Badges & Boobs: The Law Enforcement Edition, Part 1

(Submitted by our beloved Smutmaster General, Eric…Thank you, Kinky Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

Featuring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Julia Ann, Rocco Reed & Frances McDormand

Blue Steel (1990)

A female rookie in the police force engages in a cat and mouse game with a pistol wielding psychopath who becomes obsessed with her.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Fuck! (2010)

Julia’s son is brought home by the police again. In an attempt to placate the police officer, Julia offers him a couple of big tits to investigate.

Fargo (1996)

Jerry Lundegaard’s inept crime falls apart due to his and his henchmen’s bungling and the persistent police work of the pregnant Marge Gunderson.


Bonus:

Gold Hat (Alfonso Bedoya) in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

Ho-stess’s #TBT PS- Little Known Fact: I’m former FBI. ;.) xoxo

Beach Party a Go-Go, Part 2

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Kinky Ho-mie! :))

Featuring: Ursula Andress, Nahanni Johnstone, Burt Lancaster, Deborah Kerr, Radioactive Waste, Robert Pine, Pamela Susan Shoop, Ants, Pierce Brosnan & Halle Berry.

Dr. No (1963)

Infested (2002)

From Here to Eternity (1953)

Empire of the Ants (1977)

Die Another Day (2002)

Ho-stess’s PS- This week’s #MonsterMaskMonday fits right in here, though it was less about the beach and more of a…Poo Party!! 😉 xoxo

 

 

Local and Long Distance: The Telephone Edition, Part 4

(Submitted by our beloved Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Kinky Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

Featuring: Edward G. Robinson, Aline MacMahon, Anna Faris, Michèle Mercier, Kira Noir, Carol Kane, Ari Graynor & Scarlett Johansson.

Five Star Final (1931)

The City Editor of a sleazy tabloid goes against his own journalistic ethics to resurrect a twenty year old murder case.

Scary Movie 3 (2003)

Cindy must investigate mysterious crop circles and video tapes, and help the President in preventing an alien invasion.

I tre volti della paura (1963 Italy – 1964 US)

[American title: Black Sabbath]

A trio of horror tales: The first is The Telephone, about a woman named Suzy who continually receives threatening telephone calls from an unseen stalker.

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

When college coed Cindy (Blair Williams) inherits the Old Dracovich Mansion, she gets a lot more than she bargained for. The victim of a violent death, Lady Dracovich (E Jordan) stills haunts the house from beyond the grave, plotting to bring the dark forces of evil back to rule the Earth

When a Stranger Calls (1979)

A psychopathic killer terrorizes a babysitter, then returns seven years later to menace her again.

For a Good Time, Call… (2012)

Former college frenemies Lauren and Katie move into a fabulous Gramercy Park apartment, and in order to make ends meet, the unlikely pair start a phone sex line together.

Lucy (2014)

While studying in Taipei Taiwan, her boyfriend gets her mixed up with Korean mobsters that want to use her as a drug mule. After a synthetic drug called CPH4 gets into her system, she begins acquiring increasingly enhanced physical and mental capabilities, such as telepathy, telekinesis, mental time travel, and the ability not to feel pain or other discomforts.

Ho-stess’s PS- Because Garfield doesn’t do #MonsterMaskMondays… 😉 xoxo

#TataTuesday: The One Boob at Time Edition, Part 4

(Submitted by our Kinky Ho-mie, Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, freaktastic friend! 🙂 xoxo)

Featuring: Diana Prince, Alexyss Spradlin, Leisa Pulido & Sasha Grey

It Follows (2015)


This Ain’t Star Trek XXX (2009)

Open Windows (2014)


Bonus: Poison Ivy

(From a cosplay shoot in 2014-ish, I think. 😉 -D.P.)

