Goon Review: 7 Days to Die

(Submitted by Andrew Peters…Thanks, my fellow survival ho-rror loving ho-mie! 🙂 It’s interesting to see the end results of this particular game. I fo sho would’ve backed the shit out of it when it was on Kickstarter, and I’m still going to check it out. I’m just maybe not in a super rush, especially after getting your take on it… 😉 xoxo)

Let me start off by saying that I truly love video games. Not all video games, mind you, but a whole hell of a lot of them. I don’t have a specific genre that I love more than another, but gun to my head, I would have to go with survival horror. Like, actual survival horror or something more semi-recent like Alien: Isolation, where you have limited ammo and it relied on stealth, thinking a situation over and not being hasty and using your tools to survive. I’ve also like a lot of the older PS1 RPGs, because not only were there so many secrets, but you got to know the characters and involved in the story. Now, I know I have stated many times that I have mixed feelings on zombies. I love old zombie flicks, especially the Italian cinema zombies, but now I feel they are overused and they all look the same and plots are far too similar. Having said that, I’m also not into Minecraft. At all. In fact, in 2011 when I was at E3, I was playing a demo of it and people were watching. The booth babe was walking up to each player and asking what they were building and what they thought of the game. When she approached me, I honestly replied, “I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing or what’s going on. Am I supposed to know or did I miss something? This is kinda dumb.” I set down my controller and left.

7-days-to-die-ps4-trailer.jpg.optimal

So, why did I talk about those various things and my experiences with them? Well recently I played 7 Days to Die on PS4. I know it had been out on Steam for PC before that, but I played the console version. When I read that it was a mix of RPG, zombie survival horror and castle defense with some Minecraft thrown in for good measure, I thought that this sounded really interesting and to be honest, it is. A game where you literally have to craft everything and I do mean EVERYTHING. Clothes, weapons, armor, food, shelter… the list goes on. Not only that, it pits you against the undead, which will run at night or all the time if you choose for them to do so in the options. You also have to beware of your elements. You can freeze to death or die of heat stroke and I noticed something else about the rain, like how wet you are? Guess it can destroy certain armors? I dunno, I couldn’t figure it out. However, you can also build all kinds of shelters or fireplaces and make yourself food or drinks to keep you alive. As you do so, certain aspects of your character level up and holy shit, is there a lot of them.

Now while all that stuff I listed could be considered “awesome” to most gamers, I found it to be far too overly complicated and confusing. After you choose your stereotyped character, you are immediately thrown into the game with no idea what is happening or going on. Immediately, I began wandering around, but there is a small tutorial that gives you the basic functions for some of your actions… note that I said SOME and some basic missions to accomplish that will be the basic roots of everything you need to do, like make a shelter, make a fireplace, make armor, make a stone hammer. Okay, so I have to build all of this shit, because apparently it’s some sort of post apocalyptic world where none of that shit lasted? Ok, that’s the point of the game, so whatever. You’re either with it or you’re not. I unfortunately was not. I did not enjoy this. I did not have fun. Probably because I suck at this type of game.

7days2

Right away I felt lost. It took me some time to get my bearings on the game and when I thought I was, I calmed down a bit and was kind of enjoying it. But then, I began to suffer from heat stroke and this is where my biggest issue is with the game. This didn’t stop. It was constantly happening and as a first time player, there was nothing I could figure out to do. Getting water or finding shelter would be the best thing to do and I was even instructed to do so. But when I found shelter, I was given no indication on what to do. Ok, so get some water then, but from where? That wasn’t clear either. Soon, a couple of zombies were trying to break down the door and all I had was a goddamn rock hammer. Needless to say, I died. A lot. If it weren’t zombies killing me, it was the fucking heat stroke or in one case a bear. A fucking bear came out of nowhere and killed me. Oh and everytime you die, you have to backtrack to where you died to get all of your stuff back and then re-equip it. Hooray for tedious tasks!

I don’t consider myself a casual gamer, as I constantly play games, new or old. I can pick up any game, figure it out and be really good at it. I enjoy trophy hunting as well, which adds challenges to most games. But with 7 Days to Die, I have never felt more inept in my life and this includes my first time with a woman. (“Lol!!” -D.P.) I struggled so hard to figure out what I was doing, mostly because of the vague mission tasks you are given. They tell you what you need to do, but not much else besides that. While I am trying to figure this out, a random zombie (which, by the way, feel really scarce and I honestly didn’t see that many) would start attacking me, so I would have to back off and come back later, only I would start getting heat stroke and frantically and angrily try to figure out what to do in that situation. It’s a game that is constantly throwing obstacles, challenges, tasks with random difficulty spikes at you, with little to no instruction on what was going on or what to do. Unless you somehow know what to do, which I didn’t nor could I figure out. Just thinking about this game makes me feel frustrated, like it gave me PTSD.

sevendays2Graphically speaking, it’s clearly wasn’t made for the PS4 as everything looks blocky and choppy and honestly, looks like shit. Maybe I’m just hating on the game now, but visually I would say it’s not impressive. I didn’t have problems with the sounds, but I didn’t get to hear that many as I never made it too far into the game. Speaking of another problem I had, what’s up with the hit detection? It seems like zombies or fire or whatever random bullshit the game threw at me could hit me when I was nowhere near it, yet I literally had to be within docking distance of a zombie to hit it. Don’t know what docking is? I’ll let Diana charmingly explain that to you… (“What I do is not up to you…” ;))

This is so disappointing. I really wanted to like this game and I really wanted to get into it, but unfortunately it’s a game made specifically for a specific type of gamer and that’s not me. You can check out my videos below and hear me go from frustration, to almost nearly enjoying myself and then to rage.

