Happy (Actual) Birthday, Jessica Harper!!!!!!

12074788_514250872076222_2726234343440072351_nA Very Happy Birthday to Jessica Harper (October 3rd, despite the WRONG info listed on her IMDB page), one of the world’s most amazing actresses of all time, ever!! J-Harp (as I like to call her :)) has appeared in some of the most bizarre films to receive mainstream releases, including Woody Allen’s Stardust Memories, Pennies from Heaven (with Steve Martin), the insanely overlooked Rocky Horror Picture Show follow-up Shock Treatment, a badass episode of Tales from the Crypt (that grossed me out so much when I was little!!!), the brilliantly bonkers Phantom of the Paradise (#BeefLives!!), and the Queen of Italian Ho-rror pictures, Dario Argento’s Suspiria!!!

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As Suzy Bannion in Suspiria, she achieves the rare feat of portraying innocence without ignorance or naïveté, while possessing a knowing look and curious nature. In Phantom of the Paradise, she’s a fantastic “Christine” to a groovy Phantom and belts out a mean tune… and blessed us with the best ho-rror film dance this side of Crispin Glover’s dance in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. (#BlessedBe. ;)) She took over for Susan Sarandon in Shock Treatment and rocked a little black dress like no one else  No matter the role, she brings a inimitably quirky charm and steals the show. She is the Goddess of Cult Cinema. 🙂

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Happy Birthday, Jessica! All us Kinky Ho-s absolutely adore you!! 🙂 xoxo

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Long Live Suzy Bannion!

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(One of the greatest scenes in all of cinematic history!)

PS- I like to show off my helmet whenever possible… (I know a lot of you guys can relate. ;))

potpPPS- Suspiria!! 🙂

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Happy October, Kinky Kreeps!

“First of all, it was October, a rare month for boys. Not that all months aren’t rare. But there be bad and good, as the pirates say. Take September, a bad month: school begins. Consider August, a good month: school hasn’t begun yet. July, well, July’s really fine: there’s no chance in the world for school. June, no doubting it, June’s best of all, for the school doors spring wide and September’s a billion years away.

But you take October, now. School’s been on a month and you’re riding easier in the reins, jogging along. You got time to think of the garbage you’ll dump on old man Prickett’s porch, or the hairy-ape costume you’ll wear to the YMCA the last night of the month. And if it’s around October twentieth and everything smoky-smelling and the sky orange and ash gray at twilight, it seems Halloween will never come in a fall of broomsticks and a soft flap of bedsheets around corners.”

-Ray Bradbury


A very mysterious, spooky, and all-together ooky October 1st to all you groovy ghoulies and cool ghouls out there!

October is indeed a special month.  For us ho-rror aficionados, ghouls and ghosts roam throughout the year, but it’s the Halloween season when they reach their full potential and dominate this mortal plane. The wind bustles with the specters of Autumn and the monsters are no longer confined to the dark. For this most glorious month, the grotesque and beautiful become one. Those who generally dwell in the light take time to ho-nor the creatures of the dark. It’s truly the most wonderful time of the year! 🙂

For this entire month, we’ll be handing out both tricks and treats to all you wonderful freaks! We’re painting the town black-and-orange with some of the scariest, creepiest things that go bump in the night! So clap for the Wolfman and whistle past the graveyard, ’cause it’s Halloween Time, Kinky Ho-mies!! 🙂 xoxoxo

Splatterday Mourning Cartoon: The Addams Family – N.J. Addams

Ho-wdy, Kinky Kreeps!

It’s a bootiful #SplatterdayMourning, so Spring out of bed, ’cause it’s toon time! 🙂

Today is October Eve, so who better to spend this creepy-crawly day with than the family that lives Halloween 24/7, The Addams Family!
The Addams clan are certainly no strangers to cartoons, having been  (re)animated many, many times throughout the fears years. Their first cartoon series was in 1972, and they appeared on The New Scooby Doo Movies around that same slime time. They’ve been in cartoon commercials and were rumored to be starring in a full-length stop-motion film by Tim Burton, so The Addamses have a lot of animated awesomeness to their name. As great as all of those Addams Family terror-vision toons are, my personal favorite is the 1992 series, the spine-tingling subject of this #Splatterday!

Oh, howl I LOOOOOOVVE this series! First airing in 1992 and ending in 1993, this incarnation of The Addams Family was made in the swingin’ wake of the 1991 film. What was spooky-cool about this series is that they got the OG Gomez, Mr. John Astin, to once again play the freaky father! How GHOUL is that? Plus, the humor is surprisingly witty and very Addams. For a tie-in, it was pretty groovy!