Goon Review: The Lawnmower Man (1992)

(Before we get started , I’d like it noted for the record that I LOVE MR. JEFF FAHEY!!! 🙂

Now that that my shameless fangirling needs have been appeased, I’m happy to also let you know that this review was submitted by Mr. Andrew Peters…Thanks, Ho-rror Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

I believe the ‘90s had an extravagant way of overblowing technology in movies more than any other era in film. Sure, the ‘70s and ‘80s brought us some far out movies in terms of where they figured technology would go, but look at films like Alien where it’s very lo-fi. Or how about War Games that when you think it about isn’t as farfetched as it may seem. Even the show Max Headroom predicted quite a few things as crazy as that was amidst all its New Coke slinging. It seemed like movies were showing the progression of computers, from controlling ships to how we interact and communicate in the world to becoming a part of a livable cyber-world and while the examples I listed were fairly spot on in predicting the future, most films seemed to miss the idea. Or they were just having fun.

Something that films have yet to portray accurately – or at least non-unintentionally hysterical – is hacking and virtual reality. These were crazes that were taking the country by storm and being portrayed in the stupidest possible way in media. They were often shown as what old people thought young people thought could be marketed as cool; some kid with socks on his arms, neon colored hair and a ‘tude mashing on his keyboard while spitting made up cyber-jumbo, often pitted against “the man.” See films like Hackers or Game Over (a 2003 movie which uses 35 minutes of Sega CD footage as part of the story, I’m not kidding), but every now and then something would come along and take the material a little more seriously and while still being farfetched, it managed to walk a fine line of believability.

1992’s The Lawnmower Man was such a film, even though I think it’s much better looked upon now then when it was upon its initial release.The virtual reality popularity was at its highest, spawning dozens of movies and TV shows, like the underrated VR.5. Sure, the special effects were bad and the idea of VR never lived up to the hype and the fad died faster than the Lambada craze. Outside of film, the idea of virtual reality was never fully realized, but in cinema… it would change your life, become weaponized (somehow) make you god and would take over the world! Hey, at the time it seemed possible, probably because nobody really understood it or just how unimpressively limp it was. Still, some rather cool ideas came out of it. For example, I never thought I’d see a monkey in a bad Robocop costume.

Seriously. That’s how The Lawnmower Man begins. With a chimp doing some bad Robocop cosplay. Well, there is a reason behind it, so it’s not just something random for the sake of being stupid. A pre-Bond and pre-Mrs. Doubtfire Pierce Brosnan stars as Dr. Lawrence Angelo who is using virtual reality to make chimps smarter, because SCIENCE! Of course, the evil corporation (they are always evil, scheming evil plans to do something evil with your well intentioned creation) Virtual Space Industries – or VSI – wants to use it at a weapon and mixed with the chemicals they’ve been feeding it, the chimp goes ape shit (pun totally intended), steals a gun, guns down a guard and escapes. Now, let’s back up for a second here. VSI wants to use monkey soldiers. They are actually training chimps in virtual reality for use in combat. Now, I want you to think about this and then picture a hundreds of chimps dropping out of choppers or parachuting into combat and mowing down the enemy. Holy shit… this is how Planet of the Apes starts. I never thought the guy from Dante’s Peak would be the cause.

So much wild and weird stuff is happening at once and it’s only going to derail from here, so I’m gonna do my best to stay focused. This isn’t the best movie for someone with ADD to try and explain. It also doesn’t help that there’s a bunch of pretty colors and ‘90s computer graphics mixed with some pretty stupid dialogue. Paying attention to what the hell is going on in the plot was hard enough, now I have to try and not laugh at what I’m seeing and hearing.

The chimp eventually ends up finding and befriending Jobe (Jeff Fahey), a simple man who mows lawns. Hence, The Lawnmower Man. Unfortunately for Jobe, his friendship with the chimp is ended when VSI finds and guns down the primate shortly thereafter, but Dr. Angelo takes note of the surprisingly good looking and buff handicapped man and realizes that he mows his lawn. Wow, what a coincidence, huh? Dr. Angelo entices Jobe with the promise of video games that can make him smarter, so long as Father Francis, Jobe’s caretaker, agrees. Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to mind, just as long as it doesn’t get in the way of his lashing Jobe repeatedly with a belt. It’s a minor subplot, but a subplot nonetheless. I should also point out that although this isn’t taken out of the Stephen King story of the same name, but it is a Stephen King cliche that it follows; misunderstood sad sack who is tormented and picked on until he acquires super-powers and gets revenge.