Goon Review: Mosquito (1995)

(Submitted by a Goon who never always says die, Mr. Andrew Peters…Thanks, Ho-rror Ho-mie! xoxo)

mosquitoposter

There was a spider in my toilet. A fucking toilet-spider. A big, black sucker with four long front legs and two white stripes going down its back. I don’t know how it got in there or what it was doing, but it was waiting to jump up someone’s ass and lay some eggs in there, where little baby spiders would hatch and eat their way out. Luckily, I was cleaning and not going to use it and sit down, so I immediately flushed and watched the little bastard circle the drain until he vanished. I quickly googled to see if I could identify the spider, but found articles about how you shouldn’t flush spiders, because they can live for hours or even days under water. Now, this thing is pissed and plotting its revenge. Anyway, I hate bugs and we’re gonna be talking about Mosquito, a movie about bugs that are considerably worse than spiders.

I have a hard time believing this film almost had a theatrical release, but Hemdale, the company that acquired the rights to theatrical distribution for the film, went bankrupt shortly after picking it up and maybe it was for the best. It’s a low budget film and it shows. The acting, the special effects and even the premise makes it seems like something that would debut on the Syfy channel now, only with practical effects instead of CG. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but I just find it hard to believe someone saw this and said, “Yeah, let’s get this in theaters!” The big selling point the film had going for it was that it starred Gunnar Hansen and yes, he does wield a chainsaw and make a Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference. Get it? Cause he was that guy in it. It also stars the bassist from The Stooges, so take that as you will.

mosquito3

The opening of Mosquito, also known as Blood Fever (although I’ve never heard it referred to as that), opens with a UFO crash landing into a forest to which the local mosquitoes feast upon the corpses of the aliens. It kinda reminds me of the opening of Night of the Creeps in the sense that an alien based object crashes on Earth and is found by something local, changing it. It could have done the usual trope and have it be some sort of ridiculous biological experiment, so I gotta give the movie credit for doing something unique. After that, however, it becomes a pretty standard monster flick. Ray is driving along a lonesome, wooded road with his girlfriend Megan who is on her way to start her career as a park ranger. She also happens to be an expert on bugs, so that’s a happy little coincidence right there. Speaking of happy coincidences, a giant mosquito smacks right into their car, knocking a hole in the radiator causing the two to take shelter at a local hotel where they meet Parks who is chasing the meteor that crashed. Parks inquires about their car to which the two tell him they hit something and even go as far as to discredit that it was a giant insect. So… a thing with a three parted, segmented body, six legs and wings is not a bug? I don’t know why they are so in denial of it, because from the audience perspective, it just makes them look stupid. I mean, the only point would be to try and fool the audience, but we already say that it was a giant mosquito and… I’m overthinking this or maybe I’m not. Megan is able to identify the proboscis, a very specific part of the giant mosquito that destroyed their radiator, but is unable to identify the giant creature that it was just attached to and they ran over. I blame public schools and cell phones.

mosquito7

Meanwhile, the entire Parks Department (not to be confused with the character we met earlier, Parks) is letting the shit roll downhill by dumping all the responsibilities of the local push-over, Ranger Hendricks, who is given the duty of spraying for pests while a trio of thieves, led by Gunnar Hansen, are looking for an escape out of the park. Now that all the players are here, we can get this shit show underway and it doesn’t take long for that to happen. The thieves are almost immediately attacked by the flying mosquitoes, followed by a number of campers, which to the film’s credit, this is where we get a gratuitous sex scene, complete with belching!

mosquito4

Parks, Ray and Megan, after having been attacked by some stop motion mixed with puppet mosquitoes, find Hendricks hiding and the four try to devise an escape plan, which involves bailing in an RV. Unfortunately, that plan is botched by the thieves who want to go back into the woods for a reason I can’t remember (I’m fairly confident it was for a stupid reason), but then that plan is botched by a giant mosquito attack. I have to admit, this sequence is pretty awesome given the limited amount of space the actors had to move in and the driving stunts. Aside from casting Gunnar Hansen, I’m assuming this is where a majority of the budget went. After the wreck, the survivors take refuge in the sewers and this is where I really question Megan’s abilities as a bug expert, because I can think of a certain insect that likes dark, dank, moist places. But then again, I’m no bug expert. After another attack and driving off the mosquitoes with fire like villagers scaring Frankenstein’s monster, they move on and stumble across a cottage. Keeping in line with the theme of major plot coincidences, it just so happens that in the basement is the mother load of giant mosquito eggs. Looks like it’s time for that inevitable final battle, filled with chainsaws, shotguns and gore that ultimately just kind of ends semi-abruptly.