It used to air on Cartoon Network and later became a staple of Boomerang’s Halloween line-up. If you saw this ‘toon on in the last few years, you knew that the Headless Horseman would be making his yearly ride very soon. To me, this cartoon is the perfect way to usher in the Halloween season and skull-ebrate the triumphant return of October. 🙂
Happy Almost October, Ho-rror Ho-mies!! Enjoy the #Splatterday spoopiness! 🙂 xoxo

News Bleed: The “Hocus Pocus and Scully” Edition

This trailer for It Came from the Desert mixes retro PSAs with awesome giant ant action and I am all about it! 🙂 Bloody Disgusting

Saturday Night Live’s David S. Pumpkins gets animated for Halloween! 🙂 Deadline

Stephen King teases new adaptations of The Stand and Salem’s Lot. 🙂 CBR

Scream, the spooky-cool new Michael Jackson album, is out today with a new augmented reality experience. 🙂 Variety

Get your first look at the new season of X-Files! 🙂 Entertainment Weekly

Hocus Pocus is being remade for the Disney Channel. 🙂 Los Angeles Times

Movie Review: Jeepers Creepers 3

(Full length review submitted by Mr. Anton Phibes…Thanks, Ho-rror Ho-mie. I wasn’t gonna touch this one!! 😉 xoxo)

It’s quite difficult to discuss Jeepers Creepers 3 without mentioning director Victor Salva’s sordid past in some capacity. His actions have divided horror fans and cast a grim shadow on the popular franchise. However, For this review, I will separate the art from the artist. In no way do I condone Salva’s crime, but my opinion will be based solely on the film itself and not on its director. So, when divorced from its creator, is this film any good?

No. Not at all.

Jeepers Creepers 3 takes place after the final moments of the first film.  Brandon Smith reprises the role of Sgt. Tubbs, who joins forces with Sheriff Tashtego  (Stan Shaw) to hunt The Creeper (Jonathan Breck), a winged creature who feeds on human flesh every 23rd day of every 23rd Spring. The two cops eventually team up with Gaylen Brandon (Meg Foster), a half-mad woman who has a history with the creature. Will they succeed in killing the beast or will he feed again in another 23 years? Considering the recent talk of a potential fourth installment, I think you can guess the answer.

Stripped of its controversy, Jeepers Creepers 3 has very little to offer, save for a few unintentional chuckles.  There’s nothing clever, intriguing, frightening, or even weird about it. I’m generally not the kind to be overly critical of a creature feature, but there’s just nothing here. I wasn’t a huge fan of previous entries, but they weren’t quite this bad. And not a fun sort of bad, either. Jeepers Creepers 3 is awful in the most ordinary way. It borrows ideas and frights from other scare fare, but without any life or joy. It’s rare for me not to enjoy a monster-on-the-loose picture, but I’m afraid that this film wasn’t all that frightful.

If you’ve seen the other two films, this one offers nothing fresh or interesting. It teases an origin we never get to see and turns The Creeper’s truck into a Mario Kart-like abomination, but that’s about every new element it has to offer. Imagine a SyFy Channel reboot of the franchise and you’ll have a decent idea of what this film is like. There were a couple of shots I thought were wonderfully moody, but that’s hardly enough to recommend an entire movie. Even the acting, with the exceptional of the great Meg Foster, is blandly poor. Almost everything about this film is uninspired.

The Creeper, once a fairly intimidating force of supernatural evil, is played in a ridiculous manner that suggests camp, but feels out of place in a film that is otherwise pretty straight. Now, I don’t mind a cheeky monster, but it simply doesn’t work here. Even in his first big scene in the film, The Creeper kills all potential menace he might of had by literally wagging a finger at a victim. Apparently, The Creeper enjoys Twilight Zone: The Movie….

If you’re a die-hard fan of this franchise, you may get some amusement out of this film. There are those who’ve been clamoring for this film for over decade now. I’m not one of them, I sincerely hope that this film lives up to their expectations. But for those simply looking for a good monster movie about a man-eating creature that comes every 20-plus years, I suggest you see IT.  Heck, see IT again, if you’ve already seen it. You’ll probably get more out of a repeat viewing of that film than single viewing of this forgettable fright flick.

Goon Review: Missing in Action (1984)

(Submitted by Mr. Andrew Peters…Thanks, ya Goon-ie!! 😉 xoxo)

Chuck Norris, perhaps the genesis of what we now know as the meme, was the epitome of “man” in the rah-rah-America, chest thumping, gun shooting, shit ‘sploding, kick-a-man bad ass. He was the kind of man that if you shot him, he would clench up his butt cheeks and fart that bullet right out. Cannon Films recognized this popularity and exclusively signed Chuck to a multi-picture deal, thus bringing us some of the action movie staples that we grew up on in the ‘80s, war movies to be specific. The early ‘80s was a prime time to make Vietnam movies, seeing as how the war was still fresh in our minds, you could shoot them cheap and audiences would flock to them.