The reason I’m only now bringing up that this was based on a Stephen King novel is because, well, it’s not. Aside from the name and the character being a lawnmower man, this has nothing to do with Stephen King’s story. In fact, Stephen King sued to have his name taking off the film and all promotional material during the film’s release and won.

Dr. Angelo begins with smaller, interactive quizzes and puzzles with Jobe, building him up to some good ol’ VR racing/action games with his neighbor, young Peter who would later move to a shady NYC neighborhood and have an unhealthy obsession with Arnold Schwarzenegger action flicks. Jobe is quickly getting the hang of things, much to Dr. Angelo’s surprise, even more so when Jobe is showing signs of rapid intelligent growth. Jobe is much smarter now, able to comprehend complicated math equations, any event in world history and to not dress like a country version of a Good Guys doll. One might say he is learning too fast and Dr. Angelo is becoming concerned, but luckily a sultry woman in need of her fluids getting checked, Marnie (played by one of the sexiest creatures on this planet, Near Dark’s Jenny Wright) distracts Jobe with mowing her lawn… and I mean that in both ways. She lays the sexual innuendos on so thick, it’s like biscuit batter. Not a very subtle approach, but then again she still thinks Jobe is mentally challenged. Wait, so why is she hitting on him?

Meanwhile, The Shop (another Stephen King reference) led by a giant head on a TV screen of Dean Norris sends someone to babysit Dr. Angelo and swaps out the improved chemicals he’s been giving Jobe with the old ones that made the monkey crazy to expedite results. Soon, things escalate and Jobe realizes that he now harnesses the power of telekinesis and telepathy and quickly becomes more overwhelmed by his powers and his learning speed. This starts to send him spiraling down a dark path, no longer having content for humans, because of the atrocities they’ve caused and with his newfound powers, sets out on a course of revenge. He even gears up in a sweet VR cyber suit, so at this point it’s almost like a superhero flick, which makes sense seeing as how Jobe’s character was obsessed with comic books. Becoming too powerful for this mortal realm, he decides it’s time to infiltrate the cyber world to take over the world! After all, they didn’t spend all this money on CG for nothing.

I’m sure everyone remembers all the promos on TV and especially in print of the cyber-Jobe. I remember seeing that image of his golden face against that blue, honeycombed patterned background. Advertisement for this movie was everywhere and they were expecting this thing to be huge. On a ten million dollar budget, the film only did about three times as much which wasn’t as much as the studio had expected it to make. Combine that with mixed to negative reviews, the film just kinda came and went. The virtual reality craze was on its way out seeing as how technology just wasn’t quite there and the way it was portrayed in media was now seen as a joke, The Lawnmower Man just went away. It did get a direct to video sequel in 1996, The Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (retitled to The Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe’s War for home video), but it was pretty much hated by everyone and still is. Personally, I fucking love it. It’s one of those ‘so bad, it’s good’ films.

What blows my mind is that Hollywood is still trying to make this movie. Not The Lawnmower Man, but the idea itself of a being becoming so intelligent that it wants to rule the world via computers. Transcendence comes to mind and shades of Lucy as well. It’s a recycled plot that for whatever reason people aren’t really interested in. I think it’s because The Lawnmower Man, as absolutely silly as it is once you think about it, did it really damn well. Sure, it’s not only taking the name from a Stephen King story, but similar plot elements with other various Stephen King stories. Not only that, the basic idea of a simple man becoming more intelligent through the use of technology is the premise of the novel Flowers for Algernon. In essence, you could say The Lawnmower Man is mish mash of cyber-punk with Stephen King tropes. And to be honest, I think it’s fantastic for that. Directed by Brett Leonard (who also directed to paranormal/zombie flick The Dead Pit) took various ideas and materials and wanted to make something that mixed the then trendy cyber-punk idea with various horror elements, like slasher and the idea of a ghost in the machine or a being becoming too powerful to control.