Mosquito2 (1)

I know a lot of people love this movie, but let’s face it; it’s a pretty bad movie that was doomed from the start. How do I know? The original special effects artist, assumably just staring into the distance with a blank, dead gaze, said he was going out to get a pack of cigarettes and vanished from the production, never to be seen again. A real baby-daddy move. That’s the kind of production this is; the one you didn’t want and those closest bail on it. I don’t know how the special effects would have looked, but I do have to admit that the ones that appeared on screen are pretty damn good. The mosquitoes look terrifying, twitch like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly and explode into green goop when they are exploded or chopped up. The stop animation mosquito parts are also done extremely well, considering the low budget of the film. I get a strong feeling this is where most of the money went, that and casting Gunnar Hansen as their ticket into trying to get this film into theaters, which almost worked. Having the iconic Leatherface drop a reference to TCM and wave a chainsaw around is really trying to sell it to horror fans as, “Hey look, it’s that guy from that movie doing that thing he did in that movie!”

Mosquito28

mosquito5

A movie about people fighting giant insects, the actors must have been very self aware of what was going on and they really ham it up for their performances. The actors are certainly trying their hardest, but they know what kind of film they are making, so you can tell they are having a lot of fun and you know what? I was too. The performances are a lot of fun and the concept of the entire film isn’t too bad for the nature run amok genre. Of course, I talked about the special effects being pretty good and I think you’ll also enjoy watching people being sucked dry of blood kinda like Lifeforce and their eyes bulge out of their skulls and explode. The Synapse film release on Blu-ray has a handful of special features, like a commentary with director Gary Jones, producer David Thiry and co-writer Tom Chaney, deleted and extended scenes, as well as a making of featurette called Bugging Out!

mosquito2

There’s some sort of morbid joy to get out of watching the most annoying insects in the world just get brutally mutilated by a number of different gore-filled ways. For a bad film, this is highly enjoyable.

In the Mirror: The Reflections Edition, Part 2

I’m still on a Super High from finally meeting CLINT HOWARD last night (all the squee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), so you’ll have to eXXXcuse me if my mind isn’t cum-pletely focused on work right now. 🙂 🙂 🙂

clintme

(Blurry and derpy, I know, but I so don’t care!!!  It still reps eXXXtreme awesomeness, so lots of hugs and love to Mr. Tygrr to capturing this happy moment for me. xoxo 🙂

If you were wondering, Mr. Ho-ward was as awesome as I’d ho-ped he’d be. (If not more so, believe it or not!! :)) Soooo much more on him later (I think I’m really, really interviewing him very soon…yay!!!! :)),  but for now, here’s a lovely photo set put together by our Smutmaster General, Eric. Thanks so much for this, Mr. E., and for the amazingly thoughtful (and timely!! ;)) birthday gifts…Pics soon for ya, I super promise!! 🙂 xoxo

funhouse1

(Side Note: Check out the movie he was promoting, The Funhouse Massacre, which also stars my bday twin, Robert Englund:

And, from now on, June 8 is officially Clint Ho-ward Day…ReXXX Manning Day can suck it!! 😉 Now back to our regularly scheduled programming… 🙂 xoxo)

In the Mirror: The Reflections Edition, Part 2 (by Eric :))

Featuring: Asia Argento, Jamie Lee Curtis, Mary Beth Rubens, & Anaïs Demoustier.

Scarlet Diva (2000, 2002 US)

asiaar

asiaar2 asiaar3 asiaar4 asiaar5

Prom Night (1980)

promnight promnight2 promnight3 promnight4 promnight5

The New Girlfriend (2015, US)

[French]

newgf newgf2 newgf3 newgf4 newgf5

Bonus:

w/ Jamie Lee Curtis & Diana Prince (Dude!! It’s an ho-nor to be mentioned in the same post as JLC. EXXXtra thanks for that!! 😉 xoxox)

Mother’s Boys (1994)

mb12

My Mom, The Hooker (2012)

mmth mommygotboobs8

Goon Review: The Chair

(Thanks to Kickstarter perks, we were treated to an early screener of The Chair, which is set to be released later this year. It’s bittersweet, though, as I was looking forward to it because of the cast and the badass graphic novel on which it’s based. Alas, it also turned out to be one of Roddy Piper’s last film roles, which is, of course, heartbreaking. Since I wanted an unbi-ass-ed review, I ass-gned  Mr. Goon Reviews, aka Andrew Peters to the task. Here are his thoughts on this crowd-funded fright flick…Thanks, Ho-rror Ho-mie!! 🙂 xoxo)

roddychair

When I first read the synopsis to this film, I thought to myself sarcastically, “Oh great, another indie torture porn film.” That’s a term I’ve always hated, but sometimes it works when you’re trying to describe something, like Hostel for example, a film with unlikeable characters, weak plot and revels in gore. (I LOVE the crap outta Ho-stel, btw. 🙂 -D.P.) The Chair is nothing like that, nor is it in the same vein.

thechair31

I knew nothing about this film going into it, which is why I quickly labeled it in my head as torture porn after reading the synopsis. Much to my surprise, that’s quite a good cast in the film, including the late Roddy Piper in one of his final roles, Zach Galligan from Gremlins and even Noah Hathaway, who most people know as Atreyu from The Never Ending Story (and Troll!! :)). Even B-Movie actor Bill Oberst Jr. is in the film playing the villainous Warden. Given the cast, my interest was piqued and to be totally honest -no sugar coating- it wasn’t what I was expecting and I found it to be pretty darn good.