If there is one thing Golan and Globus knew how to do better than anyone, it was how to market their film to anyone. The men get plenty of explosions and the women get a number of scenes of Chuck Norris removing his shirt to reveal his ripped, hairy chest for no reason and wearing jeans so tight that any hipster would be envious. There was also a little something for the ladies; to see the sweat glisten off his chest on the hot Vietnam moonlit night, right before he roundhouse kicked a man out a window was worth the price of admission alone. These films from Cannon tended to be (as I heard them best called) B-movies on A-budgets.

Before we get started, Missing in Action and Missing in Action 2 were filmed back to back and Missing in Action is actually the second film in the franchise, believe it or not. However, Cannon felt that Missing in Action 2 was the stronger of the two movies and was released to theaters before the first film, so Missing in Action became a prequel, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning and Missing in Action 2 became Missing in Action. I probably over complicated that explanation, but this is the earliest example of something like this happening that I can think of. Oddly enough, the film very much mirrors the plot of Rambo: First Blood Part II, but Missing in Action was released one year prior. Is this where the idea for the plot of Rambo came from or is it just a coincidence?

Perhaps one of if not his most memorable role, Chuck Norris is Col. James Braddock; a Vietnam veteran who is being disgraced on national television because of his conspiracy theories about Vietnamese POW camps that still contain American prisoners. Braddock stares out of his window deep in thought, chugging an ice cold Bud while totally shirtless, watching the news as they argue whether or not there are American POWs still in Vietnam. Occasionally, he flips the channels to catch Spider-Man cartoons and I seriously thought the film was suddenly becoming a bad bootleg of it, because the shot just meanders for minutes on an episode. There may not seem like there was a purpose for this, but at the time Cannon Films was trying to get their Spider-Man flick off the ground that director Joseph Zito was attached to direct at one point and seeing as how he directed Missing in Action, it seemed like a fun connection.

Braddock comes out of hiding and heads to Vietnam to get some face time with the press and although the Vietnamese government has “witnesses” that claim there are no POWs, he knows otherwise. With the aid of a female reporter whose name escapes me because she matters so little, he uses her as a cover (under the covers) to sneak about a general’s compound to squeeze out some information from General Tran, who you might recognize as Cassandra’s father from Wayne’s World 2. After scaring the shit out of the guy, General Tran coughs up some info on the whereabouts of the prisoners, Chuck escapes a bunch of guards and says goodbye to his female reporter friend and so do we, because she’s not seen or heard from again. I’m certain her only purpose as basically the only female in the movie with a speaking role was to provide some really good side-boob. There are other women in the film, but they are pretty much just topless set pieces. Like I said, Golan and Globus knew how to exploit anything.

His journey continues further into Vietnam, thwarting scumbags that are out to stop him, usually by roundhouse kicking them into or out of things, like windows, walls, you name it. Braddock teams up with an old army buddy, Jack Tucker (M. Emmet Walsh) to help him get what he needs… firepower. And poon, if he wanted, but Braddock ain’t got no time for the pussy. Tuck, on the other hand, practically buries himself in it. Can’t say I blame the man, seeing as he’s afraid to go back into the warzone, but if I him I would be far more concerned with amount of STDs he’s probably contracted. You could wring out his underwear into a beaker and create a new virus.

The two buddies head down river in a sweet, kevlar coated pontoon boat mounted with an M-60 machine gun to continue their search. Needless to say, it’s not going to be easy, especially when there are too many bad guys for Chuck to karate chop or roundhouse kick. Good thing he brought and arsenal with him. After all, you want to see shit get blown up real good, don’t you. The film is odd when it comes to this. The action is either kind of lacking a punch, for lack of a pun, or it is way over the top. For example, when Braddock props a grenade on his jeep, so when the enemy jeep rams it, it explodes. It looks like someone threw a handful of dirt at the thing as people jumped away in all directions. But then you have moments where a camp explodes and Joseph Zito captures it from like four different angles and you watch it from every single one as this things erupts into a giant fireball. Most of the gunfire is reduced to Chuck just spraying a machine gun in all directions as guys fall over, so nothing to comment on that, other than it’s usually to get the body count up. It’s as if they sunk all of their money into a few action scenes and forgot that there were more. Chuck can’t karate kick his way out of all of them!

Saying that Missing in Action is a product of its era is an understatement. It very much spoke to an early ‘80s, post Vietnam when there was a strong sense of American pride, bitter from losing a controversial war. Much like Rambo: First Blood Part II, audiences were given a disgraced war hero given a chance at redemption, so he plunges into the depths of his formal Hell to rescue some POWs. Needless to say, Rambo is much better looking and better made film, but it also had about $42 million dollars more to spend. Given for what it is, Missing in Action is a pretty decent action flick that gives you exactly what you want; a brooding hero with a vendetta and a mission and nothing is going to stop him. The film isn’t necessarily non-stop action, taking breathers occasionally to develop plot, but when it does that the scene usually ends with a group of bad guys bursting into the room to either get drop kicked or blown away. Both are done well and you totally buy Chuck as war hero Braddock, but the film isn’t the best display of what a leading man Chuck Norris can be, as he doesn’t have a massive amount of dialogue and his fight scenes are usually over quick and he’s often paired with people that know how to fight back or take a licking.

