Today’s Flashback Fare concerns one Mr. Vincent. Freakin’. Price.
There’s no ghoul in history that gives us those Tingler tingles like Mr. Vincent Price! I mean, he’s one of the indisputable Gods of Ho-rror! The Merchant of Menace! The King of the Grand Guignol! The man’s a legit legend! You could always tell he was having the time of his life… even when it ended… again and again and again! On the Silver Scream, Mr. Price frequently enjoyed one of the finer things in life… dying.
Most people only do it once, but Mr. Price made a living off of it! You think Sean Bean bit his fair share of dust? Ha! He’s but a rank amateur compared to Ol’ Vinnie! Bean’s only danced with the Reaper a mere 25 times… Vincent Price has kicked the bucket (of blood) 32 times! And we’re not even counting his Terror-Vision appearances! He’s been drowned, burnt, poisoned, dissolved by acid, and others far too ho-rrible to name here. But, like any great monster, he just came back for the next fright tale! I wouldn’t be shocked if he rose from his real-life grave to start promote the Sears Art Collection!
To show you how to live your death to the fullest… here are… The Many Deaths of Vincent Price!
Velcome, Kinky Kreeps!Today’s abominable animation is a FOWL terror tale that dares to reinvent to of Ho-rror’s most ghastly figures… as ducks!
That’s F-right, my monstrous minions… we summon the dread Count Duckulato terrorize y’all’s neighborhood! And he’s brought with him a creep that swung from the chandelier long before another veiled musician made it cool… The Phantom of the Opera!
Well, a more finely feathered version, that is.
We here at Kinky Horror just love a good monster mash! There’s just someTHING eXXXciting about two (or more) icons of the macabre sharing the scream-screen together. Curiously though, this one of the very few times The Phantom and Drac have crossed paths. I mean, it’s a pairing that’s to DIE for! Both are cape-wearing, urbane creatures of the night with a tendency to sleep in coffins. And both are evil geniuses, so it would be a spectacular battle of the minds! Having two of fiction’s darkest gentlemen go face-to-mask would be a SCREAM!
Howl-ever, since there’s no true film crossover, we’ll gladly take this duck-based version!
The webbed-foot Phantom in this terror toon is a Frankenstein of a few different versions of the masked menace. His mask resembles that of Claude Rains and his association diminutive lackey brings to the Hammer Ho-rror interpretation. There’s also a fair bit of Chaney in the the way he’s presented. And like all Phantoms, he really knows how bring DOWN the house… if you know what I mean. For some Famous Monsters of Duckland, click on the BoXXX below:
It’s another spooktacular splatterday mourning, so let’s get our cartoon on!
Today’s abominable animation is cartoon creeper with perhaps best tit-le known to man or monster: Rick Moranis in Gravedale High!
Okay, so most of you probably know it as just Gravedale High, but the official tit-le card says Rick Moranis in…, so I ain’t gonna drop it! After all, he was the star of the show… and my heart. <3
In addition to being an animated vehicle for the tit-ular seXXXiest man alive and his mighty voice, Rick Moranis in Gravedale High put classic creeps in high school long before Monster High made freaky fabulous. It had it all… vampires, mummies, invisible men, werewolves, gill-men, and every other freaky thang that makes us shriek for joy! If Archie and Famous Monsters of Filmland had a baby, this would be it!
The show only lasted for 13 episodes (how unlucky! ;)), but it’s still a scream for monster lovers and fans of Master Rick Moranis. If monsters and Seymour aren’t enough for ya, you’re beyond help, freaky fiend!! 😉
(Submitted by our Goon Reviewer, Mr. Andrew Peters…Thanks, Ho-rror Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)
Well, the future didn’t quite turn out the way the ‘90s thought it would, did it? Computers, as advanced as they are, can’t quite do everything we thought they would do, especially make a computer virus biological and giving the host the ability to shoot it out of their eyes. Kinda missed the mark on that one just a bit. Black leather jackets with random pieces of plastic armor stapled to them didn’t quite become the fashion trend we expected them to, nor did using way too much hair gel and spiking it in random directions. You know what else didn’t work out? The cynical, snarky attitude of these movies that seemed to scream, “fuck you, grandpa! You’re too old and slow and we’re hip!” I don’t really know where I’m going with this and my segway isn’t really going to work the way I thought it was going to, but I think regardless of how bad these movies got, we always remembered them; Hackers, The Lawnmower Man, The Net, or any movie that featured someone frantically typing a keyboard spouting nonsense, really… I could go on.