thechair5

For starters, it’s not something I would deem as a torture porn film. Although there is torturing in it, there is more plot and other elements that dig much deeper, both into the story and characters than just trying to gross out your audience with sadistic torture scenes. The story takes place in a very dank and crummy prison as Richard Sullivan (Timothy Muskatell), an innocent man wrongly accused of a horrendous crime, witnesses the harsh and brutal killings of other inmates at the hands of the tyrannical Warden (Bill Oberst Jr.) and his guards. But there’s more to it than that and that’s what separates this from most films of this type, especially when it’s low budget or indie. I think in that case, most of those filmmakers seem to think they need to give the audience what they think they want in order to gain that audience, but The Chair gives you much more.

chair2

Richard isn’t your typical innocent man, at least in the sense you would think. He claims he didn’t commit the crime he is one death row for, but we are given glimpses into his childhood where he’s abused by his mother and his hallucinations prove it’s had an effect on him. It gives you the feeling that maybe he’s totally not innocent. It really goes into his psyche and gives you the impression there’s an underlying issue you want to know more about. You want to know exactly what happened and what he did. Roddy Piper plays one of the treacherous prison guards, but not like some oaf or brute ape. No, Hot Rod plays him as a sadistic, twisted man who clearly loves his job, which just happens to be torturing and abusing the inmates and that’s where this character is truly terrifying. The thought of someone who enjoys this line of work and this is believable because of Roddy’s performance. His performance is scary as hell. Of course, we can go without mentioning Bill Oberst Jr.’s portrayal of the Warden. Usually in this situation, the characters is played either one of two ways; completely whacky or some sort of Jigsaw type of character. Bill plays him somewhere in the middle. He’s calm, cool, but devilish and with those goggles and gloves, he looks like he belongs in an Italian Nazisploitation film from the ‘70s.

chair

On a technical aspect, the film is kind of a mixed bag in that sense. While the cinematography and editing are fairly well done (thankfully none of that hyper ADD editing that seems to be popular nowadays), the lighting is a bit dark and at times I had trouble seeing everything, which is a shame because the set of the prison is really dark and dreary and helps shape the tone of the film. The colors are also that brownish/grey muted tone that every film seems to be doing now and I feel like even though this is a cold, stingy kind of film, I feel like it could have benefited from some louder colors at times. I had a few problems with the audio at times with the dialogue seeming like it’s at the same level as the music, making it a little difficult to hear, but nothing too bad. Keep in mind these complaints are minor and took nothing away from my overall impression.

The Chair is a raw, gritty film that gives you more other than visceral scenes of brutality. It’s a deep character piece with stellar performances from the cast and even with minor issues, it’s a tense, bloody film that I wanted to keep watching to find out more about the main character’s past.

thechair2 thechair3

Porn: The Musical

(A review submitted by TyGrr…Thanks, Kinky Ho-mie!! 🙂 xo)

ptmdamn2

On a sound stage a wacky crew works on a Jizz Flick where jaded porn director Miles Deep learns, with the help of his Assistant, Anya Knees- who has dreams bigger than porn- that his formulaic methods for getting the “money shot” are missing one essential ingredient: heart. (“I remember that feeling well…” 😉 -D.P.)

The Stud Muffin of this musical is Big D Magee. When he pulls a Diva and splits, it’s up to The Sound Guy (that’s his name) who is smitten with Porn Star Tess Tickles to step in and save the day with his… impressive hidden talent.

Acting is on point, and the cinematography is seamless. With toe-tapping dance choreography, songs such as Don’t Fuck with the Formula and the duet Making Porn with You are lyrically humorous.

porn-the-musical

Written and Directed by Erin Nydick and Meghan Malone, with Music and Lyrics from Jake Minter, this twenty-three minute short is a thesis film from students at Ithaca College in New York. Filmed over two weekends, according to Malone, “coordinating the musical numbers of the film were simultaneously the most fun and difficult parts of shooting. Currently submitted to film festivals, there has been talks of a feature or stage adaption.” Abbey Eichorn, who plays ‘Anya’, has been performing since age six, taking voice lessons, dance classes, and performing in plays such as The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

An amazing amalgamation of smut and song, if you enjoy porn and musicals (and who doesn’t?) then Porn: The Musical is for you!

ptm2

For more info:

Porn: The Musical on Facebook and pornthemusicalfilm@gmail.com

Meghan Malone on Instagram: meghanbree: Twitter: @meghanb23

Abbey Eichorn on Instagram and Twitter: @abbeynormally

Ho-stess’s PS– Here the actual Porn Musical I considered auditioning for, but chickened out because I wasn’t sure my voice was up to snuff. Regret not having the balls to give it a go back then, but dang…The folks they did cast ROCKED IT!!! (And at least I didn’t end up on the blooper reel. ;)) xo


#MMM: The “Crispin Glover is Even Weirder Than We Thought” Edition…

…and that’s a very good thing. 🙂

crispin19

So, a few weeks ago I got this email from the Egyptian Theatre in Ho-llywood announcing “An Evening with Crispin Glover”.

crispin1

This sort of event happens quite often in LA, and almost always sticks to the same formula: Celeb Dude shows film, answers random audience questions for twenty minutes or so, takes a few pics with fans, then leaves. I wasn’t expecting anything more than that from Mr. Glover’s appearance, but since he is on my list of Forever Crushes (thanks largely to his dreamy turn in Friday the 13th Part 4 :)), and I didn’t really know too much about him other than his mainstream film roles (and Clowny Clown Clown, a forever-fave) I wanted to go check him out.