Not taking anything away from the film, because it’s an absolute blast and with or without nostalgia, it’s a prime example of ‘80s action exploitation films, but I don’t believe it holds up as well as most of us remember. Sure, Chuck Norris is bad ass as Braddock, there’s plenty of shootouts and explosions, American pride for sale and what not, but it feels a bit like Rambo-lite. Again, not taking anything away from the film and certainly not the performances, because these characters are fun as hell, but it’s not as grand as I recall. That’s a side effect with most Cannon movies, seeing as they were made cheap and on the fly. Of course being younger when we first viewed these, they are going to seem much larger than life, but thirty years later, you can definitely see the weaknesses of them. However, that doesn’t affect the long lasting staying power of these movies and that’s what Cannon (unintentionally?) did; made fun as hell flicks that get some mileage and Missing in Action is a ton of fun.

#TBT: The “Freddy Phones It In” Edition

Grab your crucifix, kiddies… it’s #ThrowbackThursday!

This week, we’re hanging on telephone and dreaming a dream of Freddy Krueger!
Back in the day, Ol’ Pizzaface had his own telephone hotline (1-900-860-4-Fred; 1-900-909-Fred) where the Dream Weaver himself would tell nightmarish stories to keep you up at night!

But it did cost 2 dollars the first minute and 45 cents for each additional minute…
Howl-ever, thanks to the magic of the internet, we’ve got 44 minutes of free, unfiltered Freddy goodness that’ll have screaming like this…
Think of it like a bunch of one minute audio Tales from the Crypt or, more appropriately, Freddy’s Nightmares. This macabre morsels of frightening Freddy fables are the perfect thing to get you pumped for the upcoming Halloween season… so, get ready for Freddy and click on the boXXX below:

Happy Thursday, Kreeps! 🙂

#TerrorTrailerTuesday: The “Godzilla Steals The Showa” Edition

Ho-wdy, Goji Ho-mies!

Spawned in the ocean’s depths… it stalks the earth! Belching fire that blasts mighty cities into oblivion! A gory Goliath that lives to kill …kills to live! Diabolical Demon of Destruction… Mightiest Monster of them all… it’s Godzilla, the King of #TerrorTrailerTuesday!

This week, we’ve awoken the awesomely atomic power of the Showa Godzilla! Every single citywide rampage and monster beatdown from 1954 to 1975 is represented in this menacing menagerie of monstrous monstrosities! Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, King Ghidorah, and the rest of your city-chomping buddies lurk in the trailers below! Get ready for some monster madness, ’cause Godzilla is on the attack!

Check out the trailers below, Kreeps:

Happy #TerrorTrailerTuesday, Ho-rror Ho-mies! xoxo

News Bleed: The “Thank You, Bernie and Suzan” Edition

Float on! IT is the highest-grossing ho-rror film of all time! Variety

Underworld is heading to TV. 🙂 Deadline

Spongebob gets spoopy this Halloween! 🙂 Entertainment Weekly

Kyle “Twin Peaks” Maclachlan joins Eli Roth’s The House With a Clock in Its Walls! Bloody Disgusting

The great Bernie Casey has passed away. 🙁 Washington Post

Hammer Horror star Suzan Farmer has also passed away. 🙁

Splatterday Mourning Cartoon: Godzilla – The Firebird

Ho-wdy, Kaiju Krazies!

It’s Splatterday Mourning Cartoon Time (more or less ;)) and we’re unleashing the awesome power of…

and Godzooky…

Yesiree Blob! Our ‘toon today is a monster-bashin’ of the Hanna-Babera Godzilla cartoon!

Okay, so this series was a tick goofy, but that makes it all the better for a Splatterday Mourning ‘toon! It’s basically Scooby-Doo with a whole lotta monster fights and Ted “Lurch” Cassidy as the King of the Monsters! If that alone doesn’t make you want to tune in while eating Boo Berry and wearing yer fancy duds…

…then all ho-pe for humanity truly is lost. 😉

And if you’re one of those people who thinks Hanna-Barbera “ruined” this cartoon by adding Godzooky (basically a reptilian Scrappy-Doo…SO NOT A BAD THING!!!! ;)), just remember…

Toho did it first.

Hear the roar of the mighty Godzilla below:

Happy #Splatterday, Kinky Ho-mies! 🙂 xoxo