And then there are the films we have forgotten, until you see them and then you wish you could forget all about them. Movies like Game Over, aka Maximum Surge and Cyberjack, aka Virtual Assassin (I can never tell which is more stupid’ the actual title or the alternate title), the latter of which I recently picked up at a pawn shop for sixty cents and no matter how many times I stick a fork in the light socket, I can’t short circuit my brain and burn the memory of this movie out of my head. I don’t know how else to explain how generically stupid it is, but this is one of those instances where that makes it more enjoyable. How else to explain it? Well the film is pretty much Die Hard mixed with every bad ‘90s cyberpunk movie, complete with bad wardrobes and goofy techno-babble and there isn’t really anything to comment on without making fun of it since it’s wildly ridiculous… so let’s just do that, shall we?
Michael Dudikoff, who must have been taking a break from “starring” in all those American Ninja movies, stars as ex-cop turned janitor, Nick James. Oddly enough, at no point does he shout at anyone, “I’m Nick James, bitch!” Can we pause for a second and ask the real question at matter here; does anything really star Michael Dudikoff? I mean, sure the guy kinda knows martial arts, but let’s face it… he’s kind of a weenie, with his prepubescent teen voice and his, erm, beautiful head of hair. Alright, so the guy may not quite be at the level of B-movies, but I would say at least C to higher grade of Z-movies.
Anyway, he’s the janitor at this high tech, super lab place that makes all kinds of techy, computery things. You know, the kind that doesn’t matter, because even for made up mumbo-jumbo it’s total bullshit. It’s here that a scientist, Dr. Royce and his way too hot daughter, Alex (Suki Kaiser), are developing some kind of a computer virus that is becoming too intelligent (I think, seeing as it’s kind of unclear) and is the first virus that can also become biological that will give the host supercomputer powers, I guess since it’s heavily foreshadowed that’s what will happen later. This calls the attention of an elite hacker terrorist group led by Brion James who sports a black leather jacket with shoulder pads that only could have existed in the ‘90s and created by Rob Liefeld and hair styled after Dragon Ball Z’s Gogeta. He and his goons storm the place and take it over, threatening to execute everyone inside if they don’t get control of the virus. But there is one slight oversight to their plan… their roster of employees fortunately doesn’t include the janitorial staff, which seems to only compose of one man. And that man is none other than Nick James, who is almost immediately discovered and shot in the arm, but luckily he’s a tough guy in a ‘90s action movie, so he just walks that shit off. He kinda just hides in a vent for a while and watches as some of the hostages get wasted and Alex’s father gets shot dead for trying to shutdown the virus. Come to think of it, he’s kind of a lousy hero.
He eventually does come out of hiding, take out some of the terrorists using gimmicks like a hologram where he uses multiple images of himself to outsmart a goon and sock him right in the nose. It’s a scene that tries to make the hologram scene from Total Recall more artsy, like 2001 with strobing lights that follow people running down a hallway. It actually makes the action scene a little confusing. Anyway, Nick finally gets a gun and mows down the stereotyped thugs, including the black guy who speaks with a Rastafarian accent, because his trait is that he’s the black guy. There’s also the wildman with bleach blonde hair named Numb who is constantly cackling madly to himself and intently staring at people and saying off putting, creepy things in an attempt to be, well, creepy, but he’s more annoying and I wish I could repeatedly kick him in the nuts until he’s crying so hard that he can no longer cry and make noise. He could not exit the movie fast enough. But that’s just me.
Finally, they break through the firewalls, hack the mainframe and Brion James hooks himself into the computer and uploads the virus into himself and, boy, do I feel stupid for writing all of that out. Brion James can now shoot green computer energy from his eyes and hack into things, like SWAT team members that are apparently androids and has them attack the police so he can make his escape. However, he didn’t count on the resilience and martial arts training of a computer engineering conglomerate’s janitorial custodian! The final confrontation is extremely flaccid. It’s like sex lasting only a few seconds and you’re like, “oh, that’s it?” But, you’re happy it’s just over. That’s this movie.