7-cripin-glover

(#rawwwwwwwwwwwwwr!! :))

My curiosity was further piqued when I read what people who had already gone to some of his appearances had to say about the eXXXperience. Here are but a few eXXXamples:crispin2crispin3

Um…Yeah. Count me so in for this!! 🙂

He was very adamant about not taking pics/vids during his show, so unfortunately I have no actual footage to share with you. I did manage to get this one image to show it’s a literal slide show, so drink that in for a moment:

crispin4

As I said, I really didn’t have a clue what to eXXXpect (other than “weirdness”, which I’m always down for :)), so I was ho-nestly, truly, crazily blown away by Mr. Glover’s performance…and film…and books. Perhaps even more importantly, the way he treated the hundreds of fans who waited in line for literally hours to see him (I know…I was right there with ’em! :)) was beyond impressive.

crispin5

(“Sorry, Mr. Glover, I totally didn’t realize I was pushing my bewbage into you when we took this…” -Me. Lying. ;))

The event started around 8pm, and Mr. G didn’t leave until the VERY LAST person in line got the chance to get his autograph, take pics, and even have a personal convo with him. (I was very close to last in line, and I know I didn’t get out of there until about 3:30, and he was still as courteous and polite to everyone at that late hour as he had been at the beginning of the night.

After this brief glimpse into the Wacky, Wonderful World of Crispin, I wanted to know (and share with the universe! :)) the so-not-mainstream side of this intriguingly unique artist who was obviously so much more than George McFly. I contacted him about an interview for the site, and he was kind enough to oblige (sort of…I think ;)). I met him for tea to discuss deets, but he was just too freaking fascinating…After all the billions of interviews he’s done about every topic under the sun, I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend that my Awkward Fangirl-ing interview style would present anything to the world that wasn’t already readily available. So, I got selfish, and instead of trying to interview him for Kinky Ho-rror, I decided to just talk to him…for hours. (I guess it’s more accurate to say I listened for hours, since I was too intimidated by him to articulate much aside from tiny, mouse-like “squeeeeees” under my breath. Until he offered up some very tasty Tequila, that is, and then I wouldn’t shut up…Huzzah for liquid courage!!! ;))

I realize I’m droning on a bit (hey, this is being posted on #ManCrushMonday for a reason ;)), so I’ll jump right to my main point for all my fellow ADD-ers out there:

Crispin Hellion Glover is a uniquely awesome dude, onscreen and off. If you have the chance to check out one of his Film/Slideshow Tours, you HAVE to. (Click here to stay updated on tour dates and such...NOW!! ;))  If you enjoy the living shit out of Clowny Clown Clown (and ho-w can anyone not?? :)), you HAVE to check out the rest of that indescribably unique album. (Auto-Manipulator  is my new theme song…#JustSayin’. ;)) If you think he’s insanely, panty-meltingly ho-t (and ho-w can anyone not??? ;)), you, sir or madam (no judgments here! :)), have eXXXcellent taste, and here’s some #ManMeatMonday deliciousness to get your week started on a hot-as-fuck   note. (You’re welcum! :)) Now, if you’ll eXXXcuse me, I have a lil’ Auto-Manipulating to do… 😉 xoxoxo

005DDS_Crispin_Glover_023

crispin12

crispin16 crispin11crispin20 crispin18 crispin15

crispin13

(Classic Radness also featuring Nic Cage. :))

http://hellyescrispinglover.tumblr.com/post/471124000/the-ecdysiasts-art-the-appreciation-of-the

http://hellyescrispinglover.tumblr.com/post/471149651/eccentric-doesnt-bother-me-eccentric-being-a

Holy Crap…Kato Kaelin!!!

OMG!!! I was getting ready to post this review (by Andrew Peters…Thanks, friend! :)) based upon its Troma merits alone. When I got to reading it, ho-wever, I saw a blast from my masturbatory past in the form of Mr. Kato Kaelin. 🙂

I have mentioned before how…”enthralled ” I was by KK’s…”talents”. (Translation: I thought he was a super stud and used to rub it out to him during my formative teen years. :)) I haven’t heard much about him lately, though, which is why I’m PSYCHED to hear he’s not only back in the pubic eye (intentional typo ;)) again, but he’s working with Troma to boot!!! This is mid-90’s-me’s wettest of dreams cumming true!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Goon, for telling me (and the world as a whole) of this joyousness!!! I shall get my diddlin’ hand a’ready and check it out posthaste!! 😉 xoxoxo

kaelin03

BC Butcher Review (by Andrew Peters)

bcbutcher

What do you get when you mix elements of a slasher film, punk rock, Kato Kaelin and the stone age? You get BC Butcher, directed by Kansas Bowling who was only seventeen at the time of its creation a few years ago. I remember Ms. Bowling reaching out to tell me about this a few years ago and I am very happy that her film is not only complete, but has found distribution and is widely available for the masses.

