Movie Review: Jeepers Creepers 3

(Full length review submitted by Mr. Anton Phibes…Thanks, Ho-rror Ho-mie. I wasn’t gonna touch this one!! 😉 xoxo)

It’s quite difficult to discuss Jeepers Creepers 3 without mentioning director Victor Salva’s sordid past in some capacity. His actions have divided horror fans and cast a grim shadow on the popular franchise. However, For this review, I will separate the art from the artist. In no way do I condone Salva’s crime, but my opinion will be based solely on the film itself and not on its director. So, when divorced from its creator, is this film any good?

No. Not at all.

Jeepers Creepers 3 takes place after the final moments of the first film.  Brandon Smith reprises the role of Sgt. Tubbs, who joins forces with Sheriff Tashtego  (Stan Shaw) to hunt The Creeper (Jonathan Breck), a winged creature who feeds on human flesh every 23rd day of every 23rd Spring. The two cops eventually team up with Gaylen Brandon (Meg Foster), a half-mad woman who has a history with the creature. Will they succeed in killing the beast or will he feed again in another 23 years? Considering the recent talk of a potential fourth installment, I think you can guess the answer.

Stripped of its controversy, Jeepers Creepers 3 has very little to offer, save for a few unintentional chuckles.  There’s nothing clever, intriguing, frightening, or even weird about it. I’m generally not the kind to be overly critical of a creature feature, but there’s just nothing here. I wasn’t a huge fan of previous entries, but they weren’t quite this bad. And not a fun sort of bad, either. Jeepers Creepers 3 is awful in the most ordinary way. It borrows ideas and frights from other scare fare, but without any life or joy. It’s rare for me not to enjoy a monster-on-the-loose picture, but I’m afraid that this film wasn’t all that frightful.

If you’ve seen the other two films, this one offers nothing fresh or interesting. It teases an origin we never get to see and turns The Creeper’s truck into a Mario Kart-like abomination, but that’s about every new element it has to offer. Imagine a SyFy Channel reboot of the franchise and you’ll have a decent idea of what this film is like. There were a couple of shots I thought were wonderfully moody, but that’s hardly enough to recommend an entire movie. Even the acting, with the exceptional of the great Meg Foster, is blandly poor. Almost everything about this film is uninspired.

The Creeper, once a fairly intimidating force of supernatural evil, is played in a ridiculous manner that suggests camp, but feels out of place in a film that is otherwise pretty straight. Now, I don’t mind a cheeky monster, but it simply doesn’t work here. Even in his first big scene in the film, The Creeper kills all potential menace he might of had by literally wagging a finger at a victim. Apparently, The Creeper enjoys Twilight Zone: The Movie….

If you’re a die-hard fan of this franchise, you may get some amusement out of this film. There are those who’ve been clamoring for this film for over decade now. I’m not one of them, I sincerely hope that this film lives up to their expectations. But for those simply looking for a good monster movie about a man-eating creature that comes every 20-plus years, I suggest you see IT.  Heck, see IT again, if you’ve already seen it. You’ll probably get more out of a repeat viewing of that film than single viewing of this forgettable fright flick.

Goon Review: Missing in Action (1984)

(Submitted by Mr. Andrew Peters…Thanks, ya Goon-ie!! 😉 xoxo)

Chuck Norris, perhaps the genesis of what we now know as the meme, was the epitome of “man” in the rah-rah-America, chest thumping, gun shooting, shit ‘sploding, kick-a-man bad ass. He was the kind of man that if you shot him, he would clench up his butt cheeks and fart that bullet right out. Cannon Films recognized this popularity and exclusively signed Chuck to a multi-picture deal, thus bringing us some of the action movie staples that we grew up on in the ‘80s, war movies to be specific. The early ‘80s was a prime time to make Vietnam movies, seeing as how the war was still fresh in our minds, you could shoot them cheap and audiences would flock to them.