I did skip a few things, like how Brion James is the one who caused Nick to lose his job as a police officer, but once you see how lousy he was at his job, I would say that it was overdue or he was gonna be on his way out the door sooner or later. There’s also a subplot that involves a sportsball team (they never say which sport, but I would guess that it’s baseball) and Nick and Alex constantly make jokes about how their outfield sucks or whether or not this team won the big game, but it’s just trappings. Nick has also lost a lot of money betting on this team and owes some mobster a ton of money who eventually comes after him, but Nick runs away and then it’s dropped faster than Cannon Film’s Masters of the Universe 2. I think it was just a way to show off their pointless technology, like the CRT videophone.
You know what? Let’s talk about the technology for a second. In these type of movies, there is this needlessness to overly complicate something that is already fine and simple. Take for instance a security card you scan through a reader on a door. You swipe it, the reader accepts it, the door unlocks and you go through it. Simple and effective. Toward the beginning when Nick goes to work, he swipes his card and then a monitor in front of him has to display his own photo and personal information – which I’m sure he’s more than well aware enough of – and then it has to read it back to him. Why? Because, computers! And technology! Look at how advanced it is! Isn’t that more impressive than just swiping a goddamn card? It does give Michael Dudikoff the opportunity to throw out a one liner. Here’s a spoiler; it sucks.
First of all, how the hell did this movie cost two million dollars? I don’t even see half of that on screen, which is something that seems to be a staple of these movies; over expensive that doesn’t perform at the box office or goes straight to video and is almost immediately forgotten about. I mean, this is a film that doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry nor are there any reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. It seems that the whole world doesn’t know about this movie, so allow me to be one of the few to introduce you to this direct to video dreck. Sure, the plot is nothing more than a rip-off of one of the greatest action movies of all time, but the aesthetic of putting it in an overly complicated and silly cyberpunk world makes it fun simply for the aesthetic. And its overall badness.
Ho-wdy, Toys and Ghouls! Annabelle: Creation is creepy-crawling into theaters this week, eXXXpanding the Conjuring universe in terrifying fashion. While you’ll have to wait for next Shriek-end to read our thoughts on the film, we’re getting all dolled up for ya now with the most putrid playthings committed to film! What can we say… all dolls are freaky as all heck! If film has taught us anything (which it has), it’s that every single one of those creepy little bastards is possessed by the Devil and/or a serial killer! When they’re not trying to make you look insane to your loved ones or attempting to kill Catherine Hicks, they’re just sitting there… wordless… plotting their neXXXt misdeed. I tell ya kreeps, those monstrous mannequins are going to make dummies of us all!
It’s playtime… check out the #TerrorTuesday trailerage below:
As you Kinky Kreeps probably know, there is nothing in this world that we love more than a cl-Ass-Sick monster hawking their wares to us humans. Whether it’s The Phantom of the Opera promoting condoms (to be covered later) or Dracula pimping tomato sauce (ditto), we just can’t get enough of SpokesMonsters! While there have been many great monsters of advertising, we think Godzilla may be the King of the SpokesMonsters! Yessir, Big G has been A LOT of commercials, but we’re particularly fond of the campaign he did for Dr. Pepper in the ’80s! For some monstrous background, here’s a 1985 write-up from The Los Angeles Times:
Dr Pepper Bubbles Up To Godzilla
Here’s an introduction that could only be made in Hollywood, even though the subjects are from Tokyo and Dallas:
Godzilla, meet Dr Pepper.
Starting next week, the monster and the soft drink (now there’s a title) will be paired in the launching of a $10-million advertising campaign leading up to the Aug. 23 release of “Godzilla 1985,” a Japanese-made, American-modified horror film in which Dr Pepper will make a cameo appearance.
“This is the perfect marriage of product placement and promotion,” says Rusty Citron, director of national promotion and merchandising for New World Pictures. “We think everyone’s going to have a lot of fun with it.”
“Godzilla 1985” marks the comeback of Godzilla, the prehistoric monster who rose from the fallout of nuclear blasts to crush cities in a series of clumsy Japanese movies made in the ’50s and ’60s. It also brings back bulky Steven Martin (Raymond Burr), the American reporter whose scenes were shot in Hollywood and inserted in the 1956 “Godzilla, King of the Monsters.”
New World, which picked up “Godzilla 1985” from Toho Film, repeated the post-production gimmick, getting Burr to reprise his role in a two-day shooting at Hollywood’s Raleigh Studios, on the same set where (is nothing sacred?) “Citizen Kane” was filmed.