At its core, BC Butcher is a simple slasher film; A group of cavewoman, led by the boastful Neandra, tie up, gut and then eat said guts of another cavewoman, all because Neandra suspects her man Rex is in love with the other woman, but it’s actually the BC Butcher (hence the title)! Funny thing is, you get the sneaking suspicion that Rex is gay. After that, it’s pretty formulaic, but it’s in no way a cookie cutter clone of some other film or boring. One by one the girl’s fall victim to the monster as he disposes of them. The monster himself is just a buff dude in a mask, which is part of the cheesy, low budget fun, but the biggest shock and surprise was seeing Kato Kaelin show up in a primitive slasher movie from Troma. You all remember him from the OJ Simpson trial, don’t you? Holy shit, am I really that old? (Yay! We’re both old!! :))

kkbc

Kato Kaelin’s performance is something… masterful. (“Hehe”. -D.P.) I don’t know what to call it, but I can try to explain it. It borderlines somewhere between perfectly timed improv comedy and awkward, uncomfortable interactions with other humans. I’m convinced it has to be an acting choice, because there is no way that is just how it happened. Keep in mind, I am saying this with praise, because I was laughing and smiling any moment he was on screen.

Where were we? Oh, right. The monster disposing of the girls one by one. You know, your average slasher stuff. Just replace cheerleaders with cavewoman. They act and talk like highschool girls, pining over the hunky Rex, while the film occasionally takes a break to feature some upbeat, almost surf like punk rock music from The Ugly Kids that accompanies the motif of the film and gives it a personalized feel to the soundtrack. In other words, it’s awesome.

bcband

The most apparent charm to BC Butcher is not only is Kansas Bowling having a lot of fun, but she has talent and passion for her art, something that most directors don’t have. I have always felt that there is a huge difference between an artist making something they believe in and someone just making a product. The two are very distinguishable and even if the end product doesn’t look as good or acted as well, I’m always gonna enjoy the art made by someone who truly believed in what they were doing, because all of their talent and dedication show up on screen and translate into a language that you can understand. In the end you take something from it and it’s something you thoroughly enjoy. That’s how I feel about BC Butcher (Ms. Bowling, I will be expecting my check now…)

One of the most magnetic themes of the film is that it’s set in the stone age, even though given the how the rest of the film plays out, it could have been anytime, anywhere. It could have just as easily been set out in the woods at a party, in a highschool setting or hell, even 18th century England and the outcome would have been the same. I’m saying that as a positive, since the characters, dialogue and soundtrack all play for a contemporary audience, but Kansas chose to set it during the BC era, because why the hell not? It’s the small things like that set BC Butcher apart from others. My only complaint is that at times the film feels like a college student’s experimental film when it cuts to black and white as a character repeats her cry for vengeance for several minutes. It took me out of the film briefly, but the film is overall a pretty funny, unique little slasher with a little blood and guts thrown in. For a freshman effort, you will overlook all the minor little details and see the bigger picture, as this is a valiant effort from Kansas Bowling. Kudos!

bcbutch

Obviously, something like this would catch the attention of, oh let’s say Lloyd Kaufman, so the film has been picked up by Troma and will be available on DVD later in the year. Not too shabby for a first time, seventeen year old film director who shot her movie in her father’s back yard. It’s sounds like a perfect fit for Troma. 

bcc672db-9683-48bb-8c1d-16fff83127f3

You can check out the film at https://troma.vhx.tv/b-c-butcher for yourself.

Goon Reviews: Death-Scort Service

(I have totally been wanting to check this one out, and now I am officially adding this to my Must View Queue. Thanks for the rad review, Mr. Goon-y Goon. 😉 xoxo)

DEATH-SCORT SERVICE REVIEW (by Andrew Peters)

If there’s a film that features some good looking tattooed girls getting completely naked, there’s a good chance I’m going to clear my schedule for the evening so I can give that said film a watch. That’s what happened with Death-Scort Service, a title I really like because I can’t decide if it’s more cheeky than it is cheesy and it features a handful of babes and a buffet of blood.

The film comes from director Sean Donohue and Gatorblade films, in association with The Sleaze Box and boy, do they really bring you back to a time when shot-on-video movies ruled the horror section in the mom and pop video store. The movie loves to flaunt its lovely ladies who are kind enough to strut their fully nude, tops and bottoms, sexy bodies for the film, for your entertainment and pleasure and then to brutally massacre them in a barrage of excessive violence and gore and I mean that in a good way. Yes, gorgeous girls like Amanda Welch, Cayt Feinics, Jehz Ayala, Ashley Lynn Caputo, Alice Reigns, Bailey Paige and of course, Krystal Pixie (and my apologies to any I may have left out) are here for your pleasure and coat their naked bodies in some fantastically well done blood and guts.

deathsc

When you live in Las Vegas and there isn’t much to do, I guess you gotta kill local call girls. That’s the premise of Death-Scort Service in the broadest sense, but there’s a little more to it than that, even if it is just a little. Some maniac with a raspy voice that is in completely different audio quality than what was used to record sound for the rest of the movie is calling local Las Vegas call girls that all seem to live in the same place and paying them to strip… and die! One at a time, these vegas call girls are being murdered and one of them is beginning to notice that her roommates and fellow hookers are missing.

deathsc3

And that scene repeats itself; creep calls the escorts, they say where to meet, they show up and get nekkid, they die, repeat. It isn’t until about twenty minutes in that one of them mentions this string of disappearing girls has been happening for some time and that her friend went missing. Nothing else is mentioned again until almost an hour in (and it’s the same thing), but that gap is filled with more death and nudity. Normally, I would get tired of that, but these girls keep it at that certain kind of sexy sleaze that I like. It doesn’t hurt that a weird, funky, but cheap soundtrack is looping. I’m not sure if it’s catchy or eating my brain.

