoxo)

“Set in the same universe as the hit CW series, Riverdale continues to reveal untold stories of the world’s most famous teenagers. When five students from different social cliques (Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jugghead, and Josie) end up in Saturday detention together — will they kill each other or come together against the forces of evil that brought them there?” (Archie Comics)

If you love the film The Breakfast Club, then you will love this book.  This is the comic book’s homage to that classic 80’s coming of age film.  Heck, the title of the film is the title of this  issue and there are at least three characters in the book who reference the film. Archie even mentions having never seen the film.  That’s the hardest part of this book to believe, that someone hasn’t seen The Breakfast Club.  The fact that the film is spoken by name, as well as social media such as twitter, sets Riverdale as existing in the real world.  I’m glad this is the case because these characters are your average teenagers, meaning there’s no need to create a alternate world for them to inhabit.  Narratively, the issue is bookended by present day and time scenes, but the bulk of the issue is a flashback to the food fight, that landed them in detention.  After Josie, of “Josie and the Pussycats” fame singles out relative new girl Veronica Lodge for starting the food fight, we get a look back at what everyone was doing during the food fight.

Archie tuned up his guitar and stood up on a table, ready to give an impromptu concert.  However, his crippling fear of performing in front of people prevents him from going through with it.  This is technically, the first mention of Archie’s desire to be a musician and sets up his rivalry with Josie. It also sets up the dichotomy of wanting to be a performer, yet being shy about performing in front of others. We see him battle and to a degree, overcome this fear in the back half of season 1 but here, it’s really fresh.  Also, a fear of public speaking/performing is a fear I’ve had back in high school, so I absolutely feel for him.  Veronica Lodge was helping her friend Kevin set up a Gay/Straight school alliance, to try and decipher all the gay students in the school, and get their numbers so Kevin could get a date.  Sure, setting up a school group just to get a date seems a little overboard.  Though I purposely wrote an essay filled with errors, as well as the backup one with suspected corrections I’d need to make, because I had  really hot teacher that I wanted to spend more time with before class. Of course, nothing happened, but she was hot, so the extra time was so worth it!  Anyway, the true take away from this scene, which continues on from issue #1, is that while Veronica has an attitude and a chip on her shoulder, she is intensely giving and fiercely protective of her friends.  She admits that she got involved in the food fight, when a football jock insulted her and Kevin but she didn’t start the fight.  As for Betty and Jugghead, Betty was doing research for an article she is writing for the school paper.  One of the books she is reading is The Story of O, an erotic novel.  When Jugghead discovers this, he playfully chastises Betty.  However, when Cheryl grabs the book and starts referring to Betty and her sister as freaks and outcasts.  The reference to Betty’s sister, is the first mention of Betty’s sister and Cheryl’s brother having dated and that it ending badly.  As Cheryl berates her, we can see darkness and anger building up and erupting in Betty, as she throws a piece of pie at the back of Cheryl.  Betty’s anger and darkness gets heightened in Season 1  but you see it in it’s infancy here.  Without spoiling anything, I hope Betty’s emotional state is explored more in this comic and in Season 2.  I like that the instigator of the food fight was Betty, the goody two shoes you’d lest expect.  The book ends with detention ending and the gang sans Josie, sharing a meal at Pop’s Dinner.

Joe Eisma is back on art but this time is joined by fellow artist Thomas Pitilli.  Their artwork looks so similar, that when one ends and the other begins, it is hardly noticeable.  Each artist has certain characters who they excel at drawing though.  Joe Eisma’s strength is Archie, Josie, and Jugghead, while Thomas Pitilli draws a great Veronica, Cheryl and Betty. The opening image of the gang sitting in detention continues the theme of homage for The Breakfast Club. The position of the characters, and the location being the school library, is an exact replica of the film.  If the cover didn’t say Riverdale, you might think this was a comic book adaptation of the film. The image of Archie about to perform his impromptu cafeteria concert is great.  The detail is so strong, that you can not only see, but almost feel his crippling anxiety.  The scene where Betty snaps at Cheryl before she starts the food fight is very evocative on several levels.  First, you can see Betty’s face scrunching and teeth gritting in anger.  Adding to it, is the temporary black and purple color scheme in this panel almost makes it seem like we’ve gone into Betty’s mind and are seeing her anger actual emerge from the recesses of her mind. Kudos to  colorist Andre Szymanowicz.  Without him, this effect doesn’t happen.  My favourite page is definitely the food fight.  It’s so messy and chaotic.  There are later panels that isolate the food fight, from our main characters perspective but the main splash page is so chaotic. Also, somehow artist Thomas Pitilli has made Cheryl Blossom even more bitchy looking.  In his hands, her natural resting look is “Bitchy Face.”