Those scenes, set in the Pentagon, will also include a Dr Pepper vending machine and cans of the product being consumed by the cast.
“It is done in the same good taste that Diet Pepsi did in ‘Back to the Future,’ ” Citron says, with an almost straight face.
Actually, Dr Pepper had already negotiated the use of Godzilla for a fall campaign when New World decided to pick the film up for U.S. theatrical distribution and video sales. TV commercials have already appeared linking Godzilla with Dr Pepper.
When Citron learned of the soft drink tie-in from Toho, he rushed to Dallas and offered to put the product in the movie for a piggyback ride on its ad campaign.
Citron says Dr Pepper approved the deal in three hours and starting next week copy promoting the movie will be included in all Dr Pepper/Godzilla spots on TV and radio.
Godzilla, the unfriendly Pepper, is going to be hard to ignore. Besides Dr Pepper’s $10-million campaign, New World will be spending $3 million to $4 million of its own money.
There’s even an MTV video on its way, featuring the love theme from “Godzilla 1985”: “I Was Afraid to Love You.”
Who would have believed fallout would be this much fun?
We don’t care for author’s haughty attitude towards Godzilla, but the information solid. As stated in the article, a Dr. Pepper machine appeared in the background of Godzilla 1985…
…Big G appeared in a few Dr. Pepper commercials…
…and both appeared in a music video for I Was Afraid to Love You.
Now, that’s some delicious product placement!
I don’t know about you Kreepsters, but I could really go for a Dr. Pepper right about now… 😉
Since Ol’ Mr. Goony Goon just gave ya an ’80s comedy ho-wler, I thought I’d CREEP the theme going with My Mom’s a Werewolf, a 1989 lycanthrope laugh lark… starring Susan Blakely, Diana “Jason’s 60th Victim” Burrows, and John Saxon!
My Mom’s a Werewolf tells the tales of a housewife (Susan Blakely) who is bitten on the toe by a werewolf (John Saxon), thus beginning her transformation into a monster.
Guest Director: Quentin Tarantino
Once she discovers her condition she tries to conceal her secret from her husband and daughter… with hilarious(?) results. When her secret is revealed, the woman’s daughter and her ho-rror-obsessed friend must find a cure… before it’s too late. Ok, so this film is not good, but it’s a watchable kind of “not good”. John Saxon is a credible-enough werewolf and most of the cast is fun. The whole affair is aglow with the neon brilliance of the 1980s and loaded with some eXXXcellent Ho-rror references. Keep an eye out for Forrest J. Ackerman at a Ho-rror convention.
Personally, I think think this goofy little film is… Check out the ’80s were-madness below:
Ho-wdy, Fright Fiends! SDCC got in the way of my usual #SplatterdayMourning posting, but there’s no way I’d leave you without a creepy cartoon for your wicked weekend viewing pleasure. So without further ado, I presenteth thee with KH’s very first Carnivorous Cartoon Calvacade. (#GoWithIt… ;))
We’ve got another animated atrocity to thrill you, chill you, and fulfill you! This time, we’re takin’ a scenic walk through the crypt with our favorite Master of Scar-emonies… The Cryptkeeper!
Ghoul-d Ol’ Crypty has done just about everything a creep can SCREAM of… he started with some of the influential fright comics of all SLIME, appeared in movies, had a hit Terrorvision show, made appearances at amusement parks, has had his seXXXy mug plastered on everything known to monsterkind, and even had two records! Of CORPSE, all of that isn’t enough for big shot like Ol’ Crypty. Having scared the pants off of every adult in A-SCARE-ica, The Cryptkeeper intended to do the same to all the little boils and ghouls. Yes, fright friend, Crypty had his own Splatterday Mourning Cartoon… Tales from the Cryptkeeper! Tales from the Cryptkeeper was essentially a friendly, cleaner version of the HBO show. Howl-ever, that just doesn’t mean this show doesn’t have its fare share of ghouls, ghosts, and goons. For a KILL-dren’s show. there’s still plenty o’ ho-rror to be had! Our tale from the crypt is bloodsucker entitled Fare Tonight. It’s a twisted tale of two girls who dare ask this biting question: Will the Real Vampire Please Stand Up? For all you night “people” out there, here’s Fare Tonight: