#TBT: The “Darkman on Auto-Pilot” Edition

They destroyed everything he had, everything he was. Now, crime has a new enemy and justice has a new face… and it ain’t Liam Nesson’s! It ain’t even Arnold Vosloo’s!

Who is Darkman? Well, he’s only the most ho-rrifying hero of them all! Part Phantom of the Opera! Part The Shadow! All Raimi!

Yes, indeed! Darkman was created by Sam “Evil Dead” Raimi after he couldn’t get the rights to Walter B. Gibson’s The Shadow. What Raimi came up with is a dark (duh.) figure that’s halfway between a monster and a pulpy superhero. The resulting film, 1990’s Darkman, is a bugnutty rollercoaster ride of a film, filled with bizarro humor, gruesome gags, and insane editing/camerawork that would feel at home in an Evil Dead film. In short, it’s dark magic.
The film was hit at the box office, so Universal was lookin’ to turn Darkman into a franchise hero. While sequels would come later, the first attempt to have Darkman come out of the shadows again was an unaired television pilot. The pilot featured the late, but oh-so-great great Larry Drake reprising his role as the villainous Durant and Chrisopher Bowen taking over as Darkman.
While it’s not exactly perfect, the Darkman pilot is an interesting piece of the character’s history. Bowen’s no Liam Neeson (the OG), but I’m always in favor of making characters more British-y! 😉
The pilot serves as a reboot to the story, but attempts to keep the tone of the movie. Heck, they even use footage from it! It’s pretty goofy in that wonderful early ’90s way and features Larry Drake being Larry Drake. I’d give it…

Give into the Darkness and check out the pilot below:

Side Note: Happy Birthday, Groovy Bruce Campbell!!! 🙂 xoxoxo

#FreddyFriday: The “Screener on Elm St.” Edition

Happy Freddy Friday, Bad Dreamers!

Yesterday, we posted a clas-sick VHS screener promo for Child’s Play featuring Chucky. Well, it turns out that Mr. Fredrick Krueger was in the VHS promo business before Chucky was even packaged!
To scare up some profits, Media Home Entertainment brought Freddy out of the dream world and into the TV screens of potential clients with a 7-minute video promo. The video features Robert Englund in full fright gear, hamming it up with the panache of Hulk Hogan. At this point, Freddy was more of a morbid funnyman than an unholy terror. But we like yuks with our yucks, and Freddy knew how to slay ’em! 😉 Once a monster has had at least one truly scary film, I think they’ve earned the right to sell out.
In addition to some masterful salesmanship from Freddy, there are clips from The Late Show with Joan Rivers, scenes from the first three films, news footage, and other vintage goodies. If you ever wanted an idea of how big Freddy was in the ’80s, all you have to do is watch this video.

Pleasant Nightmares, Freddy Freaks! 🙂 xoxo

#TBT: The “Chucky Killed the Video Star” Edition

Hidey-Ho, Kinky Hos! Wanna play?

Who doesn’t love dolls? They’re just about the only companion who will stay with you forever… your friend to the end, if you will…
Yes, some dolls laugh, some cry, some blink their eyes, and some go tinkle in their pants… but the doll we prefer is a cut above the rest…
Of corpse, I’m talkin’ about Chucky, the tiniest tit-an of terror since Peter Lorre!
Yikes! Sorry, Mr. Ray!

Anyway, Back in the glory(hole) days of VHS,  studios would send VHS screeners of their new releases to video stores to entice them to stock their shelves with those movies. Well, MGM really took it to next level with their screener for 1989’s Child’s Play! They actually got the star of the film to scare ’em straight!
In this 6(66) minute video, The Chuckster goes huckster! Brad Dourif voices the killer doll, who brags about his slashing boXXX office success, (g)rave reviews, and even takes time to smack-talk Freddy and Mah Boo… not cool, Chuck!

The video also includes clips and the most ’80s theme song to ever ’80s. In short, this Child’s Play screener is Chuck-ing great! 🙂

Check it out, kreeps!

#FBF: The “Frankenstein Resurrectus” Edition

Happy The Mummy Release Day, Monster Mashers! 🙂
The film marks the beginning of Universal’s Dark Universe, a series of interconnecting monster movies featuring our favorite ghouls of the past. While we wish they had stuck to pure Gothic Ho-rror, anything that brings attention to Cinema’s Greatest Monsters is worth supporting. And it only makes sense that the Universal Monsters would join in on “shared universe” craze. After all, they created the cinematic sci-fi crossover with 1943’s Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman.

Ho-wever, while The Mummy is the first attempt to start a franchise to under the Dark Universe banner, it wasn’t the first attempt to eXXXhume the great monsters…
Back in the late ’90s, Universal had planned a straight Black-and-White throwback to the classic Frankenstein films, done entirely in CGI! In October 1998, The Hollywood Reporter announced that Universal head (;)) Casey Silver had green-lit the film for release in 2000. The film was set to be the first full-length animated feature by Industrial Light & Magic and was budgeted at 80 million dollars. If all of that wasn’t enough, The Wolfman was also supposed to be in the picture!

Alas, this beautiful nightmare was not meant to be. The project died, but Universal did resurrect the creeps in 2004’s Van Helsing. Oy.
Only 16 seconds of test footage exists for the film, but it’s pretty fang-tastic! The tower is perfect and Frankie’s got those Karloff-ish good looks we all love so very much.  How magical would it have been to have a modern monster film like this?! Hopefully, if the Dark Universe goes on, we may get some installments that have that classic Universal Monsters flavor.

For 16 seconds of pure Monster Magic, check out the video below:

#TBT: The “Gremlinbusters” Edition

On this day in 1984, two of the most important films of all time were unleashed upon the unsuspecting masses…

Yes indeed, 1984 really hit the “G” spot with Gremlins and Ghostbusters! These two ho-rror comedies are among the most beloved fright funnies in all of ho-rror, and the fact that they were released on the same day is nothing short of a miracle! How is this not a federal holiday??! Sure, social media is on fire with “Ghostbusters Day” posts, but it’s not the same and it eXXXcludes the undeniable awesome that is Gremlins.

In ho-nor of these two masterpieces of ho-rror, we’re giving you a double dose of monster movie magic! At the bottom of this post, we’ve provided two behind-the-scream videos, one for each film. Both of ’em are loaded with ’80s goodness and eXXXcellent nostalgia. The Ghostbusters one gets eXXXtra points for its overwhelming seXXXiness… yes, dear kreeps, it features a generous dose of young Rick Moranis! Mercy! I do believe I’m getting the vapors! 😉

#SeXXXgod

Happy Birthday, Ghostbusters and Gremlins…We love you forever!! xoxo 🙂

#ThemysciraThursday: Wonder Woman – Who’s Afraid of Diana Prince? (1967)

Ho-wdy, superfiends! After more than 70 years of being one of pop culture’s baddest badass and the standard by which all superheroines are judged, Wonder Woman is finally on the big screen in a big, bad way! After (arguably) stealing the show in last year’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, the Invincible Enemy of Injustice is kicking Evil’s ass and lassoing baddies in her very own feature! It may have taken decades, but based on the overwhelmingly positive critical response, it seems like it was worth the wait. 🙂

Woot! Woot!

To ho-nor Our Lady of Awesome, we’re taking a look at an early attempt to bring her to the spotlight…
No, not her…

HER!!!

That’s f-right, Kinky Kreeps! Before Lynda Carter fought for our rights (in her satin tights), producer William Dozier of Batman fame tried to work some of his campy magic on the Amazing Amazon. In 1967, he produced a five-minute screen test with Ellie Wood Walker (Targets) as Wonder Woman. Personally, I’m a HUGE fan of the Adam West Batman, so giving Wondy the same treatment sounded great to me! Unfortunately, this test is less Batman and more My Mother the Car.

*Sigh*

While Batman was undeniably silly, the show treated its Caped Crusader as a figure worthy of respect within his world. However, this pilot depicts Wondy as a vain, bumbling fool who’s constantly berated by her mother for being single. At one point, Wonder Woman spends an entire minute admiring herself in a mirror and blowing kisses at a reflection of herself… played by Planet of the Apes‘ Linda Harrison! The whole thing is totally bonkers and ends with what may just be the greatest flying effect in History!
So, yeah… its depiction of women is, um.. of its time, just about every single jokes lands with a thud, and it doesn’t treat its heroine with the respect she deserves… but it’s a goofy artifact worth checking out. It ain’t our Wonder Woman, but it has a cheesy charm of its own. For all its faults, it is a fascinating part of the history of one of our great icons.
With that said, I’m glad that the film is depicting Wondy as the formidable Amazonian warrior she is in the new film.

You’re a wonder, Wonder Woman! 🙂
Check out the test below:

#WetWednesday: The Swimming Pool Edition, Part 4

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Happy Hump Day, Ho-mies! 🙂 xoxo)

Featuring: Raquel Welch, Erika Jordan, Jacqui Holland & Miley Cyrus.

Lady in Cement (1968)

During an ocean dive, Miami gumshoe Tony Rome finds a woman’s body with its feet encased in a concrete block and sets-out to solve the murder case.

Bikini Avengers (2015)

[aka Bikini Super Heroes]

When the Jade Empress hatches a plan for world domination, it’s up to crime-fighting duo Bikini Avenger and Thong Girl to stop her and her nefarious minions.

We Can’t Stop (2013)


Ho-stess’s PS#WaybackWednesday 😉 xoxo

 

 

#FBF: The “The Story of a Boy, a Girl and a Universe” Edition

A long time ago in theaters far, far away….
That’s right, pervy Padawans! Yesterday, Star Wars celebrated 40 years of lightsabers, space action, and gold bikinis! In a mere 40 years, this space epic FORCED its way into the hearts of countless of film-lovers everywhere and continues to to be cultural juggernaut. But, like all things, it had to start somewhere…
In the Christmas season, of 1976, audiences were given their first delicious taste of Star Wars with a tempting teaser trailer. The film was nowhere near completion and 20th Century-Fox had seen very few results from the $10 million they invested. Heck, not even the movie’s own crew had seen much of it by then! Understandably, everyone was pretty concerned about this funky space movie from the kid who did American Graffiti.

At a cost of $3,915, the trailer was created to eXXXcite and inspire Fox executives, audiences, and the crew. While it did properly motivate the crew, everyone else was left cold. Fox eXXXecutives were still nervous and audiences apparently laughed at the unfinished footage. When Gene Wilder saw the footage, he said to Fox exec Alan Ladd Jr.,  “Laddie, they’re laughing at your picture.”
It’s eXXXtraordinary to think that this picture that nobody had any faith in would become the giant that it is today. The trailer that inspired dread in the studio and the ridicule of moviegoers actually does have hints of what would make the film a beloved classic today. Sure, it lacks the John Williams theme, features unfinished effects (white lightsabers), ends with a ridiculous(-ly awesome) explosion, is considerably more ominous in tone than the film itself, and has a logo that is foreign to modern eyes… but it sells what is truly important about Star Wars. It promises “aliens from a thousand worlds” and a “big, sprawling space epic.” In essence, that’s Star Wars: an eXXXciting space adventure with eXXXotic creatures, uneXXXplored worlds, and tons of sci-fi wonder. Sure, it’s not a perfect teaser, but it did introduce the world to one of its most beloved franchises.
Feel the Force and check out the teaser below:

 

#FBF: The “Alien Pours It On” Edition

A fine Alien: Covenant Day to all you XXXeno-ho-mies out there! We’re celebrating this glorious day with a cold, refreshing can of vintage terror! It’s your friendly neighborhood XXXXenomorph in a gut-bursting commercial for Pepsi!
To promote the release of 1992’s Alien 3, Pepsi unleashed the beast on the most radically ’90s teens imaginable. After being cornered by the eXXXtra-terror-estrial, the XXXtreme dudes resort to their most powerful weapon: the crisp flavor of Pepsi!
How magical is that? Coke may cause “Mean” Joe Greene to give you his jersey, but Pepsi keeps movie monsters from eviscerating you! I’d say on usefulness, the point goes to Pepsi… with no offense to Mr. Greene.
Can you imagine how many horrible deaths would have been prevented had Ripley just given the beast a Pepsi? It’s not like she wasn’t aware of the awesome power of Pepsi! Here she is having a Pepsi Day without a single care for the fate of humanity! YOU’VE DOOMED US ALL, RIPLEY!

Without any further ado, here’s the commercial. Just remember…

 In Space, No One Can Hear You Say “Pepsi, Please.”

Happy Alien: Covenant Day, Kinky Kreeps!

Drivers and Passengers: The Vehicles Edition, Part 1

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Kinky Ho-mie! 🙂 xoxo)

Featuring: Babette Bardot, Vanessa Ferlito, Jordan Ladd, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Kurt Russell, Rose McGowan, Monica Staggs, Janet Leigh, Ali Corbin, Jason Biggs & Ted.

Mondo Topless (1964)


Death Proof (2007)

Psycho (1960)


American Reunion (2012)



Ted (2012)

Ho-stess’s PS- #TBT to that time I needed a ride ho-me from the airport… 😉