If there is one thing Golan and Globus knew how to do better than anyone, it was how to market their film to anyone. The men get plenty of explosions and the women get a number of scenes of Chuck Norris removing his shirt to reveal his ripped, hairy chest for no reason and wearing jeans so tight that any hipster would be envious. There was also a little something for the ladies; to see the sweat glisten off his chest on the hot Vietnam moonlit night, right before he roundhouse kicked a man out a window was worth the price of admission alone. These films from Cannon tended to be (as I heard them best called) B-movies on A-budgets.

Before we get started, Missing in Action and Missing in Action 2 were filmed back to back and Missing in Action is actually the second film in the franchise, believe it or not. However, Cannon felt that Missing in Action 2 was the stronger of the two movies and was released to theaters before the first film, so Missing in Action became a prequel, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning and Missing in Action 2 became Missing in Action. I probably over complicated that explanation, but this is the earliest example of something like this happening that I can think of. Oddly enough, the film very much mirrors the plot of Rambo: First Blood Part II, but Missing in Action was released one year prior. Is this where the idea for the plot of Rambo came from or is it just a coincidence?

Perhaps one of if not his most memorable role, Chuck Norris is Col. James Braddock; a Vietnam veteran who is being disgraced on national television because of his conspiracy theories about Vietnamese POW camps that still contain American prisoners. Braddock stares out of his window deep in thought, chugging an ice cold Bud while totally shirtless, watching the news as they argue whether or not there are American POWs still in Vietnam. Occasionally, he flips the channels to catch Spider-Man cartoons and I seriously thought the film was suddenly becoming a bad bootleg of it, because the shot just meanders for minutes on an episode. There may not seem like there was a purpose for this, but at the time Cannon Films was trying to get their Spider-Man flick off the ground that director Joseph Zito was attached to direct at one point and seeing as how he directed Missing in Action, it seemed like a fun connection.

Braddock comes out of hiding and heads to Vietnam to get some face time with the press and although the Vietnamese government has “witnesses” that claim there are no POWs, he knows otherwise. With the aid of a female reporter whose name escapes me because she matters so little, he uses her as a cover (under the covers) to sneak about a general’s compound to squeeze out some information from General Tran, who you might recognize as Cassandra’s father from Wayne’s World 2. After scaring the shit out of the guy, General Tran coughs up some info on the whereabouts of the prisoners, Chuck escapes a bunch of guards and says goodbye to his female reporter friend and so do we, because she’s not seen or heard from again. I’m certain her only purpose as basically the only female in the movie with a speaking role was to provide some really good side-boob. There are other women in the film, but they are pretty much just topless set pieces. Like I said, Golan and Globus knew how to exploit anything.

His journey continues further into Vietnam, thwarting scumbags that are out to stop him, usually by roundhouse kicking them into or out of things, like windows, walls, you name it. Braddock teams up with an old army buddy, Jack Tucker (M. Emmet Walsh) to help him get what he needs… firepower. And poon, if he wanted, but Braddock ain’t got no time for the pussy. Tuck, on the other hand, practically buries himself in it. Can’t say I blame the man, seeing as he’s afraid to go back into the warzone, but if I him I would be far more concerned with amount of STDs he’s probably contracted. You could wring out his underwear into a beaker and create a new virus.

The two buddies head down river in a sweet, kevlar coated pontoon boat mounted with an M-60 machine gun to continue their search. Needless to say, it’s not going to be easy, especially when there are too many bad guys for Chuck to karate chop or roundhouse kick. Good thing he brought and arsenal with him. After all, you want to see shit get blown up real good, don’t you. The film is odd when it comes to this. The action is either kind of lacking a punch, for lack of a pun, or it is way over the top. For example, when Braddock props a grenade on his jeep, so when the enemy jeep rams it, it explodes. It looks like someone threw a handful of dirt at the thing as people jumped away in all directions. But then you have moments where a camp explodes and Joseph Zito captures it from like four different angles and you watch it from every single one as this things erupts into a giant fireball. Most of the gunfire is reduced to Chuck just spraying a machine gun in all directions as guys fall over, so nothing to comment on that, other than it’s usually to get the body count up. It’s as if they sunk all of their money into a few action scenes and forgot that there were more. Chuck can’t karate kick his way out of all of them!

Saying that Missing in Action is a product of its era is an understatement. It very much spoke to an early ‘80s, post Vietnam when there was a strong sense of American pride, bitter from losing a controversial war. Much like Rambo: First Blood Part II, audiences were given a disgraced war hero given a chance at redemption, so he plunges into the depths of his formal Hell to rescue some POWs. Needless to say, Rambo is much better looking and better made film, but it also had about $42 million dollars more to spend. Given for what it is, Missing in Action is a pretty decent action flick that gives you exactly what you want; a brooding hero with a vendetta and a mission and nothing is going to stop him. The film isn’t necessarily non-stop action, taking breathers occasionally to develop plot, but when it does that the scene usually ends with a group of bad guys bursting into the room to either get drop kicked or blown away. Both are done well and you totally buy Chuck as war hero Braddock, but the film isn’t the best display of what a leading man Chuck Norris can be, as he doesn’t have a massive amount of dialogue and his fight scenes are usually over quick and he’s often paired with people that know how to fight back or take a licking.

Not taking anything away from the film, because it’s an absolute blast and with or without nostalgia, it’s a prime example of ‘80s action exploitation films, but I don’t believe it holds up as well as most of us remember. Sure, Chuck Norris is bad ass as Braddock, there’s plenty of shootouts and explosions, American pride for sale and what not, but it feels a bit like Rambo-lite. Again, not taking anything away from the film and certainly not the performances, because these characters are fun as hell, but it’s not as grand as I recall. That’s a side effect with most Cannon movies, seeing as they were made cheap and on the fly. Of course being younger when we first viewed these, they are going to seem much larger than life, but thirty years later, you can definitely see the weaknesses of them. However, that doesn’t affect the long lasting staying power of these movies and that’s what Cannon (unintentionally?) did; made fun as hell flicks that get some mileage and Missing in Action is a ton of fun.

#TBT: The “Freddy Phones It In” Edition

Grab your crucifix, kiddies… it’s #ThrowbackThursday!

This week, we’re hanging on telephone and dreaming a dream of Freddy Krueger!
Back in the day, Ol’ Pizzaface had his own telephone hotline (1-900-860-4-Fred; 1-900-909-Fred) where the Dream Weaver himself would tell nightmarish stories to keep you up at night!

But it did cost 2 dollars the first minute and 45 cents for each additional minute…
Howl-ever, thanks to the magic of the internet, we’ve got 44 minutes of free, unfiltered Freddy goodness that’ll have screaming like this…
Think of it like a bunch of one minute audio Tales from the Crypt or, more appropriately, Freddy’s Nightmares. This macabre morsels of frightening Freddy fables are the perfect thing to get you pumped for the upcoming Halloween season… so, get ready for Freddy and click on the boXXX below:

Happy Thursday, Kreeps! 🙂

Kinky Komic Book Review: No Angel: Vol 1

(Submitted by your Super Friend and mine, Mr. Doctor Prince Adam…Thanks, you Naughty Nerd, you! 😉 xoxo)

“No Angel is a cosmological and conspiratorial modern western with super power by way of The Da Vinci Code.”  (Black Mask Studios)

No Angel is an independent comic book, written by the brother sister team of Eric Palicki and Adrianne Palicki.  If that name sounds familiar, it should.  Adrianne Palicki starred in the film Legion, played Mockingbird on Agents of SHIELD and starred in the pilot for the David E. Kelley Wonder Woman series, which never got off the ground.  Her involvement is how this book got on my radar. Thee book starts out with an FBI agent based out of Chicago, returning home to the small town of Tucker’s Mill Wisconsin.  Our protagonist Hannah Gregory, comes upon her old house with her high school friend, now the Sheriff.  The house is now a cordoned off crime scene, as her father and brother have been murdered.  While attending the funeral, Hannah meets a woman who had a relationship with her father.  The woman suggest they should talk, handing Hannah a piece of paper.  Hannah scolds the woman and demands she leaves.  If this is sounding like a paint by the numbers CBS Drama, I thought the same thing at first and was quickly losing interest. However, the book quickly takes an interesting turn, when Hannah reads the note, which has a bible passage on it. This bible passage, tells of angels mating with humans.  Curious, Hannah meets with Miriam Chapman, who tells Hannah that she and her father were indeed a couple, but it was more than just sex.  Miriam and her father believed in the Nephilim , which  are the children created  from the unions of angels and humans.  It turns out that these bible passages have truth to them and that Miriam and Hannah’s fathers research deduced that the bloodline of the Nephilim has survived and that they, along with their family members are descendants of angels.  Adding to the mythology, is that Hannah has a half sister named Jessica. Due to the pairing of two descendants of the Nephilim, she is born complete with actual Angel wings.  I’m sure there are films and television that flirt, or directly deal with the children of Angels  and human fornication. I think the aforementioned Legion starring the co-writer of this book, dealt with a similar idea.  Also, a recent issue of Lucifer, saw  human and a demon give birth to Cain and Abel.  Even Preacher has an angel and demon hooking up and creating a unique offspring.  However, the idea of humans and angels getting together, coupled with the family drama, that originally had my interest waning, actually made the supernatural element more unique.  The further mythology is cool as well. There are several other descendants of angels, that comprise a group know as the Eloise.  The members/descendants of angels are from all denominations of religion, including Christianity, Judaism and Islam.  I love the decision that, while the conception of angels is rooted in Christian mythology, other religions are included as descendants of the Nephilim and  in the group of believers known as the Elioud.  Religion often divides amongst different denominations, so seeing them all come together under a common belief was a welcome change of pace from the reality we live in at times.

With the mythology now set, the revelation (no pun intended), that the death of Hannah’s father and brother was no random robbery is revealed.  The murders were actually part of a string of murders of Elioud members that began 14 years ago,  The killer is a man named Elliot.  Elliot is a member of the group The Watchers, who believe in the Angel Azazel.  According to The Watchers, Azazel understood the tyrannical potential of his fellow angels, went down to Earth and shared secrets with humanity about angels and helping them create weapons that could kill the angels.  For his deeds, Azazel is punished, disfigured and cast out of heaven.  He is chained and buried underground,  However, he gets free by mutating into a horde of spiders.  He and his followers drove the angels into disappearance.  However, now that they are back via their descendants, The Watchers, via Elliot are back on the hunt.  I loved the classical battle of good and evil, where the roles are so clearly defined.  There’s no black and white and sometimes, that’s okay.  Too many characters are shades of grey in modern stories.    The rest of the book is a chase/hunt, with Elliot hunting Hannah and Jessica, while they race to evade him and try to protect other members of the Elioud.   As a result, I agree with the description calling it a modern day western.  In fact, it reminds me a little bit of Logan, with Hannah being this story’s Wolverine and Jessica being the Laura/X-23 character.  There are deaths as a result of this chase.  Miriam is killed by Elliot and when Eliot  has a gun pointed at Hannah ready to pull the trigger, Jessica ignites a fire at the gas station, burning Elliot to death. Jessica is mortified by what she’s done, after her parents have raised her to be pious and live a peaceful life.  Seeing her half sisters pain, Hannah tells a story about her time in the war in Baghdad,  where to save her partner, she threw a grenade into the apartment the sniper was stationed in.  Ultimately, she  saves her partner and got a commendation for it, yet she was ultimately mortified when she realized the sniper was just a boy.  The similarities between the two siblings actions, and reactions to the consequences of their actions, further bonds them.  This is a big moment for Hannah because at the start of the book, she was very closed off towards her family.  However, each issue showed a progression of Hannah opening up to the notion of a sister, accepting her as part of her family and the fact that she’s an angel, before finally accepting her role in Jessica’s life, post Miriam’s death.  I loved the slow burn of this relationship.  It would have been absolutely disingenuous if Hannah embraced and accepted Jessica straight away.  I also really enjoyed the juxtaposition of Hannah’s war time flashbacks, with Jessica killing Elliot.  This book manages to ground  itself in the unfortunate reality of war, while telling a story with overt supernatural trappings. Not many movies, comic books, or television can balance both as good as it is here.

Art is drawn by Ari Syahrazad.  His art is new to me but is very reminiscent of Michael Lark’s work on Daredevil, though that art is slightly more detailed.  This book had everything,  The dark, gritty, earthy look of war.  You feel like you’re in Baghdad, and that your life is in danger, as you track Hannah and her fellow soldier through that warzone.  The creepiest image is easily seeing spiders crawl out of Elliot’s eye socket’s and all over his face.  The second creepiest is a young Elliot being indoctrinated into The Watchers, while staring at the strung up bones of Azazel.  The opening of the door, to reveal Jessica, Hannah’s literal Angelic half sister looked both impressive as it should, yet rather small scale given the homely setting.  It’s a very unique image to behold.  We’ve got grit, we’ve got a creep factor, and we also have big action sequences.  We’ve got a car chase shoot out, that looks like they could be Need for Speed concept art drawings.  There’s also a gas station explosion and Elliott going down in flames, that would make Michael Bay and James Cameron’s testicles tingle. The artist can seemingly draw literally anything the writers throw at him.

I didn’t even know about this book, let alone have any expectations for it.  Yet, here we are and I really liked it.  This book was a four issue mini series but the ending implies that more is to come (no I won’t spoil the ending.)  I definitely want more, especially after the end of the epilogue.  So, do your part, buy this book and read it, so we can get a volume 2. Buy it because independent  comic books don’t always get the love and exposure they deserve.  More importantly, buy this book because it’s a fantastic story!

Hidden Faces: The Masked Edition, Part 3

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric…Thanks, Your Royal Hineyness! 😉 PS-Thanks for reminding me to get back on the #MonsterMaskMonday tip…Gotta step up the Kinky/Kreepy factor now that #OCTOBER!!! is basically upon us! 🙂 xoxo)

The Strangers (2008)


Featuring:

Kip Weeks as Man in the Mask, Gemma Ward as Dollface, Laura Margolis as Pin-Up Girl, Liv Tyler as Kristen McKay & Glen Howerton) as Mike.


Captain America XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2014)

Featuring:

Claire Robbins as Sin, Derrick Pierce as Crossbones, Giovanni Francesco as Batroc, Phoenix Marie as Sharon Carter & Jessica Ryan as Hellcat.


Guest Starring:

Diana Prince as Spider-Babe (2017)

#TerrorTrailerTuesday: The “Godzilla Steals The Showa” Edition

Ho-wdy, Goji Ho-mies!

Spawned in the ocean’s depths… it stalks the earth! Belching fire that blasts mighty cities into oblivion! A gory Goliath that lives to kill …kills to live! Diabolical Demon of Destruction… Mightiest Monster of them all… it’s Godzilla, the King of #TerrorTrailerTuesday!

This week, we’ve awoken the awesomely atomic power of the Showa Godzilla! Every single citywide rampage and monster beatdown from 1954 to 1975 is represented in this menacing menagerie of monstrous monstrosities! Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, King Ghidorah, and the rest of your city-chomping buddies lurk in the trailers below! Get ready for some monster madness, ’cause Godzilla is on the attack!

Check out the trailers below, Kreeps:

Happy #TerrorTrailerTuesday, Ho-rror Ho-mies! xoxo

News Bleed: The “Thank You, Bernie and Suzan” Edition

Float on! IT is the highest-grossing ho-rror film of all time! Variety

Underworld is heading to TV. 🙂 Deadline

Spongebob gets spoopy this Halloween! 🙂 Entertainment Weekly

Kyle “Twin Peaks” Maclachlan joins Eli Roth’s The House With a Clock in Its Walls! Bloody Disgusting

The great Bernie Casey has passed away. 🙁 Washington Post

Hammer Horror star Suzan Farmer has also passed away. 🙁

#MonsterMovieMonday: Nightmare Castle (1965)

Ho-wdy, Kinky Kreeps!

Just another #MonsterMonday here at Kinky Ho-rror! This week, we’re worshiping at the Crimson Altar of the High Priestess of Gothic Ho-rror, Barbara Steele!

Ms. Steele is, without a doubt, THE Queen of cl-Ass-Sick Ho-rror Cinema. Her piercing eyes, her haunting presence, her ghost-like grace…Barbara always looked like she was about to Steele your soul! No coffin could hold her and no force on Earth could stop her! She held her own against the likes of Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Christopher Lee, and Barnabas Collins! Both ho-rror heroine and ho-rrific monster, Steele is a true fright icon.

Today’s terror tale is Nightmare Castle and it features Goddess Steele at her most frightful. The Gothic Queen does double duty as both the doe-eyed Jenny and the ghostly Muriel… and kills it as both!

It’s an old-fashioned sort of story: castles, romance, and… ghosts! A cozy little tale that’s just perfect for this most ghoulish of seasons. With mad science, fiendish torture, surreal nightmares, and an Ennio Morricone score that sounds like it was composed by The Phantom of the Opera, this is film is pure Gothic bliss. And if Steele’s creeptacular performance doesn’t frighten you, you’re already dead!
Do you dare spend the night at… Nightmare Castle?!

Happy #MonsterMovieMonday, Kreeps!! 🙂

#SeXXXOnSunday: The Odd Jobs Edition

(Submitted by Smutmaster Eric, of corpse! 🙂 Thanks, Mr. E, and Happy Sunday Funday to all you Kinky Ho-mies! 😉 xoxo)

Dirty Deeds (2014)

Co-workers Carrie (Stormy Daniels) and Justin (Xander Corvus) are both in need of some extra money. Carrie’s looking for her own place, after discovering her boyfriend’s secret sex tape and Justin’s saving for an expensive engagement ring to satisfy his obnoxious girlfriend. As a result, they begin working odd jobs for extra money.

More Cast: Ryan Driller, Dahlia Skye, Gabrielle Paltrova, Erik Everhard, Misty Stone, Daniel Hunter & Joanna Angel.


Overview:

There’s no real surprise what direction the storyline goes, but it has good sex scenes and is very funny. Stormy and Xander are both good throughout, but it’s Joanna Angel that steals the show in a hilarious non-sex role. I promise it won’t feel like a job watching it and I’m sure you’ll make a sticky mess!

Rating: Smiths, The 3.5 stars of 

Splatterday Mourning Cartoon: Godzilla – The Firebird

Ho-wdy, Kaiju Krazies!

It’s Splatterday Mourning Cartoon Time (more or less ;)) and we’re unleashing the awesome power of…

and Godzooky…

Yesiree Blob! Our ‘toon today is a monster-bashin’ of the Hanna-Babera Godzilla cartoon!

Okay, so this series was a tick goofy, but that makes it all the better for a Splatterday Mourning ‘toon! It’s basically Scooby-Doo with a whole lotta monster fights and Ted “Lurch” Cassidy as the King of the Monsters! If that alone doesn’t make you want to tune in while eating Boo Berry and wearing yer fancy duds…

…then all ho-pe for humanity truly is lost. 😉

And if you’re one of those people who thinks Hanna-Barbera “ruined” this cartoon by adding Godzooky (basically a reptilian Scrappy-Doo…SO NOT A BAD THING!!!! ;)), just remember…

Toho did it first.

Hear the roar of the mighty Godzilla below:

Happy #Splatterday, Kinky Ho-mies! 🙂 xoxo