I have to also hand it to all of the actors involved for really selling what is pretty much an atrocious idea and making it work. Normally, this sort of film would have terrible special effects (well, worse than the ones on screen, even though they looked fairly decent for 1992) and littered with technobabble jargon, but all of that stuff is reserved. The use of VR footage is mostly scarce until the climax and Dr. Angelo talks like a normal human being instead of some “hip” hacker type of character just spitting out nonsense dialogue. Jeff Fahey even manages to make Jobe sympathetic, even when he begins to become too smart for himself and goes on a killing spree, but my favorite performance by far is Jenny Wright, because we get to see her boobs. I don’t care if that’s immature, she’s beautiful and so is her body. I’ve always had the hots for her.

The Lawnmower Man is finally available on Blu-ray, both the theatrical and the director’s cut on a 2-disc set thanks to your pals at Scream Factory. Disc one features the theatrical cut, which is also a 4K scan from the original interpositive and has a new look at the film called Cybergod: Creating The Lawnmower Man, featuring interviews with co-writer/director Brett Leonard, actor Jeff Fahey, editor Alan Baumgarten, make-up effects artist Michael Deak and special effects coordinator Frank Ceglia. Brett Leonard and Gimel Everett (writer and producer) provide an audio commentary and you can find some deleted scenes as well as the original EPK, some edited animated sequences and of course, the trailer and TV spots. Disc two is where you’ll find the director’s cut (which is also a 4K scan from the interpositive with additional “Director’s Cut” footage from the original camera negative) alongside another audio commentary from Brett Leonard and Gimel Everett, concept art, BTS and productions stills, as well as some storyboard comparisons. Needless to say, you get a lot of bang for your buck, but for me, just having both cuts of the film looking as freaking beautiful as they do here is worth it alone.

I absolutely adore The Lawnmower Man and that might have something to do with my fondness for the way the media sees computer hacking, gaming and technology. It brings back good nostalgic feelings and it’s worth some chuckles, but this film also takes itself very seriously and gets kinda dark at moments. Even though the idea of the movie is silly, it never once leads you to believe this is a joke and maintains a relatively good balance of taking place in the real world. Hopefully Scream Factory will release Jobe’s War in the near future.

Beach Party a Go-Go, Part 1

(Submitted on this sublime Summer solstice by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Kinky Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

It’s Summer once again KH readers, so go play in the ocean and watch hot bikini babes tan their tight tushes! 😉

If that’s not your thing, you can sit inside with a lemonade and enjoy the beaches in this post without getting sand in places you don’t want, or nasty sunburns you’ll spend weeks complaining about…You’re welcum!! 😉

Featuring: Lynda Carter, Penny Pax, Keiran Lee, Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson, Diana Prince & Statue of Liberty.

Wonder Woman TV Series (1975–1979)

Summertime Crush (2014)

Keiran Lee was having a bad year, and decided to take a walk on the beach to clear his head. He was just minding his own business hanging out by the pier when sexy slut Penny Pax found him there and saw that he was clearly upset.

Creepshow (1982)

Segment: Something to Tide You Over

Richard Vickers, a vicious, wealthy psychopath whose spry jocularity belies his cold-blooded murderousness, stages a terrible fate for his unfaithful wife, Becky, and her lover, Harry Wentworth.