The second issue doesn’t move the story along, instead being more of a character study of sorts. Last issue, I said it worked as both a prequel and a continuation of the TV series.  This issue is clearly more of a prequel to the story told in season 1.  It’ll be interesting to see if the series tries to juggle telling prequel stories, or if it toggles between prequels and concurrent stories.  If you’re a fan or the show or the characters from the comic books, you’ll like this book.  Even if you don’t love Archie or Riverdale, you’ll still want to read this if you love The Breakfast Club. And who doesn’t!?

News Bleed: The “Victor Crowley’s Revenge” Edition

Jumpin’ Jiminy Christmas! Martin Scorsese is producing a Joker movie! Deadline

Help George A. Romero get his well-earned Hollywood Walk of Fame star! 🙂 Dread Central

Eli Roth does his spooky thing for a Halloween Horror Nights commercial! People

In the Upside Down, no one can hear you scream… check out this Alien-inspired poster for Stranger Things! Screen Rant

Cult of Chucky “Sets Up World of Infinite Possibilities” for the franchise’s future. 🙂 Bloody Disgusting

The Doctor is in… the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer gets Strange. 🙂 comicbook

Victor Crowley returns in this teaser for the Hatchet reboot! 🙂 Entertainment Weekly

Goon Review: Contra Soundtrack

(Submitted by His Goon-y Greatness, Mr. Andrew Peters…Much obliged, Ho-rror Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxox)

Contra has the honor of being the first video game that left it’s opening screen impressed in my head. Everyone remembers the title card coming in from the right to the left as those few notes jingled and finally exploded when you pressed start (after frantically trying to enter the thirty lives code, of course). Immediately, you’re dropped into a jungle warzone, one that might remind you of Predator with the beat of the music synced perfectly with the action as you worked your way through HR Giger inspired levels and enemies.

Mondo’s recent release of Contra is one for the collection, without a doubt. There’s no considering it, if you’ve played the game or know anything about Nintendo, you need to grab this iconic soundtrack. Side A is the classic NES soundtrack you’ve come to know and love, starting with the aforementioned Title Card track and then creating a creepy mood with the Introduction before setting the action pace with the Area 1: Jungle track (I know, catchy track titles). This is the one we all know and love the most, I think, because of how many times you dropped into that beginning level when starting the game. Not only that, it also rocks more than most other NES tracks out there. My favorite track was always Area 6: Energy Zone which combines both the run and gun action and the creeping terror. Plus, that name is just perfectly ‘80s, it should have been a club somewhere.

 

I have to admit… I totally forgot this was an arcade game, but for a very good reason; not many people played it once the Nintendo version was out there. To be honest, the reason I don’t recall the arcade version is because I found the NES version to be superior in every way, especially with the music. This is one exceptionally rare cases where the Nintendo soundtrack is better than the arcade version. Yes, Contra’s NES music is better than its arcade counterpart. I know it’s hard to believe, but when you listen to Side B of the vinyl, which is the same tracks in the same order with the exception of Track 2: Introduction missing and Track 12: Ranking as a new addition, you will hear the difference. Now, one of these will work better for you and I’m sure for most of you it will be the Nintendo version. The arcade version is actually something more of a cleaner, perhaps a bit more clear Genesis version, what with a very metallic sound and tin clanks. You could argue that better represents the game, but for me, nothing will compare to the NES version.

With Mondo, the artwork is just as important as the actual soundtrack itself. Afterall, it’s all about presentation and Mondo usually always nails it. Usually. Eric Powell’s artwork on the cover is cool and kinda has a comic book style to it, showcasing the two heroes, Lance and Bill, albeit muted colors and to be honest, that’s the start of my disappointment with it. Contra is bright and colorful, full of Alien-esque creature designs and very little of that is present on the cover. Sure, the background behind the two muscle clad, gun toting protagonists shows a little bit of that, but there’s more negative space to be filled that should have been used with HR Giger imagery. It seems like halfway through creating an awesome cover, the artist ran out of time or just called it quits. Again, I’m not complaining about the quality, because I think it’s quite phenomenal, but underwhelming when you consider the source material.

The inside of the jacket is something that would jump at you out of your nightmares. Fold it open and the mother or queen, whatever it was called, dominates both sides and looking to be ready to jump out at you. I really like being able to see the sketchy pencil marks underneath the finished product, giving it a grittier look, but again, it’s just muted colors. Maybe I’m misremembering Contra, but the back cover shows maybe I’m not. That is more in line of what I’m talking about.

San Diego Comic Con goers had the option of getting an exclusive tri-color vinyl with red, orange and yellow, but personally I prefer the pressing that is available which is the classic blue and red. It represents the Player One and Player Two colors that dominated Nintendo games. It’s bright, vibrant and basic. It works so well.

I could go on forever about the Contra soundtrack, but then I would just be going in circles. For most of us that grew up with the arcade and Nintendo, this is one of the most definitive soundtracks to your childhood. I think it goes beyond playing into nostalgia… it’s just a kick-ass soundtrack that every collection needs.

Afloat: The Boats & Ships Edition, Part 2

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, my Radly Random Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

Afloat: The Boats & Ships Edition, Part 2

Starring:

Peter Pan (1953)

Featuring: Madison Ivy, Tyler Nixon, Claudette Colbert, Gene Wilder & Grace Kelly.

Erotico Vol. 2 (2014)

It Happened One Night (1934)

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)


High Society (1956)

Ho-stess’s PS- Here’s Rat Murdock being totes adorbs on his lil purple boat…Drink in the seXXXy! #MiamiMice 😉 xoxo

Thanks for the Memories, June.

“One of the few misconceptions about June is to think of her wonderful talent as ‘voice-over’. Nothing could be further from the truth. June is worthy of the gift-word: actress. She imbues a part with herself, be it a Mama Bear or the deadly cobra Nagaina in Rikki-Tikki-Tavi… in fact–and I speak with the deepest respect for him–I can only compliment Mel Blanc by saying that he could be called a male June Foray.”

– Chuck Jones

Even if her name is unfamiliar to you, there’s a good chance you grew up with June Foray. She was a woman of a thousand voices and of many timeless characters. Starting her career in 1937 and performing her final role in 2014,  Ms. Foray had delighted kids and adults alike for nearly a century. Her character voices include Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Jokey Smurf, Witch Hazel (Looney Tunes AND Disney), Granny from Looney Tunes, Twilight Zone’s Talky Tina, Lena Hyena/Wheezy the Weasel in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Grammi Gummi in Gummi Bears, and Cindy Lou Who. And as impressive as those examples may be, they only represent a small portion of her massive career.  She was a giant in her field and played a huge part in the childhoods of many.

Though she may be gone, her voice will never fall silent. Every time a child discovers How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Cinderella, or any of her other fabulous classics, they will hear her. She will be a part of the childhoods of generations to come, living eternally through the laughter and joy she will continue to inspire.

In honor of the fabulous Ms. Foray, we present Broom-Stick Bunny, a short considered to be the best of the Witch Hazel cartoons. It is a true classic and showcases the enormous talent of Ms. Foray. Enjoy.


Thank you for everything, Ms. Foray.

#WerewolfWednesday: Teen Wolf (1985)

(Submitted by Mr. Andrew Peters…Thanks, Andy, you Goonie!!! 😉 xoxo)

High School is such an awkward period in all of our lives. Maybe the struggles we faced weren’t nearly as bad as they seem now, but back then it would make or break you or shape who you would become. The scare of bullies, struggling to fit in and find your place, finding out who you are and who you will become, striving to be the very best on the sportsball team and then finding out your family is a bunch of werewolves. Well, maybe not exactly that last thing, but the Michael J. Fox teen comedy Teen Wolf explores that very idea. Perhaps it’s some sort of allegory for going through puberty and trying to fit in? If it is, it’s a rather thin one.

So, here’s an unpopular opinion. Have you ever really liked something or at least you thought you did, because of how it’s viewed in pop culture, but then you go back and revisit it and it’s not all that great? That’s Teen Wolf for me. Who doesn’t remember this movie and who didn’t love Michael J. Fox? He’s the charismatic underdog you want to see win the big game. You want to see him give the jerk his comeuppance and you want to see him get the girl. Along the way, he’ll discover who he is, where he fits in and that the girl for him was beside him the whole time. I know I just described every teen comedy ever, but did they all have werewolves? I think not! Does that make this a better film? Eh… well, no.

Michael J. Fox plays your average teen, Scotty Howard, and when I say average, I do mean average. He’s smart, but not brilliant. He plays on the basketball team and he does alright, but he’s no superstar, but he doesn’t completely suck either. He’s not invisible to girls, but he’s no Casanova either. I think you get my drift. Scotty lives with his dad, who seems pretty lame for the most part, but the guy cares about his son and you get the idea that there was some tragedy in his life seeing as how the mother isn’t around. I think maybe it was hinted at, but I don’t believe it was. He has a connection to the principal who has it in for Scotty, always harassing him, but the conclusion to that is rather lackluster. We don’t want the dad character to be too sympathetic and besides, we’ve already wasted the legal limit of cliches on Scotty.

When Scotty isn’t looking way too sweaty playing shooty-hoops at school, he’s hanging out and partying with his friend Stiles. I think everyone remembers Stiles from this movie. Stiles is, like, basically what an STD would be in human form. Actually, they may be an inaccurate description, because you would need to get laid for that to happen and I don’t see anyone or anything sleeping with Stiles. This is a character that was definitely written by an adult who thinks what kids perceive as cool. In every scene, he’s wearing not only different sunglasses, but different t-shirts with such eloquent phrases that in no scream ‘overcompensation,’ like “life sucks and then you die” or “what are you looking at dicknose.” He’s constantly bursting into whatever room it may be, slapping everyone’s shoulders and giving them unwarranted nicknames and trying to make jokes that fall flat. If Stiles were a real person, you would want to kick him in the dick so hard and watch him double over in pain and then just as the pain was starting to go away, you kick him again and repeat. There’s a particular scene that sums up his character perfectly when Scotty isn’t sure what to do about being a werewolf, so he turns to his friend Stiles for advice. Panicked and sweaty, Scotty tells Stiles that he has a secret he needs to tell him. This makes Stiles stop searching for his stash and put a defensive guard up and asks, “Look, are you gonna tell me you’re a fag because if you’re gonna tell me you’re a fag, I don’t think I can handle it.” Scotty then has to quickly reassure his friend that he isn’t gay, but rather a werewolf, because that’s so much better. Don’t worry, homophobe, your buddy isn’t gay… he’s a mythical creature with brute strength and insatiable taste for people. Only in the ‘80s.

Also, Scotty can turn into a werewolf willy-nilly or whenever he’s angry (I guess?). The movie doesn’t really come up with a solid rule on when that can happen and he doesn’t really become a wild animal that goes around eating people. In Teen Wolf, he becomes really good at basketball and dancing and now girls want his hairy wolf dong. After slaying the hot cheerleader poon (who was secretly doing so to make her boyfriend jealous, because the film needs a human antagonist), this starts to get to his head and he understandably gets an ego about it. He parades around school and town as the wolf and everyone is high fiving him. He’s kinda become Stiles, who is now selling Teen Wolf merchandise. I’m not joking. This movie is meta. Also, I need to bring up the fact that the first time he turns into the wolf, nobody seems scared or shocked or at the very least, shitting their pants or screaming. They just look taken aback briefly and then once he starts doing fancy basketball tricks, they cheer their heads off and applaud. I’ve never seen a crowd latch onto something so positively so quickly.


Even though the film is about Scott’s struggles about fitting in by acting like he’s someone else, the person who is really getting shit on is his cute, adorable friend named Boof who has the hots for him. He’s constantly pushing her to the side to oogle over the cheerleader, but she still stands by his side and tells him they should be more than friends. Even after everything he does to her, she still sticks with him. I know it’s because she’s always liked who Scott really is and she can overlook the total dickhead he’s become as the wolf, but I find it inexcusable. I actually felt sorry for her character and wished she would’ve dumped him at the end for a hint of realism, but no. They live happily ever after. Girl, get yourself a real man.

If I were to sum up Teen Wolf in just one word after this recent revisit, I would have to say it’s underwhelming. Apparently, Scream Factory must have thought so too or perhaps anyone involved with the movie, because this Blu-ray release is pretty bare bones and, once again, underwhelming for a new release of such a former popular movie. Apparently, Michael J. Fox hates this movie and hated making it so much, I can see why he wouldn’t want to talk about this film for some extra features. To be fair to this release, it is a brand new high definition transfer that looks incredible, even if it reveals a lot of the faults in the makeup. There’s also an incredibly lengthy, in depth featurette called Never. Say. Die. The Story of Teen Wolf that is nearly two and a half hours long. Other than that it’s the basic roll call of a theatrical trailer and a still gallery. Not even a single commentary from anyone involved, which is kinda weird that Scream couldn’t find anyone willing to sit down and talk about this movie. Or they didn’t try to find anyone, because maybe they realized that nobody really cares about this movie.

I don’t want to take anything away from the movie, I don’t think it’s terrible (which I know must be hard to believe after my ranting), but I don’t think it’s spectacular or this monstrous hit comedy it seems to be selling itself as. Even though Michael J. Fox hates the film, he does a great job as a kid struggling with typical high school problems… and sweating a lot. Seriously, in every transformation or basketball scene, he’s drenched, even if he’s barely done anything. No human could possibly sweat that much. I also thought James Hampton and Susan Ursitti were great and very compassionate in their roles as Scotty’s support. The makeup effects are pretty decent and don’t look horrifying or grotesque like you would see in a horror film, but that’s kinda the point. It’s supposed to be cute and charming, but this makes the transformations scenes (if you can even call them that) suffer. Aside from his ears stretching a little bit, I don’t believe we see an actual transformation and this is during the era of werewolf movies, like The Howling or American Werewolf in London. However, those were horror movies showcasing the agony and the disfiguring transformation that would takes place, whereas Teen Wolf is more about a wolf being a cool thing. The shots will often cut away briefly and cut back to Scotty all wolfed out and ready to surf on top of vans. Oh yeah, he surfs on top of a van to The Beach Boys’ Surfin’ USA, because apparently the movie wanted to start an unneeded trend and set a spike in accidental deaths by stupid teenagers.

Looking back, I’m totally shocked that this movie was popular enough to spin-off a sequel, a Saturday morning cartoon and a reboot TV show in 2011. Sure, this movie is (or was) popular, but I don’t ever remember hearing people clamoring for more of it or talking about the same way we do something like Friday the 13th. When I was a kid, we all had heard about this movie, but we weren’t talking about it like it was the funniest movie ever, like Ghostbusters. It was often mentioned in passing with little enthusiasm. Maybe there is a secret underground cult that really, really loves this movie and that’s the reason it’s so wildly popular, because otherwise I just don’t see it. Teen Wolf is riddled with cliches that were already feeling tired by the mid ‘80s and the only reason this film sticks out from the slew of emotionless, characterless teen comedies of that time is because, I hate to say this, the filmmakers were smart enough to make its main character a goddamn werewolf. One little, odd change and that’s all it took for this move to apparently become a smash hit. I don’t hate the film, but personally I don’t see it’s popularity nor do I remember it. Hell, nobody is even really talking about this upcoming Blu-ray, so maybe it’s one of those movies that is trying to sell you its own hype. Stiles must be part of its marketing.