Badges & Boobs: The Law Enforcement Edition, Part 1

(Submitted by our beloved Smutmaster General, Eric…Thank you, Kinky Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

Featuring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Julia Ann, Rocco Reed & Frances McDormand

Blue Steel (1990)

A female rookie in the police force engages in a cat and mouse game with a pistol wielding psychopath who becomes obsessed with her.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Fuck! (2010)

Julia’s son is brought home by the police again. In an attempt to placate the police officer, Julia offers him a couple of big tits to investigate.

Fargo (1996)

Jerry Lundegaard’s inept crime falls apart due to his and his henchmen’s bungling and the persistent police work of the pregnant Marge Gunderson.


Bonus:

Gold Hat (Alfonso Bedoya) in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

Ho-stess’s #TBT PS- Little Known Fact: I’m former FBI. ;.) xoxo

#TBT: The “King of the Monsters vs. King of Beverages” Edition

Ho-wdy, Kaiju Krazies!

As you Kinky Kreeps probably know, there is nothing in this world that we love more than a cl-Ass-Sick monster hawking their wares to us humans. Whether it’s The Phantom of the Opera promoting condoms (to be covered later) or Dracula pimping tomato sauce (ditto), we just can’t get enough of SpokesMonsters! While there have been many great monsters of advertising, we think Godzilla may be the King of the SpokesMonsters!
Yessir, Big G has been A LOT of commercials, but we’re particularly fond of the campaign he did for Dr. Pepper in the ’80s! For some monstrous background, here’s a 1985 write-up from The Los Angeles Times:

Dr Pepper Bubbles Up To Godzilla

Here’s an introduction that could only be made in Hollywood, even though the subjects are from Tokyo and Dallas:

Godzilla, meet Dr Pepper.

Starting next week, the monster and the soft drink (now there’s a title) will be paired in the launching of a $10-million advertising campaign leading up to the Aug. 23 release of “Godzilla 1985,” a Japanese-made, American-modified horror film in which Dr Pepper will make a cameo appearance.

“This is the perfect marriage of product placement and promotion,” says Rusty Citron, director of national promotion and merchandising for New World Pictures. “We think everyone’s going to have a lot of fun with it.”

“Godzilla 1985” marks the comeback of Godzilla, the prehistoric monster who rose from the fallout of nuclear blasts to crush cities in a series of clumsy Japanese movies made in the ’50s and ’60s. It also brings back bulky Steven Martin (Raymond Burr), the American reporter whose scenes were shot in Hollywood and inserted in the 1956 “Godzilla, King of the Monsters.”

New World, which picked up “Godzilla 1985” from Toho Film, repeated the post-production gimmick, getting Burr to reprise his role in a two-day shooting at Hollywood’s Raleigh Studios, on the same set where (is nothing sacred?) “Citizen Kane” was filmed.

Those scenes, set in the Pentagon, will also include a Dr Pepper vending machine and cans of the product being consumed by the cast.

“It is done in the same good taste that Diet Pepsi did in ‘Back to the Future,’ ” Citron says, with an almost straight face.

Actually, Dr Pepper had already negotiated the use of Godzilla for a fall campaign when New World decided to pick the film up for U.S. theatrical distribution and video sales. TV commercials have already appeared linking Godzilla with Dr Pepper.

When Citron learned of the soft drink tie-in from Toho, he rushed to Dallas and offered to put the product in the movie for a piggyback ride on its ad campaign.

Citron says Dr Pepper approved the deal in three hours and starting next week copy promoting the movie will be included in all Dr Pepper/Godzilla spots on TV and radio.

Godzilla, the unfriendly Pepper, is going to be hard to ignore. Besides Dr Pepper’s $10-million campaign, New World will be spending $3 million to $4 million of its own money.

There’s even an MTV video on its way, featuring the love theme from “Godzilla 1985”: “I Was Afraid to Love You.”

Who would have believed fallout would be this much fun?

We don’t care for author’s haughty attitude towards Godzilla, but the information solid. As stated in the article, a Dr. Pepper machine appeared in the background of Godzilla 1985…

…Big G appeared in a few Dr. Pepper commercials…

…and both appeared in a music video for I Was Afraid to Love You.

Now, that’s some delicious product placement!

I don’t know about you Kreepsters, but I could really go for a Dr. Pepper right about now… 😉


Son of #WerewolfWednesday: Teen Wolf Too (1987)

(And here’s Mr. Goony Goon, aka Andrew Peters, with the conclusion of our Wednesday Were-stravaganza…Thanks, Ho-rror Ho-mie, and enjoy the rest of your hump day, freaky folks! 🙂 xoxox)

All the teens were howling for more Teen Wolf, so alright you sons of bitches, you want more? You’re gonna get more and I’m not just talking about a Saturday morning cartoon that’s only gonna last one season, I’m talking about a sequel. Not just any sequel, but the worst kind of sequel. You know the ones where they couldn’t get the starring actor back because he hated it so much, so they just rewrite the character to fit into the script. Not the story, just the character and it doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not and if you think they are gonna do something different this time, you’re wrong. Dead wrong. Teen Wolf Too is nearly a literal carbon copy of the first film, but instead of Michael J. Fox in highschool, you get Jason Bateman in college and instead of basketball being the sport, it’s boxing. Bingo, bango, presto. Now you got a film without working too hard and it’s easy money.

That doesn’t mean it’s boring or terrible. It just means that you’ve seen it all before, beat for beat and this is the best example of a film that doesn’t need to exist. When you think about how lazy this film actually is, it’s practically a cinema sin. You know what? The more I think about it, yes, yes it is a terrible movie. I get the feeling this movie was made as a starring vehicle for Jason Bateman, seeing as how his father Kent Bateman is the producer of the film and probably thought it would be a safe choice for his son to star in a sequel to a popular comedy. Or maybe this is the silver bullet this franchise needs before it gets out of control.

Jason Bateman replaces Michael J. Fox’s character Scotty Howard as his cousin Todd Howard who is well aware of the family curse or secret or whatever you want to call it. Point is, he knows that people in his family can turn into werewolves, but since his parents can’t, it doesn’t look like Todd will either… or so he thinks. James Hampton returns to his role as Harold to drop him off at college, not because it really makes sense, but because the filmmakers need shoehorn in the cameo as a connection to the first film. Like, remember they’re werewolves? Harold drives around as a wolf and nobody really seems to care or be surprised and I’m guessing this is pretty much how the audience feels. The cameos don’t stop there, however. As luck would have it, he’s not only going to the school as these two cool dudes, but he also happens to be rooming with Chubbs and Stiles from the first film! What are the odds. Mark Holton returns to play the loveable eating machine Chubbs, but I barely recognized Stiles. Not only because he was recast for whatever reason, but also because he has one of the most hideous mullets this side of the ‘80s.

Turns out Stiles had pulled some strings to get Todd roomed with them, because once again he wants to exploit The Wolf, to which Todd tries to assure him that he doesn’t have it in him. The wolfness that runs in the Howard bloodline is what got Todd into such a prestigious school in the first place, seeing as how Dean Dunn also wants to exploit him for the werewolves naturally gifted sports ability and giving Todd a free ride via a sports scholarship. Immediately, the Dean is established as a snobbish, one dimensional cartoon spoof of the Dean from another teen comedy, like Animal House. I will say at least he’s giving more dialogue and interaction than the principal from the first Teen Wolf film. Todd reluctantly agrees to all this, but the poor guy just wants to take science classes and chat with the brainy, cute girl Nicki who instantly falls for him and pursues him even though he’s a total dick to her and later bails on her to have threeways with the popular chicks while alienating his friends. Sounding familiar? I actually don’t understand why Chubbs and Stiles are excited for Todd to become the wolf when they know what a selfish asshole it turned Scotty into.

During a boxing match when Todd is getting trampled, that’s when he finally transforms into the wolf and whoops some ass, but this should come as no surprise. I mean, Teen Wolf Too mimicks the first one pretty much beat for beat, so this should come as no surprise. However, with Scotty in the first film, his character at least alluded to being kind of an asshole and you saw how the wolf was creating a massive ego, but here it just happens. Like, zero to one hundred. Luckily the Dean is giving him a free ride and all his teachers are giving him passing grades, except for his science teacher, Ms. Brooks (played by Kim Darby who I’ve always had a strange attraction for), who also has a secret of her own, but there’s also this weird sexual tension between the two and you half expect it to turn into wolf porn. Gotta say, that would have made the film more original. Todd was all focused on science and shit with the help of his teacher and then once he’s the wolf, he’s a total dick and it’s such a whiplash. There’s no build up or progression, it just happens. The film also does a sudden shift in time, like, all of a sudden it’s the end of the year and he’s failed his science final. It feels rushed, but hey, movie’s almost over.