#FreedomFriday (2016)

Planet of the Apes (1968)
 

Bonus:

Mungo Jerry – In the Summertime (1970)

Driving and Parked #1: The Vehicles Edition, Part 2

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Kinky Ho-miebot! 🙂 xoxo)

Featuring: Tura Satana, Haji, Paul A. Partain, Sally Burns, Terry McMinn, William Vail, Ed Guinn, Marcus London, Britney Amber, Woody Harrelson & Juliette Lewis.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Halloween XXX Porn Parody (2011)


Natural Born Killers (1994)

Bonus Music Video:

Deep Dark Robot – Can’t Getcha Out Of My Mind (2012)


Ho-stess’s PS#FBF to that one time I was in a car…Remember that?? #goodtimes 🙂

In the Mirror: The Reflections Edition, Part 6(6/6)

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, E-Dawg!! 😉 xoxox)

Featuring: Robert De Niro, Penny Pax, Martin Casella, Mark Wahlberg & Julia Stiles

Taxi Driver (1976)

The Submission of Emma Marx (2013)

Poltergeist (1982)

Boogie Nights (1997)


The Omen (2006)

Ho-stess’s PS- Not as racy as my typical fare, but(t) I did promise #Smutmaster I’d post a mirror pic, too. Since this particular shot was snapped in HELL‘S Kitchen on the birthday I just so happen to share with DAMIEN (of Omen fame ;)), it seemed appropriate…6/6 Babies Rule!!! 😉 xoxoxo

A #Smutmaster Review: The WW Parody Edition

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Kinky Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

Wonder Woman XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2015)

Made a few years before Vivid released it, this is one of Axel’s most mediocre parodies, with just 15 minutes of non-sex. The different storylines never develop, so there’s no conclusion to anything that’s discussed.

WW, like all of Axel’s comic parodies has great costumes, and some of the most talented performers, all capable of being equally good at the non-sex and sexual parts of a porn feature. It’s unfortunate the script is like something that was quickly scribbled onto napkins, then typed up once for the cast to yawn over, I mean read, smile and say “it’s so good,” when there’s no way they mean it.

It begins promisingly with Wonder Woman (Kimberly Kane, looking terrific) thwarting a theft in an embassy by Angle Man and his useless henchmen. She questions him about a triangle-shaped object he was carrying while tied up in her lasso, but to her surprise, he vanishes before saying much.

Later.

We see Lois Lane (Kirsten Price) waiting at a gas station, at night. Why this place? They don’t say. She was expecting Superman, but when WW shows up in his place, Lois is more perturbed than a lady at KFC that’s been told they’re out of crispy. Her arrival is a favor for Superman, that couldn’t come because he’s somewhere in Africa. (Sightseeing? Booty call? Feeding starving kids? We’re not told.)

“I won’t give up Clark without a fight,” an angry Lois tells WW. “There is no Clark, Clark is a lie!” This news just makes Lois bitchier by the minute, so she continues on with her silly, jealous bluster, but WW is unfazed and tells her “He’s made his choice!”

After that nonsense.

WW visits Doctor Fate (Eric Masterson) for answers about the triangle. After studying it, he’s only able to her “it’s heavy.” Useless! When WW leaves, he bangs this chick Maddy (Claire Robbins).

It’s the sexual highlight for me, filled with enthusiasm and more bare skin than some other scenes.

Sometime after that.

Killer Frost (Ash Hollywood) meets with Angle Man to discuss the botched embassy heist. They talk about WW for a minute or two, before screwing. Not long after he shoots his warm load on her, she freezes him out of existence. (The only funny moment!)

Later in the Batcave.

An injured Bruce Wayne studies the triangle, while WW reminisces with Batgirl (Penny Pax) about their odd outdoor threesome with Ares (Evan Stone). (This scene could’ve been exceptional, but the Vaseline smeared on the lens is distracting and the costumes stay on, so we never see their boobs. Boo!)

Afterwards.

Lois sits down to interview Cheetah (Melody Jordan), under the pretense of wanting to write a story about her, now that she’s received a pardon from President Lex Luthor. Cheetah knows Lois is full of shit and wants the truth.

They discuss a plan about their mutual enemy WW, then the frisky feline and bitchy reporter proceed to give each other a tongue-bath. (Cheetah’s silly looking costume stays on, so we never see her boobs. Boo!)

Elsewhere.

Superman (Ryan Driller) and WW heat up the Fortress of Solitude. (The boobs stay covered again. Damn you, Axel!)