Certainly, the film does have a conclusion with a twist. Two of the girls think the person making the phone calls is the killer. Screw calling the cops! They don’t care about hookers anyway and when you don’t have a pimp to protect you, it’s up to you. So they devise a plan, even though it’s not a well thought out plan, it’s still a plan nonetheless. What’s a girl to do when she makes her living turning tricks? Hooker’s justice! I love the idea.

death-scort-service-03

The film gleefully revels in being your peeping tom eye as the shots linger on the girls undressing, rubbing themselves down, bathing, being mutilated. It’s a closet pervert or voyeurs’ dream. I gotta hand it to Mr. Donohue; to me, these are some of the sexiest girls and it was a delight to watch them undress and do their thing. Of course there is a little something for the ladies. You get to see an old, bald bearded biker dude wag his dick and balls around. (“YES!!! SCORE!!!” -D.P.)) I kinda wish we would see more of that in movies.

But surely it’s more than gore and hot nude girls, right? Well, no. Not really. The little gaps in between are filled with the girl’s banter, which it’s best to say they are best left to their other *ahem* talents. But hey, it’s super low budget and shot-on-video, so it has an added charm to the overall mix.

deathsc2

Given the title and the content that lies within the movie, it’s a nostalgic trip to the days of the small town video stores (you know the kind that had that dust and plastic smell), scanning through the horror movies and picking up the big box that’s all sun faded. The box art would feature some hot babe barely clothed and the title of the film would sound so awesome, you rented it without looking at the back. Then you get it home and realize that not only is the thing shot on a consumer grade camera, but the girl on the cover is nowhere to be found. You feel lied to, but you still watch it because you paid for it and it’s while watching it, you see how sleazy the film is. There is an undeniable charm. You feel dirty, but good about it. It’s that filthy little secret you can’t wait to show your friends. The massive amounts of gore and nudity are pleasing and when it’s over, you can’t wait to tell your friends about this hidden gem. That’s what Death-Scort Service was to me.

deathsc4

If you are looking for something with a story and character arcs, you’re gonna want to look elsewhere. However, if you happen to be looking for an expose of some of the cutest tattooed girls being cut open and skinned alive, then Death-Scort Service is gonna be pleasing for you. It’s a film that’s going to leave you feeling dirty, but you’re gonna like it for that.

Goon Reviews: The Editor

THE EDITOR (reviewed by Andrew Peters…Thank you, sinister sir! 🙂 xoxo)

Being both a huge fan of Italian horror flicks and indie filmmakers Aston-6, I was completely ecstatic when I heard that their next movie was going to be a Giallo called The Editor. Are you kidding me?! The guys who made Father’s Day and Manborg (if you haven’t seen those films, please go do so right now) are making an Italian slasher/murder mystery? This was like a dream come true. However, I’ve been let down before, but that thought instantly subsided once I remembered who was behind it. They wouldn’t let me down.

And they didn’t.

editorX4

Let’s rewind a bit. For those of you unfamiliar with Giallo films, they could be considered the predecessors to the prototypical slasher films of the 80’s, but they are more than that. They are chock full of mood and atmosphere, using beautiful lighting and cinematography and use long shots (rather than ADD style editing now) to create suspense and dread. The killer would often be shrouded in darkness, donning black leather gloves and using straight edged weapons to brutally, and often displaying intense moments of gore, hack their victims. They would also fill in a lot of gaps with sex and nudity and the film would be accompanied by a mix of bone chilling orchestral and synth score. So the Italians knew what they were doing. They knew how to make a film.

How well does The Editor follow these steps? To the letter. I don’t know whether to call it a love letter or an homage, but maybe it’s neither, because it’s such a strong, suspenseful horror film on its own that comparing to others or calling it a parody would make it seem less, which it isn’t by far. I especially wanted to avoid calling it a parody, because of terrible diarrhea like the Scary Movie series or A Haunted House might come to mind and I’d hate to mistakenly disinterest you in this film.

Editor3-1

Film editor Rey Ciso (played by Father’s Day’s Adam Brooks) was the best at editing films. Until one day, he went mad and accidentally cut off his fingers while editing the impossible film. His career, and subsequently his marriage to actress Josephine (played by Nurse 3D’s Paz de la Huera), has suffered. Now he is editing the latest horror film for Francesco Mancini along with his beautiful assistant Bella, which also serves as a forbidden romance. The star of the film is murdered along with one of the actresses in a brutal slice and dice, but ego maniacal sidekick in the picture Cal Konitz (Astron-6’s Drew Sweeney) wants to be the star. Detective Peter Porfiry (Manborg’s Matthew Kennedy) is brought on to investigate and believes it is all Rey. Peter is also married to actress Margarit who goes blind upon seeing the dead bodies, ala The Beyond. Now that most of the major players are here and fit into the plot, things start to play out rather suspiciously.

The lead is replaced by someone else and Cal is jealous, but fortunately for Cal, the new lead has his throat slit and lands the lead part. But if the killer is obviously Cal (which it isn’t obvious), he isn’t finished. More and more of them wind up dead and Rey seems to have a problem struggling with it mentally, especially when body parts start showing up his work and he can’t recall if he went home or not. Peter digs up some dirt on Rey and discovers from Dr. Casini (played by the great Udo Kier) that Rey spent some time in an institution after his incident. But perhaps it goes deeper than that once Peter discovers what happened to his last assistant… and his current.

Editor3-620x300

More dead bodies stack up with copious amounts of gore, including a couple killed during sex with a chainsaw in a style that is reminiscent of a couple that was killed having sex in Jason Goes to Hell. As the number of characters dwindle, you begin to question who the killer is. Maybe it could be Rey, since he seems to be struggling mentally, which the film literally shows his dark side creeping up on him in some of the spookiest scenes the film has to offer. Some of the choices seem too obvious, but not impossible or that there might be more than one killer. The finale is a spectacular blaze (quite literally) of fire that doesn’t disappoint. But the twists don’t stop there in true Italian fashion.

TheEditor_630

Everyone plays their Italian stereotyped cast perfectly. Most of them are redubbed (by the same actors) in typical Italian film fashion. Peter always slaps women around and tells them what they did wrong or to get a hold of themselves, which was frequent in those films. Rey is played damaged and wants to do the right thing, but isn’t sure if he is and even begins to suspect himself as the killer. Cal is cold, stupid and even rapes a woman to get what he wants. Josephine is a bitter has been and spiteful toward her husband, because even though his career is failing, he still has one. The performances in the movie are amazing and you feel sympathetic or angry toward them. The actors deserve the largest amount of kudos for being able to play these characters seriously while making fun of their obvious stereotypes without making it goofy.

Rather than being a cheap parody, The Editor takes liberties at poking fun of Giallo tropes while taking itself seriously, making everything including the suspense, gore, music and cinematography that much more impactful. For instance, the film pays homage to certain films and filmmakers from that time in Italian cinema like Lucio Fulci, Mario Bava and Dario Argento. Scenes from their works like The New York Ripper, The Beyond, Suspiria, Inferno and Tenebre can clearly be seen as influence here and are copied in a very tasteful way, but also in a way that is worked into the plot, so it would make sense.

the-editor-toronto-film-festival

Everything in the film is a nod to the Giallo genre in some way, right down from the absurd dialogue, the dubbing, the lighting and cinematography and the score. Hell, even the blood for the movie within the movie is a bright comic book style red that Giallo films often use as opposed to the dark red used for the “real world” in the movie. The lighting and cinematography borrow heavily from greats like Mario Bava and Dario Argento, using lush blues, yellows and magentas to create downright spooky and cool moods and gives it an authentic Giallo look. Since I’ve been mentioning the music, let’s talk about that for a second. It’s a perfect blend of slow to fast synth by bands like Carpenter Brut (a personal favorite band of mine) that are already inspired by horror and Giallo films to somewhat orchestral/electronic songs, including tracks by Claudio Simonetti of Goblin!

The Editor far surpassed my already high expectations and has easily not only become my favorite film of 2015, but in my top ten films of all time. It perfectly blends humor, gore and suspense and got everything right what most films get wrong. Everything in the film works and compliments each other like it should. The Editor looks and feels like it should have been released in the 70’s alongside the films it is paying homage to. It’s not only the best horror film of 2015, but one of the best horror films I have ever seen.

News Bleed: The Zombie Cats from Mars Edition.

Hiya, Ho-mies! Here are a few juicy Ho-rror Happenings to help quench your thirst for blood…Welcum to this week’s News Bleed!! 🙂 xoxoxo

tumblr_lbmhy9oJNT1qcs3sko1_500

Here’s a longer look at Emma Roberts in full-on Bitch Mode (shock!!!;)) in Scream Queens. Vulture

bJcII6E

The Craft is pure perfection, so of course it’s being remade. (Oy already, people!) Hollywood Reporter

Nancy

Here’s where you can chat with one of the stars of the soon-to-be-realeased Poltergeist remake, should you so choose…(“All are welcome!!” ;)) Dread Central

tangina

More friggin’ remakes…WHY WON’T IT STOP?????? 🙁  ComingSoon.Net

YVn84A6

Huzzah to Guillermo Del Torro for giving us something new (especially since it features heavy doses o’Hiddleston Hotness!! :)) The Verge

tumblr_nocx969LQs1uqyqyfo1_1280

Speaking of hotness, NECA pays Mah Boo some proper respect. 🙂 Bloody Disgusting

jason-voorhees-lake-scene

The Scream TV show is still looking very un-Scream like (but I still can’t wait to check it out :)). Screen Rant

MTV_Scream_poster_490

In my never-ending quest to bring you quality entertainment, Zombie Cats from Mars, one of the many Oscar Bait films I’m listed as “ass-ociate producer” on, is now available for your viewing pleasure. (It features a cat wielding a gun!!! You’re welcum, world!!! ;)) xoxo