Once again, the performances are fine and Stiles is surprisingly less annoying this time around, even taking credit for Todd becoming such a jerk, although you don’t really see much of Stiles marketing the wolf. Jason Bateman was a fine replacement and felt more like a geek than Michael J. Fox did, but I think that was the point. Scotty was just so average that nobody noticed him, whereas Todd is much more of a nerd, so his wolf-ism was supposed to be more of a surprise, but again, the film doesn’t explore this. Once he’s the wolf, he’s driving fast cars, doinking the babes and really good at boxing. Another element coming out of nowhere is Todd confessing his love to the geeky girl toward the end. In fact, she mouths the words “I love you” to power him up for the final match with the jock dude, who again, has no character development and is just there for the hero to have a villain to fight. Once he becomes the wolf, she’s pretty much out of the movie until the end and yet she sticks by his side while he’s off getting STD’s and treating her like shit. Of course at the end, he’s allowed to redeem himself once he realizes he needs to be himself and not the wolf. Gee, didn’t see that coming.

The makeup design is the same, the sets are the same, the acting is the same… the goddamn story is the same. Teen Wolf Too doesn’t need to exist, nor do I think it’s worthy of a new high definition transfer, but Scream Factory went ahead and gave it one anyway. I’m guessing it was some kind of a package deal with the first film or maybe it’s for the small, small crowd that enjoys the film. Keeping in theme with repeating the first film, there are only a small amount of extra features included, although on this release all of the featurettes were separated into smaller bits rather than just one big documentary. Other than that, it’s just a still gallery and a trailer.

Having said everything I did, I actually prefer Teen Wolf Too over Teen Wolf, it’s just that it’s the same movie with a different lead, it makes it feel like a remake rather than a sequel. The humor doesn’t work at all, Todd isn’t a very likable lead and I don’t care about him. Or anyone else in the movie. I still can’t believe this spawned a cartoon and a remake TV show. Now I understand why the TV show has little do with the movies outside of the name. Teen Wolf is a franchise where I may never understand the popularity. I feel like once something somehow sneaks its way into pop-culture, there’s no questioning it. It’s there and you’re supposed to accept it. Or perhaps I’ve gotten too old.

Carnivorous Cartoon Cavalcade: Tales from the Cryptkeeper – Fare Tonight

Ho-wdy, Fright Fiends! SDCC got in the way of my usual #SplatterdayMourning posting, but there’s no way I’d leave you without a creepy cartoon for your wicked weekend viewing pleasure. So without further ado, I presenteth thee with KH’s very first Carnivorous Cartoon Calvacade. (#GoWithIt… ;))

We’ve got another animated atrocity to thrill you, chill you, and fulfill you! This time, we’re takin’ a scenic walk through the crypt with our favorite Master of Scar-emonies… The Cryptkeeper!

#Hotness

Ghoul-d Ol’ Crypty has done just about everything a creep can SCREAM of… he started with some of the influential fright comics of all SLIME, appeared in movies, had a hit Terrorvision show, made appearances at amusement parks, has had his seXXXy mug plastered on everything known to monsterkind, and even had two records! Of CORPSE, all of that isn’t enough for big shot like Ol’ Crypty. Having scared the pants off of every adult in A-SCARE-ica, The Cryptkeeper intended to do the same to all the little boils and ghouls. Yes, fright friend, Crypty had his own Splatterday Mourning Cartoon… Tales from the Cryptkeeper!
Tales from the Cryptkeeper was essentially a friendly, cleaner version of the HBO show. Howl-ever, that just doesn’t mean this show doesn’t have its fare share of ghouls, ghosts, and goons. For a KILL-dren’s show. there’s still plenty o’ ho-rror to be had!
Our tale from the crypt is bloodsucker entitled Fare Tonight. It’s a twisted tale of two girls who dare ask this biting question: Will the Real Vampire Please Stand Up?
For all you night “people” out there, here’s Fare Tonight:

Pleasant Nightmares!

Beach Party a Go-Go, Part 2

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Kinky Ho-mie! :))

Featuring: Ursula Andress, Nahanni Johnstone, Burt Lancaster, Deborah Kerr, Radioactive Waste, Robert Pine, Pamela Susan Shoop, Ants, Pierce Brosnan & Halle Berry.

Dr. No (1963)

Infested (2002)

From Here to Eternity (1953)

Empire of the Ants (1977)

Die Another Day (2002)

Ho-stess’s PS- This week’s #MonsterMaskMonday fits right in here, though it was less about the beach and more of a…Poo Party!! 😉 xoxo

 

 

#FBF: The “Evil of Romero” Edition

Ho-wdy, Undead-Heads!

As we said in Monday’s post, the zombie as we know it just wouldn’t eXXXist without the late, great George A. Romero. The influence of his Dead films can be felt in just about every form of zombie media, notably the ever-popular Resident Evil video game franchise.
We here at Kinky Ho-rror just adore the unholy heck out of out of the Resident Evil series… but who doesn’t?  The franchise has sold over 77 million units sold worldwide, produced countless pieces of merchandise, inspired theme park attraction, and inspired a series of Matrix remakes.

While the series eventually went for an action/adventure style, the first few games owe much to Master Romero. From the slow-moving flesh eaters to the claustrophobic setting of the first game, there’s no doubt that these games would not eXXXist without Romero’s mad genius.

In 1998, the series acknowledged the Romero influence by hiring the man himself to direct a live-action TV commercial for Resident Evil 2 (known as Biohazard 2 in Japan). The 30-second spot features a group of gruesome zombies raising hell at a jail and features game-accurate costumes. You can watch that bit o’ awesome below…

Though it only aired in Japan, the commercial inspired Sony to hire Romero to adapt the first game into a full-length feature. Unfortunately, the film eventually died, eventually morphing into Paul W.S. Anderson’s 2002 adaptation. However, it’s been said that the success of that film and the resurgence of zombies in pop culture allowed Romero to make 2004’s Land of the Dead.
As an added bit o’ Romero goodness, here’s The King of the Zombies talking about the commercial:

Hail King Romero!

Happy Birthday, The Devil Rides Out!

On this day in 1968, all Hell broke loose…

Happy Birthday to Hammer’s sensational Satanic SuspenStory, The Devil Rides Out!

Based on the Dennis Wheatley novel of the same name, The Devil Rides Out is an unusual entry in the Hammer canon. While still technically a period piece (set in 1929), it’s not the normal Victorian Gothic fare one associates with the studio. The classically cinematic monsters Hammer was so fond of are absent here, instead replaced with a far more flagitious form of evil: the Devil himself.
The Devil Rides Out represents the very best of British ho-rror cinema. Enveloped in supernatural terror and drenched in menace, the film is perhaps the most legitimately terrifying beast unleashed by Hammer Studios and director Terence Fisher. It moves at an incredibly brisk pace, each moment rich with exquisite horror. Hammer music maniac James Bernard provides a superbly thunderous score that ranks among his best.


The film also gives the inimitable Sir Christopher Lee the rare chance to play the hero, an opportunity taken to its full potential. As The Duc de Richleau, Sir Christopher is as suave and urbane as ever, playing the part like an occultist Sherlock Holmes. In a career of perfect performances, Lee’s work here is among his best. As his Satanic adversary, Charles “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” Gray gives a brilliantly silky portrayal of pure evil. Makes ya wish these two had another Hammer film to go at each other’s throats…

In ho-nor of this fright film favorite, here’s a clip from the film. I must issue a word of friendly warning: if you are arachnophobic, I strongly urge you NOT to watch this clip.

For the rest of you… Enjoy:

Happy Birthday, The Devil Rides Out!

#TerrorTrailerTime: Attack of the Giant Insects (and Arachnids)!

Ho-wdy,Human Ho-mies!
Wel-cum to another #TerrorTrailerTime! We’re really going to bug you this week…

For ya Kreepy Krawlers out there, we harvested some trailers for some of the most insidious insect invasions of the ’50s and ’60s! These freaky features represent some of the very best in monster movie madness! So, roll up a newspaper and be prepared… this day belongs to the insects!
Here they are… the horror-horde of crawl-and-crush giants you’ve been hearing about…THE TRAILERS!!!

As a bonus, here’s a special song about our insect conquerors…

#WerewolfWednesday: Werewolf of Washington (1973)

E Pluribus Lupus, Monster Mashers!

It’s another wild ‘n’ weird Werewolf Wednesday here at Kinky Ho-rror! For this week’s hairy ho-wler, we’re taking to the home of history’s most ho-rrifying monsters: Washington D.C.

Werewolf of Washington is today’s chiller-diller and, boy, is it some-THING! Part Monster Movie! Part Political Satire! All Terror!
The film stars Dean Stockwell, sans green hair. He plays White House Press Secretary Jack Whitter, a man cursed with lycanthropy…  Oh, boy.
This film probably isn’t going to give you nightmares, but I don’t think it’s really supposed to. It’s clear that this film was intended to be a commentary on the NiXXXon era. Can you imagine how-l much better All the President’s Men would be if it starred the Wolfman?
Ho-wever, that doesn’t mean there ain’t some prime werewolf terror! When the hairy one shows up, it’s classic B-movie madness! While it’s certainly no Jack Pierce monsterpiece, the make-up is pretty groovy. That’s certainly something to howl about.
Keep America strong… watch Werewolf of Washington below:

Rest in Peace, King of the Zombies and The Man Who Was Never Born

We lost two true legends today: director George A. Romero and actor Martin Landau. Romero was the man who gave us the zombie film as we know it today, Landau brought Bela Lugosi back to life for director Tim Burton. Both men were masters of their craft and will be deeply missed by us all. During this week, we will be paying homage to these two fallen icons. Thank you, gentlemen. May you rest well. xoxo