After sex.

These heroes aren’t into cuddling, so they go outside to talk in the cold. (You’ll have that puzzled look too!)

After a few minutes of dull banter, an unseen force begins to control Superman’s mind. WTF? WW prepares to defend herself, and it ends abruptly. Boo! Hiss! 

Rating  out
 
Bonus BTS:
Ho-stess’s PS- Fun Fact: I was originally cast as Wondy in this, but got booted due to… “porn politics”. It was super devastating to me at the time, and was the final straw that broke the “Taking a Hiatus” camel’s back. Now years later, I’m super glad things worked out the way they did. (Though you can still eXXXpect some naughty Wondy work from me in the future. 😉 xoxo)

#FuckFreddy: Five Rad Robert Englund Roles (in Ho-nor of Our Birthday! :)

Happy Birthday to the Man of our Nightmares, Mr. Robert Englund!! (I hear a lot of folks born on June 6 are pretty badass… ;))

Good Ol’ Robby E…. we all know him as Freddy Krueger, the pizza-faced freak who gives good glove. I mean, there’s no denyin’ that ghoul’s place in ho-rror history. At this point, he’s (arguably) on the same level as Dracula and Frankenstein. As Heather Langenkamp said in New Nightmare, “Every kid knows who Freddy is. He’s like Santa Claus, or King Kong.”

However, as eXXXcellent as Mr. Englund is in that role, we feel that some of his other work goes underappreciated. In ho-nor of birthday, we’re shining a light on some Robert Englund characters that don’t get nearly the same amount of love as Fred Krueger! They may not be as dreamy as The Springwood Slasher, but these performances are a cut above the rest! Without any further a-BOO (I kill myself! ;)), here are five kickass Krueger-free Robert Englund performances! 🙂

1.) The Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Let’s start off with a Fright at the Opera! Yes, my Dark-lings… Mr. Englund took a stab at one of the all-time great monsters of cinema and showed that he really has an ear for music… but I’m not sure whose ear it is! 🙂

This film is an awesomely bizarre (and bizarrely awesome) fusion of Gothic Ho-rror and Slasher Terror, loaded with both gruesome gore and chilling atmosphere. Englund is simply amazing here, juggling hammy monster awesomeness and real emotion with ghoulish grace. Take a bow, Mr. Englund!

2.) Doc Halloran in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see that much of this “Ahab” (the heroic nemesis of the slasher) in this awesome horror-comedy mockumentary, but what we do see is freakin’ magic! Essentially, Doc Halloran (named after Dick Hallorann from The Shining) is Robert Englund playing Dr. Loomis from Halloween,,, and that’s as cool as it gets! He may not be in it for long, but it’s great to see Robert Englund play a hero for once.

3.) The Riddler in The Batman (2004)

Riddle me this: what happens when Freddy Krueger and Marilyn Manson have a son together? This version of The Riddler from The Batman, of corpse! While this animated series was nowhere near The Animated Series, it still had its fair share Bat-Awesome, including Mr. Englund’s creepy take on The Riddler. Talk about a Questionable character!

4.) Bill Gartley in The Mangler (1995)

The Mangler is perhaps the finest film about a demonic industry laundry press that folds people to death. Stephen King, Tobe Hooper, and our boy Robert join forces to create a pretty bonkers movie about the evils of Capitalism! Caked in old-age make-up, Mr. Englund is deliciously evil, but I suppose that a man who owns a machine called “The Mangler” has to be.  You gotta know when to fold ’em!

5.) Prof. William Wexler in Urban Legend (1998)

Last but not BEAST is the mysterious Prof. WeXXXler, my personal favorite! Okay, so it’s not a flashy part, but I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE me some Urban Legend! Robert Englund may just be a red herring (or is he…? ;))  but he rocks every bit of it! Props, Prof!

Happy Birthday, Birthday Twin!! 😉 xoxo

PS- It’s also Danny Strong’s birthday. Yay! 🙂